Ramblings to an imaginary audience

Grammer

2010-07-26T11:19:00.003-05:00

I was just looking over some old posts and I see a lot of incomplete thoughts and poor grammar. I think that I will start to write again. I have a lot on my mind lately and wonder why I stopped writing at all.

Another hero

2008-08-08T12:44:00.002-05:00

Ira Hayes

He was a hero who loved his country long before he was a drunk. Don't forget him.

Real Heroes...

2008-06-18T13:45:00.003-05:00

Great men are born and die every day. Its only long after their gone that we can really understand their greatness and what made them special. Our memories of them and the remembrance of their names and their legend and myth keeps their spirits alive. It also gives future heroes someone or and idea of that person to strive for. The fight for perfection is never won but imperfect heroes who are remembered keep us looking towards that shore for some respite in our endless journey across the ocean that is life. I never knew the following men but their perseverance and dedication is a credit to their race and heritage and families not to mention a medal of honor bestowed on their family name.

Eddie Aikau

"Aikau was a legend on the North Shore, pulling people out of waves that no one else would dare to. That's where the saying came from -- Eddie would go, when no else would or could. Only Eddie dared."

Some of you are meant for greatness and the rest of us are destined to languish in your shadows green with envy and full of despair at our own cowardice.

I stopped...

2008-05-13T16:45:00.002-05:00

So I stopped for a while. Its not like I have any devoute readers, If I did they are likely gone now. So I will start again with my ramblings.

The fog...

2007-11-20T11:13:00.000-06:00

If someone close to me I believe that I would be broken. I think about myself in terms of coping with difficult situations and I find that I can handle almost anything. I would say everything but I know that I cannot handle grief very well. I withdraw and can’t help but see very limited options on how to deal with it. I am trying to prepare my self for the great losses that I know are coming, the death of my parents and grandparents and most of my siblings but I can’t seem to do it. I know that they are going to die eventually and I believe in being prepared but I wish there was a way to prepare for this kind of thing. I am pretty sure that those losses one at a time would break me for a time at each juncture but I think that the total failure of my family dynamic through loss would ruin me to the extent that I may need to be put in some sort of care facility and on a suicide watch. I am sure that anyone who reads this would think that I am missing a few screws to even ponder these kinds of things but this is how I live. I live every day with the scars of past situations and from those experiences I have learned that I can handle a large amount of stress but there is a point that I break and cannot be repaired. Its that point that I try to avoid and those risks I try to mitigate that might bring me close to that point. It is the Royal Ranger in me trying to be ready for anything and I may go one step further and say it’s the Navy training engrained in my head telling me that the time will come and I must be prepared to fight.

I think of a catastrophic even such as a family member dieing and to me it seems as though it would be like a terrible hurricane of pain and agony. The kind that leaves you feeling weak and vulnerable and completely laid bare and naked to everyone around you in a way you would only have nightmares about. I have only graced the fringes of that kind of storm but I been in a different kind of emotional weather phenomena, I am depressed all the time. There has not been a year that I can remember as far back as I can go where I did not spend the majority of it depressed. Perpetual depression to me is nothing like a storm but more like a cold fog. Rather then leaving you stripped bare and naked you’re fully clothed. At first you don’t think it’s a big deal, you say to yourself that “this fog is not bad, it will pass, its kinda comforting…” but if you have ever been in a thick fog you know that the initial feeling of confidence and comfort quickly fade. Fog soaks your clothing and if you’re in it too long it can chill you to the bone. It slowly saps your strength without you realizing, breaks you down and gets into your clothing and you hair. Soon you’re a wet mess of depression and everyone knows it but you. You can not see very far from where you’re ahead or behind and have very little detail about where you have been since you were in the fog. You just mull your way though your days hoping the fog will lift or you will run into someone else in the fog so that you may travel together through the abyss of emotional deprivation.

dream dream dream....

2007-10-17T10:38:00.000-05:00

I had a dream that was sitting in the middle of a field and my whole family was there sittin on top of my shoulders. They were not sitting in any way logical it was more a cat in the hat kinda way and it seemed that they did not know they were sitting on me. I started to cry and then I hit the ground and from beneath me the earth moved. It did not slide it was more like when you drop a rock in a pond and it makes ripples but they were ripples of earth. The exploded out from be in every direction and I knew that anyone in the way was in danger. Every one but my family would feel these waves and so I continued to hit the earth and it was maing a crater below me and i was sinking in this huge, what i can only describe as a gian meteor hole. By the time the dream was ending the pounding sounded like music to me and the crater was the size of the gulf of mexico and it was smoking hot everywhere but where I was. I could not see it but I knew the whole planet was changed and it was all leveled. I also felt very alone and I think my family just sumpped off my shoulders and walked away. Really strange dream.

gone for long

2007-10-02T15:02:00.001-05:00

wow it has been a long time since I posted anything and for that I am sorry. I will post today, because its my birthday!! yes I am 27 today and I feel old. The last few months have been pretty un eventful for me other then trying to take my workouts to the next level. I have as of today lost 35 lbs since about March. Its been a long road and I still have about another 15 lbs to lose but where ever my body stops is where I will be happy. I am on a quest to become the best person that I can. I have no friends to hang out with other then my wife and son and I dont know how much they like me bothering them but I do. Such is the way of my life these days and when my purpose comes I will be waiting.

the hero complex...

2007-07-19T17:39:00.001-05:00

I keep having weird dreams of my back breaking and my wife poisoning me or having a heart attack and dieing and then being resuscitated. Me standing on a stage telling jokes or sitting in the basement of a house that is burning down all around me. I don't know what it all means but I think it may have something to do with being terribly insecure and maybe a bit sad. I also have a common dream that I am dead, just dead and happy.

I think I may be a depressed person. I know I was known for bouts of depression when I was little and I was always a very melancholy child. I have always felt as though the world was on my shoulders and that I am not strong enough to handle it. I used to lie a lot when I was a child and my mom never let me have sugar cause it triggered my mood swings. I wonder if that was real or if my mom made it up to try to keep me calm. I have always looked forward to death. I don't want to die but I think that being dead will be a very interesting experience and something that I may enjoy and yet be very scared of at the same time. I wonder if there will be any more answers there on the other side then there are here. I will see one day. In other news I have lost a lot of weight in my endless pursuit of the fire/police dream.

It makes me laugh and sad...

2007-07-06T11:50:00.000-05:00

I heard something funny today that made me a little sick.

A long time ago you shared such a close bond with those in your tribe or genetic pool that you never really strayed from. You always knew where those who were "like you" were at because they were there. As we as modern humans moved out and away from those of our tribe we lost touch with those of our own "kind or tribe". We secretly long at a very primative level for our kin and kith to rejoin us and share in what we have become.

If there is any truth to this I must say I want to find the rest of my tribe.

It can never be taken...

2007-07-04T16:17:00.001-05:00

Power can never be taken from you, You can only give it up. The means that are used to make you give it up do not matter if in the end you still give someone else power over you. You always have the option to die or fight those who wish to take your power away from you.

" John Locke in Two Treatises of Government as part of his social contract theory. Locke declared that under natural law, all people have the right to life, liberty, and estate; he wrote that under the social contract, the people could instigate a revolution against the government when it acted against the interests of citizens and replace the government with another government in the interests of the citizens. The right of revolution thus essentially acted as a safeguard against tyranny. "
as quoted from Wikipedia.com

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is in the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security. "

Creation or Evoloution

2007-06-19T16:25:00.000-05:00

On a long enough time line we are going to be able to create new lifeforms. How do we know we were never made the same way in a lab in some far off galaxy?

creation of life

dream dream dream....

2007-06-19T14:18:00.000-05:00

I had a dream about a room full of people like us, you know what I mean.

The room was all cramped and hot and poorly lit by only a few yellow lights but faces were clear when you looked at them.

Some were obviously good people they seemed to have a kind of white aura. Some were blatantly evil and you could only feel their stares unless you really tried to pierce the darkness and see their face, but most did not know why they were there and were just scared.

As is always the case you and i kinda knew everyone...not like we knew their names but like you recognize something from De ja vu or a small piece of a dream that you can never remember completely.

It was weird, the scared people would not meet our gaze cause they were scared.

The good people were looking up in the air like there was a TV up there and the trade towers were falling again.

The thing I remember best was all the bad people were watching us...like they were waiting for judgement from us... or a perfect moment to all band together and kill us.

I am not sure what it means but it was not a normal dream.

********************************

Two days ago I had a dream about 4 tornados touching down in the heart of downtown core and ripping the city apart. That also seems really strance cause I cant see the city from my house but in my dream I could. Yeah four at the same time and they were just huge.

Dads have it rough...?

2007-06-15T15:19:00.000-05:00

Ok so if you read this please weigh in and tell me what you think...

Article link

--Todays father can't Win--

Many fathers these days are well acquainted with carpooling kids to after-school sports, changing diapers and other stereotypically “mom” duties. But the do-it-all dad is not happy with his performance, and he lags behind mom and even the household pet in terms of closeness to the kids. He's lucky if he even gets a card on Father's Day, statistics show.
For respect, the modern family guy has to turn to his wife.
A recent survey finds that while it’s tougher being a dad today than it was a generation ago, most moms give them gold stars for their domestic work.
The researchers suggest the rise in dual-income families provides much of the push to get dads onboard in family matters. “Dads used to just have to go to work, come home, dinner was on the table,” said researcher Kim Parker of the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press in Washington, D.C. “They didn’t have to get as involved in the nitty-gritty of parenting as they do now; that’s my instinct.”
Dad scores
The results are based on the Pew Research Center’s Social Trends Survey conducted between February and March of this year, which included more than 2,000 telephone interviews with a nationally-representative group of U.S. adults ages 18 and older.
About 60 percent said fathers have it tougher now than they did 20 or 30 years ago.
Dads’ biggest fans are working moms. More than 70 percent of married women who work at least part-time and raise young children said fathers are doing as good a job or better at childrearing compared with a generation ago.
Men are their own harshest critics, with 55 percent of those surveyed believing they are doing a worse job parenting today than in the past.
Mom (and pets) rule
Domestic dads have yet to edge out their wives when it comes to “motherly love.” In a 2005 Pew survey, twice as many respondents reported they would turn to their mothers in times of crises as opposed to their fathers. Nearly 90 percent reported close ties with their mothers compared with less than 75 percent reporting the same for dads.
The sentiment (or lack thereof) could be reflected in kid turnout on parent’s special days. While Mother’s Day is the second most popular holiday for gift-giving (following Christmas) and the third-largest card-sending holiday, Father’s Day ranks fourth on the card-sending list, according to Hallmark research and the National Retail Federation.
Pets outrank dads, too. On average, pet owners gave higher relationship ratings to their cats and dogs compared with those given to fathers. Men may not care much, though, because they don’t base their personal wellbeing on bonds with their kids.
“Men’s relationships with their kids are less central to their own happiness,” Parker told LiveScience, “whereas women are so wrapped up in their relationships with their kids.”
Men generally say the most important aspect of their personal happiness involves their relationships with their wives, not with their kids. The opposite is true for women, who place more stock in mom-child ties than husband-wife relationships.

Re-posted from Livescience.com

Do you understand boss...

2007-06-14T11:41:00.000-05:00

I only seen this movie once and it was right around the time it came out on video. This little monologue made me sad because I could relate to the character and wondered how many people felt the same. I think about this bit of drama at least once a week and I am sad all over again. Anyone else feel the same?

" I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world ever' day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand? "

-The Green Mile
Screenplay by Frank Darabont
From the novel by Stephen King

Is there any greater honour..

2007-06-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

Canada and Britain will mark the end of a generation with a tribute after the last World War I veteran dies. There are four or five living veterans in Britain and at least one in Canada, according to historians. In the U.S., the VA and historians have only begun talking about how to commemorate World War I veterans. Paul said the story of "the war to end all wars" has been eclipsed by the "Greatest Generation" of Americans who fought in World War II.

In the shadow of their children

"These World War I veterans raised a generation that did them one better," said Paul, who added that museum visitors regularly comment that they hadn't realized the scope or importance of the war. "They got overshadowed in this country on Dec. 7, 1941, and never got out of the shadow."

This is an excerpt from and article in the Chicago tribune

I could not imagine a better salute to my efforts as a human and as a father then if my children's were called the " Greatest Generation ". A generation of heroes and geniuses of mortals leaving legacy's of honor and courage. No don't remember me as the hero, please, remember me as the father who raised the hero. I don't want to be the hero and I most likely wont be but if I could raise a hero, teach my boy to grow into a man who songs and stories will be written about then that is good enough. At lease I could teach him to have courage.

another insane theory...

2007-05-31T15:51:00.000-05:00

Ever thought that there was a better way to protect the the skin cell from the harmful rays of the sun then to produce something that attracts the suns rays? Well I thought that too and by the way melanin is the compound that makes skin dark and helps protect the nucleus of a cell from the suns radiation. Well it seems that this pigment does more then just protect your cells it seems that it has a sort of photosynthetic quality. Yes melanin creates some sort of energy it seems for fungi and helps them grow. No that is not the interesting part, the interesting part is that it does not use sunlight parse but ionized radiation. I came into work exhausted because it helps me work and I came up with this idea, and while it may seem like the idea of a delusional person trust that there are some kernals of science in it. What if The out of Africa theory is correct (I say if because this subject is still debated in some academic circles) and we all came from the ancient Africans. What if they are all so dark because they were in some sort of spatial cryo or suspended animation or even long term hibernation and the melanin is what kept their heart beating? Yes I know it sounds crazy but there are a whole bunch of things that make very little sense to me about evolution and one of them is us. Speaking of not making sense what is the evolutionary advantage of genetic predisposition towards altruism or morality?

I now continue to present the possibility that we are descendants of a much older and more ancient civilisation that did not originate here. I think that we are perfectly honed explorers with a perfect mix natural curiosity and self preservation to make us a great colonization species. There are enough adventurous idiots to do and explore and find and fail and die to push forward the knowledge base of the unknown and yet the majority are content to reproduce and die. How in the hell? Anyone care to comment or add to this or call the police and have me committed for my and my families safety/

A letter...

2007-05-30T15:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Cindy Sheehan,

You will never read this but I am writing this anyway in the hopes that you one day do. I am not happy that you failed in your cause but I am glad that you stopped. I am sorry that you came to the conclusion that I did before long befor your son ever died. I cannot express my deepest sorrow for you and your recent awakening, or more likly, acceptance of the truth of the death of a soldier. Its all for naught, its all meaningless. Your protests fell on deaf ears from the beginning and peaked the interests of only those who sought to profit from the genuine passion that you had. Now that its exhausted so has your usefullness and you, like so many boys and girls have been cast aside. In the end those in power will lose power and it will slip into the hands of others who have the same goals and different means or maybe the same means but this cycle will continue. You are now in my thoughts and I hope that you find peace with your self and your country. I am glad you are now awake and you can see and hear, welcome to the club. You may not get the reference but no all there is left to do it learn to swim.

"Diesel"

Dont count...

2007-05-29T15:10:00.001-05:00

Dont judge your life by the things that you do not have. You will always be unhappy and there is always something that you dont have. To be happy just think about all that you do have.

A theory...

2007-05-29T11:15:00.000-05:00

Think of it like who you are is not the real you. Its an expression of something else somewhere else. Like your shadow on a wall or your face in a mirror. You could not verywell open a window with your shadow, just the same way you cannot move an object with your mind. You are not here and unless you make what is here interact with the environment around it. Oh sure you could interact with something there and change things here but the result would not be what you expect it to be because you only know what is here not what is there. That is why when you die you can interact with what is here because you all back there. Once you have been here you can come back but from here you cannot go back there because you have never been there. It would be like trying to find an obscure address in New York from space. You cant see New York but you know its there let alone the address of somewhere you have never been. Yes I am expressing this sorta how I am thinking of it. Please comment and let me know what you think.

Cold lyrics

2007-05-17T16:40:00.000-05:00

Everyone came around here
Everyone else got sick
And watched the clock tickin' slowly
Everyone knew the ending
Opened a bag of tricks And stumbled over their own
They blew minds away
Sort of the cripplin just like thunder
And it's gone today
I'm so happy that it's on

It's the end of the world(x4)

Now it's far away
In a hurricane, twisting slowly
Now it's gone today
I'm so happy that it's on

It's the end of the world(x4)

My world, my love, my gun

Now I'm all alone
Kept the pain inside
Wanna torch the world
Cause I'm breathin fire

My world, my love, my gun

The source

2007-05-14T16:58:00.000-05:00

I think I am close to the source that I know. I am very special aginst my wishes but in accordance with the will. How about you?

A dangerous thought...

2007-05-14T16:40:00.000-05:00

The motto of New College Of Saint Mary "Manners Maketh the Man" which is supposed to be interpreted as such "it is not by birth, money, or property that an individual is defined, but in how he (or she) behaves towards other people." I find it ironic that such an exclusive place of higher learning would have such a progressive motto and be so forward thinking in the 14Th century when it was founded and yet be so far off point now. If you receive the best education at Ivy League school then why is it so discriminating in who it allows to learn there? Should not the best be given to freely to the masses and then let their own inability be the reason they fail? Why don't we "let the cream rise naturally rather then plumbing the depths for the curd and forcing it to rise"? If you knew me when I was a little boy you would have had a hard time thinking that I would grow into the man I am today but I must say that I believe it is truly because of adversity that I am who I am. I am not crazy I am just touching the bare wire of human consciousness and your looking at everyone all at once when you look at me.

How we name our years is part of the problem. Those three zeros in the millennium form a convenient barrier, a reassuring boundary by which we can hold on to the present and isolate ourselves from whatever comes next. Still, there is more to this shortening of the future than dates. It feels like something big is about to happen: graphs show us the yearly growth of populations, atmospheric concentrations of carbon dioxide, Net addresses, and MegaBytes per dollar. They all soar up to form an asymptote just beyond the turn of the century: The Singularity. The end of everything we know. The beginning of something we may never understand.

I think of the oak beams in the ceiling of College Hall at New College, Oxford. Last century, when the beams needed replacing, carpenters used oak trees that had been planted in 1386 when the dining hall was first built. The 14Th-century builder had planted the trees in anticipation of the time, hundreds of years in the future, when the beams would need replacing. Did the carpenters plant new trees to replace the beams again a few hundred years from now?

-Danny Hill

Just to avoid it...

2007-05-11T11:42:00.000-05:00

If I told anyone that I knew both the manner and the hour in which I would die it would not matter. You see with something like that it can be written off as crazy until you die and you were right exactly as you said or you don't die in which case you are wrong. The problem is that if your your fucking dead. Post-mortem nothing matters least of all if you were right or not.

no title

2007-05-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

"There are so many worlds, and I have not yet conquered even one."
- Alexander the great

just how I feel...

2007-02-08T16:09:00.000-06:00

It’s waking up every morning and not making any difference. It’s being able to move a mountain and being asked to take a seat. Its feeling like James bond and being put into Watson’s shoes. Its being 26 and totally confused. Totally purposeless. It’s having people depend on you for everything and feeling that you need to provide it for more. Its needing opiates to sleep. Its needing sleep to dream. It's waking up to escape the nightmares. It’s no one understanding. It’s no one even trying. Its people asking all the wrong questions. It’s all the right questions being very difficult to ask. It’s in finding out for yourself who everyone else is before you find out who you are. Its never having enough of anything and having too much of everything. It’s just how I feel some days and most nights.

Is Princeton reputable enough?

2007-01-18T13:10:00.000-06:00

There are things out there that you cannot begin to imagine and because you refuse to believe it does not mean that its not true. Try focusing for a 15 minutes and clearing your mind of every thought and emotion. After the 15 minutes has passed then try to do somthing that you previously thought impossible only this time believe that it is. Success will come sooner then you think. Princeton has a project going on that is very interesting because it deals with the effects of your consciouness on reality. No not if what you think can influence the world around you any some way, they have already proven that. No, this is a matter of how much one person and maybe a thousand can change the physical world. Its called The Global Consciousness Project and I think that everyone shoudl at least open their minds to this venue of thinking.

lets not be seen anymore...

2006-12-28T16:43:00.000-06:00

Kaftka...I think thats how you spell it....

"...and I dream of a grave, deep and narrow, where we could clasp each other in our arms as with clamps, and I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me, and nobody would ever see us anymore.")

It is real and you are an idiot...

2006-11-23T17:15:00.000-06:00

The first thing we want to think about is the fact that the word "conspiracy" evokes such a strong reaction in all of us: nobody wants to be branded as a "conspiracy thinker." It just isn't "acceptable." It's "un-scientific" or it's evidence of mental instability. Right? That's what you are thinking, isn't it?
In fact, I bet that the very reading of the word even produces certain physiological reactions: a slight acceleration of the heartbeat, and perhaps a quick glance around to make sure that no one was watching while you simply read the word silently.
Have you ever asked yourself WHY the word evokes such an instantaneous emotional reaction? Have you ever wondered why it stimulates such a strong "recoil?" After all, it is only a word. It only describes the idea of people in "high places" thinking about things and doing things that manipulate other people to produce benefits for themselves.
Richard M. Dolan studied at Alfred University and Oxford University before completing his graduate work in history at the University of Rochester, where he was a finalist for a Rhodes scholarship. Dolan studied U.S. Cold War strategy, Soviet history and culture, and international diplomacy. He has written about "conspiracy" in the following way:
The very label [conspiracy] serves as an automatic dismissal, as though no one ever acts in secret. Let us bring some perspective and common sense to this issue.
The United States comprises large organizations - corporations, bureaucracies, "interest groups," and the like - which are conspiratorial by nature. That is, they are hierarchical, their important decisions are made in secret by a few key decision-makers, and they are not above lying about their activities. Such is the nature of organizational behavior. "Conspiracy," in this key sense, is a way of life around the globe.
Within the world's military and intelligence apparatuses, this tendency is magnified to the greatest extreme. During the 1940s, [...] the military and its scientists developed the world's most awesome weapons in complete secrecy... [...]
Anyone who has lived in a repressive society knows that official manipulation of the truth occurs daily. But societies have their many and their few. In all times and all places, it is the few who rule, and the few who exert dominant influence over what we may call official culture. - All elites take care to manipulate public information to maintain existing structures of power. It's an old game.
America is nominally a republic and free society, but in reality an empire and oligarchy, vaguely aware of its own oppression, within and without. I have used the term "national security state" to describe its structures of power. It is a convenient way to express the military and intelligence communities, as well as the worlds that feed upon them, such as defense contractors and other underground, nebulous entities. Its fundamental traits are secrecy, wealth, independence, power, and duplicity.
Nearly everything of significance undertaken by America's military and intelligence community in the past half-century has occured in secrecy. The undertaking to build an atomic weapon, better known as the Manhattan Project, remains the great model for all subsequent activities. For more than two years, not a single member of Congress even knew about it although its final cost exceeded two billion dollars.
During and after the Second World War, other important projects, such as the development of biological weapons, the importation of Nazi scientists, terminal mind-control experiments, nationwide interception of mail and cable transmissions of an unwitting populace, infiltration of the media and universities, secret coups, secret wars, and assassinations all took place far removed not only from the American public, but from most members of Congress and a few presidents. Indeed, several of the most powerful intelligence agencies were themselves established in secrecy, unknown by the public or Congress for many years.
Since the 1940s, the US Defense and Intelligence establishment has had more money at its disposal than most nations. In addition to official dollars, much of the money is undocumented. From its beginning, the CIA was engaged in a variety of off-the-record "business" activities that generated large sums of cash. The connections of the CIA with global organized crime (and thus de facto with the international narcotics trade) has been well established and documented for many years. - Much of the original money to run the American intelligence community came from very wealthy and established American families, who have long maintained an interest in funding national security operations important to their interests.
In theory, civilian oversight exists over the US national security establishment. The president is the military commander-in-chief. Congress has official oversight over the CIA. The FBI must answer to the Justice Department. In practice, little of this applies. One reason has to do with secrecy. [...]
A chilling example of such independence occurred during the 1950s, when President Eisenhower effectively lost control of the US nuclear arsenal. The situation deteriorated so much that during his final two years in office, Eisenhower asked repeatedly for an audience with the head of Strategic Air Command to learn what America's nuclear retaliatory plan was. What he finally learned in 1960, his final year in office, horrified him: half of the Northern Hemisphere would be obliterated.
If a revered military hero such as Eisenhower could not control America's nuclear arsenal, nor get a straight answer from the Pentagon, how on earth could Presidents Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, or Nixon regarding comparable matters?
Secrecy, wealth and independence add up to power. Through the years, the national security state has gained access to the wrorld's most sophisticated technology sealed off millions of acres of land from public access or scrutiny, acquired unlimited snooping ability within US borders and beyond, conducted overt or clandestine actions against other nations, and prosecuted wars without serious media scrutiny. Domestically, it maintains influence over elected officials and communities hoping for some of the billions of defense dollars. [including scientists, universities, etc.]
Deception is the key element of warfare, and when winning is all that matters, the conventional morality held by ordinary people becomes an impediment. When taken together, the examples of official duplicity form a nearly single totality. They include such choice morsels as the phony war crisis of 1948, the fabricated missile gap claimed by the air force during the 1950s, the carefully managed events leading to the Gulf of Tonkin resolution... [...]
The secrecy stems from a pervasive and fundamental element of life in our world, that those who are at the top of the heap will always take whatever steps are necessary to maintain the status quo.
[S]keptics often ask, "Do you really think the government could hide [anything] for so long?" The question itself reflects ignorance of the reality that secrecy is a way of life in the National Security State. Actually though, the answer is yes, and no.
Yes, in that cover-ups are standard operating procedure, frequently unknown to the public for decades, becoming public knowledge by a mere roll of the dice. But also no, in that ... information has leaked out from the very beginning. It is impossible to shut the lid completely. The key lies in neutralizing and discrediting unwelcomed information, sometimes through official denial, other times through proxies in the media.
[E]vidence [of conspiracy] derived from a grass roots level is unlikely to survive its inevitable conflict with official culture. And acknowledgement about the reality of [conspiracies] will only occur when the official culture deems it worthwhile or necessary to make it. Don't hold your breath.
This is a widespread phenomenon affecting many people, generating high levels of interest, taking place in near-complete secrecy, for purposes unknown, by agencies unknown, with access to incredible resources and technology. A sobering thought and cause for reflection.
[Richard Dolan]

Consider this: even if Dolan is writing specifically about America, in a world dominated by the United States, it must be considered that pressures are applied elsewhere from within this "national security state" to comply with the demands of the US.
Now, think about the word "conspiracy" one more time and allow me to emphasize the key point: From a historical point of view, the ONLY reality is that of conspiracy. Secrecy, wealth and independence add up to power. ...Deception is the key element of warfare, (the tool of power elites), and when winning is all that matters, the conventional morality held by ordinary people becomes an impediment. Secrecy stems from a pervasive and fundamental element of life in our world, that those who are at the top of the heap will always take whatever steps are necessary to maintain the status quo.

maybe this is my problem...

2006-11-01T15:31:00.000-06:00

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

Henry David Thoreau, Walden, Conclusion, 1854

my drum is off

the contamination....

2006-10-21T11:29:00.000-05:00

every day that clocks by makes me sick with my own thoughts as though my mind is pushing only the filth of etheral consciousness through my veins. I am wasting away on the inside and its driving me mad with the inevitability of the future and the futility of trying to find a good place to be or way of life to undertake. I just hate not knowing and in my search for a more solid answer all I am getting more questions that are overtaking the original search in every way and I cannot stop. I look deeper and only get more questions that lead me to papers and current events that point to a past that no one seems to rememeber and there is no record of. I find rest only in the space between seconds and wonder where the end of the stars are and when I will get to go home. We are all made of stars and the comets are our parents when can we get to see the creator. When will my questions be answered? Where is the library where these answers reside? When was the last time we were, as a race, sitting exactly where we are right now? So many questions and not enough minds to ponder all the possible answers. Wait and wait some more. Take the slow path and have patience and the answers will be gladly provided at the end. you memories will start to make sense and your feelings will all be justified because your intuition is the only real intelligence that you posess.

A little to take the edge off...

2006-10-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

Today I am feeling very....Empty. I don't know why I have a very bad craving for something destructive and self depreciating the kind of thing that could spell "T H E E N D" for me. I know most people cannot relate to feeling like they are dead inside but I am feeling this way more and more. Its how I felt when I was spinning my wheels in the military looking for a purpose where there was none. I hate so deep right now that I feel like I need the pain of a broken bone to remind me that I am something more then the intangible ghost piloting this machine. I helped someone very important at work write a document that is going out to everyone at my company which is a few thousand people and it made me smile. I like feeling useful but I hate rotting here with a direction and a rudder and no motor. Fuck me I want to destroy something beautiful.

I came up with a new expression that makes me feel alive when I use it but I wont say it because people worry when I talk crazy.

A little annoying...

2006-10-01T14:09:00.000-05:00

I know that the only thing I will ever be known for is my death. I know that the works in my life while not important to everyone will mean everything to some. I never want to be special but I cannot shake the comments of others out of my head. How many times do you hear that your a very special person? How many times has someone ever told you that you changed their life? For the better or worse? How often do space out and dream about more and so much less all at the same time? I am lost in my own life and I feel like I am wasting away on the inside a little bit every day. Why do I scare some to death and others have and will never feel safer then they do when they are around me? I really should be medicated. Where are you? Your not alone just speak up. At least I am trying. What are you doing?

speak up...

2006-09-22T06:34:00.000-05:00

I can feel all of you lurking just behind my eyes. I wonder where all of you are at and if you can feel me too. I can hear you echo my quesitons in your own minds but I dont know why. If your out there speak up, if you looking for me like I know I am passively looking for all of you please find me. We are all apart of the same purpose and one day we will meet and begin the end.

between sleep and awake...

2006-09-21T01:52:00.000-05:00

there is a rumor of a man...
of a myth or a legend and man so great that he can create and destroy and he holds our fate in his hands. a leader who can discern and is uncorruptable and man who is from where i am from but not of what i am. he a great man and he is who i am waiting to follow. he is strong and wise compassionate but discplined. he is decisive and always right but he is not perfect. he is above reproach and better then all of us combined. he can call the winds because he knows why they blow. he can calm the waves because he knows what makes them restless. He brought light to the depths because he wanted the depths to know he cares. He spoke to the restless souls and gave them rest. He is the one i wait for. he is coming and i can hear him calling.

The nemesis awaits....
there is a thing that lurks and I see his shadow from the corner of my eye. he is sitting in the corner with the horrors of this world waiting for the fight to begin. dont take notice even if you see them that only brings their attention upon your head. they wrek disaster and ill thoughts in those who listen. they cloud the ether with their stench and rob the innocent of their breath. they walk in the place between fear and insanity along the corridors between darkness and grey...they are those who cannot rest and those who will not die they are those who bring nightmares and frost...they are the ones who have always been here and long to be somewhere else as well...they will fight one day but they will not fight without reason...

its nice to sit between sanity and sleeplessness

are you a dreamer...

2006-09-21T01:04:00.000-05:00

I am the dreamer who never was
the only one to ever create a thought beyond my grasp
the one who does not belong and never will
I am the dreamer
can you hear them weeping
they are still alive
each one holding the blueprint of the whole
can you ever comprehend what its like
all your dreams broken
all my aspirations and exaltations crushed by the erosion of reality
how brutal and a painful it is to be the dreamer
without anything else to dream
the dreamer with no children to nurture
all I have is the shore i created and the ocean that feeds on it
my own little infinity ending a grain at a time

What's that sound...

2006-09-21T00:55:00.000-05:00

Can you hear that sound
the whisper weeping coming from the shore
its the sound of broken dreams
dashed on the cliffs of reality

can you feel them when you walk on the sand
the millions of dreams that have been ground to dust
can you soak all the imagination up that you never had
can you hear them all weeping in unison

The harder you hold them the more they slip away
its because they are not yours to realize
they will never be more then food for the sea
they are not yours their mine you see

Worthless...

2006-09-11T00:41:00.000-05:00

I am sad that intergrity is worthless. It should be a crime not to have it. I wish that it would benefit everyone when you have it but it does not. I remember when I lost my fear. I have always wanted to die but I never wanted to have it be premature, when ever it happens it just happens. I started praying for it when I lost my fear. I say fear but it really started out as self loathing. When my hate for me was only my fear of my own ability and strength I was set free and no longer afraid. I no longer fear and I am truly free for hate and I wish everyone else could take my journey.

Hard to prove...

2006-08-26T13:26:00.000-05:00

There is a lot I learned but the most valuable lessons I have as of yet been unable to divine the means or method to my past. If I were to tell you as I have so many others upon meeting that I am going to manipulate you to do what ever I want and when I am done you will have no idea. Its not that your not smart enough to know when your being manipulated your just not smart enough to put what you want aside and look at what is really happening. When what you have been missing is being given freely and (seemingly) without consequence or cost then you will think no further then "This is perfect". Dont believe me? read this article from Esquire determine for your self. Everyone has needs and there are some who just know how to temporarily meet those needs. Like a race horse those kinds of people can get to the finish line faster then anyone else but they are not good for much else.

For two years, journalist Neil Strauss went undercover in a secret society of pickup artists for a book, The Game (ReganBooks). It is a world with its own code of conduct, its own language, and its own celebrities. An AFC—pickup-artist jargon for an average frustrated chump, a loser with women—Strauss was taken under the wings of the most powerful pickup artists in the world, who gave him a new name and transformed him into one of them. After more than a year of "sarging" (picking up women), he was named the best pickup artist in the community. In the following excerpt adapted from his book, he describes what it feels like to take on the most challenging quarry of them all.
AFTER EIGHTEEN MONTHS in the seduction community, not only had my dating life improved exponentially, so had my professional life. The skills I had amassed approaching over a thousand women in bars and clubs made me a much better interviewer. I discovered just how good when I was assigned an article on Britney Spears.
I didn't plan to sarge her. But she left me no choice.
"Was there a lot of pressure on you while making this album?"
Britney Spears: "What, now?"
"Was there pressure from yourself or the label to have a major hit this time around?"
"I have no idea."
"You have no idea?"
"I have no idea."
"I heard you did a track with the DFA that wasn't included on your new CD. Why was that?"
"What's the DFA?"
"They're two producers from New York, James Murphy and Tim Goldsworthy, who call themselves the DFA. Does that ring a bell?"
"Yeah, maybe they did something."
The interview was going nowhere. She was on autopilot. I looked at her, crossing her legs and fidgeting on the hotel-room couch next to me. She didn't give a shit. I was just an amount of time blocked off on her calendar, and she was tolerating it—poorly.
Her hair was tucked under a white Kangol hat and her thighs pushed at the seams of her faded blue jeans. She was one of the most desired women in the world. But in person, she looked like a corn-fed southern sorority girl. She had a beautiful face, lightly and perfectly touched with makeup, but there was something masculine about her. As a sexual icon, she was unintimidating and, I imagined, lonely.
A gear slammed down in my head.
There was only one way to save this interview: I had to sarge her. No matter what country I was in or what age or class or race of woman I was talking to, the game always worked. Besides, I had nothing to lose.
I folded my list of questions and put them in my back pocket. I had to treat her like any club girl with attention deficit disorder.
The first move was to hook her attention.
"I'll tell you something about yourself that other people probably don't know," I began. "People sometimes see you as shy or bitchy offstage, even though you aren't."
"Totally," she said.
"Do you want to know why?"
"Yeah." I was creating what's called a yes-ladder, capturing her attention by asking questions that require an obvious affirmative answer.
"I'm watching your eyes when you talk. And every time you think, they go down and to the left. That means you're a kinesthetic person. You're someone who lives in her feelings."
"Oh my God," she said. "That's totally true."
Of course it was. It was one of the value-demonstrating routines I'd developed in the community. The eye goes to one of seven different positions when someone thinks: Each position means the person is accessing a different part of their brain.
There is a simple structure most women must be led through. First, they must be opened; the ice must be broken in a way that doesn't make them uncomfortable. Next, a pickup artist needs to demonstrate higher value, to show why he stands out from all the other men a woman has the option of dating. Once she's convinced, he must build rapport and create a sense of emotional connection. Only then, at least if he's playing solid game, is it time to make a physical connection.
As I taught Britney how to read different types of eye movements, she clung to every word. Her legs uncrossed and she leaned in toward me.
"I didn't know this," she said. "Who told you this?"
I wanted to tell her, "A secret society of international pickup artists."
"It's something I observed from doing lots of interviews," I answered. "In fact, by watching the direction people's eyes move when they speak, you can tell whether they're telling the truth or not."
"So you're going to know if I'm lying?" She was looking at me entirely differently now. I wasn't a journalist anymore. I was someone she could learn from. I had demonstrated authority over her world, as the father of the seduction industry, Ross Jeffries, once told me.
"I can tell from your eye movements, from your eye contact, from the way you speak, and from your body language. There are many different ways to tell."
"I need to do psychology classes," she said, with endearing earnestness. "That would be so interesting to me, studying people." It was working. She was opening up. She kept talking: "And you could meet somebody or be out on a date and be like, 'Are they lying to me right now?' Oh my gosh."
It was time for the heavy artillery.
"I'll show you something really cool and then we'll get back to the interview," I said, throwing in a time constraint for good measure. "It'll be an experiment. I'm going to try to guess something that's in your thoughts."
Then I used a simple psychological gambit to guess the initials of an old friend she had an emotional connection to—someone I wouldn't know and hadn't heard of. The initials were GC. And I got one letter out of two correct. It was a new routine I was still learning, but it was good enough for her.
"I can't believe you did that! I probably have so many walls in front, so that's why you didn't get them both," she said. "Let's try it one more time."
"This time, why don't you try it?"
"I'm scared." She put her knuckle in her mouth and pinched the skin between her teeth. She had great teeth. They really were a perfect C shape. "I can't do that."
She was no longer Britney Spears. She was just a one-set, a lone target. Or, as Robert Greene would classify her in his breakdown of seducer's victims in The Art of Seduction, she was the lonely leader.
"We'll make it easier," I said. "I'm going to write down a number. And it's a number between one and ten. What I want you to do is not to think at all. There's no special ability required to read minds. Just quiet your internal chatter and really listen to your feelings."
I wrote a number on a piece of paper and handed it to her.
"Now tell me," I said, "the first number that you feel."
"What if it's wrong?" she asked. "It's probably wrong."
This was what we called in the field an LSE girl—she had low self-esteem.
"What do you think it is?"
"Seven," she said.
"Now turn over the paper," I told her.
She slowly turned it over, as if she were afraid to look, then moved it up to eye level and saw a big number seven staring right back at her.
She screamed, leaped off the couch, and ran to the hotel mirror. Her mouth hung agape as she looked her reflection in the eye.
"Oh my God," she said to her reflection. "I did that."
She was like a little girl seeing Britney Spears for the first time. She was her own fan.
"I just knew that it was seven!" she announced as she galloped back to the couch.
Of course she knew. That was the first magic trick I'd learned from Mystery, arguably the best pickup artist in the world: If you have someone choose a number between one and ten randomly, 70 percent of the time—especially if you rush their decision—that number will be seven.
So, yeah, I had tricked her. But her self-esteem needed a good boost.
"Cool interview!" she exclaimed. "I like this interview! This has been the best interview of my life!"
Then she turned her face toward mine, looked me in the eye, and asked, "Can we stop the tape recorder?"
For the next fifteen minutes, we talked about spirituality and writing and our lives. She was just a lost little girl going through a late emotional puberty. She was searching for something real to hold on to, something deeper than pop fame and the sycophancy of her handlers. I had demonstrated value, and now we were moving on to the rapport phase of seduction. Maybe Mystery was right: All human relationships follow the same formula.
Rapport equals trust plus comfort.
However, I had a job to do. I started the tape recorder and asked the questions I'd given her at the start of the interview, plus all the other questions I had. This time she gave me real answers, answers I could print.
When the hour was up, I stopped the tape recorder.
"You know," Britney said. "Everything happens for a reason."
"I truly believe that," I told her.
"I do, too." She touched my shoulder and a broad smile spread across her face. "I'd like to exchange numbers."
AFTER OUR HOUR was up, Britney left the room to change for an MTV interview. She returned ten minutes later with her publicist.
As she sat down in front of the cameras, her publicist looked at me strangely.
"You know, she's never done that with a writer before," she said.
"Really?" I asked.
"She said it was like the two of you were destined to meet."
The publicist and I stood next to each other in silence as the MTV interview began.
"So you had a crazy time out the other night," the interviewer asked.
"Yeah, I did," Britney answered.
"What was the energy level like in the club when you walked in and surprised everyone?"
"Oh, it was just crazy."
"And how much fun did you have?"
Suddenly, Britney stood up. "This isn't working," she told the crew.
"I'm not feeling this."
She pivoted on her heels and walked toward the door, leaving the crew and her assistants befuddled. As she passed me, the corners of her mouth turned upward, forming a conspiratorial smile. I had gotten to her. There was something deeper to Britney Spears than what the pop machine required of her.
The game, I realized, works better on celebrities than ordinary people. Because stars are so sheltered and their interactions limited, a demonstration of value or any other gambit holds ten times the power. In the days that followed, I thought often about what had happened. I had no illusions: Britney Spears wasn't attracted to me. She wasn't considering me as a potential mate. But I had interested her. And that was a step in the right direction. Pickup is a linear process: Capture the imagination first and the heart next.
Interest plus attraction plus seduction equals sex.
Of course, maybe this was all just self-hypnosis. For all I knew, she exchanged phone numbers with every journalist to make him feel special and ensure a good story. Her publicist probably had an answering service set up at that number specifically for gullible writers who thought they were pickup artists. Maybe I was the one being sarged, not her.
I would never know the truth.
I stared at that number every day, but I couldn't bring myself to dial it. I told myself that it was crossing a journalistic line: If she didn't like the piece I was writing (which was quite possible), I didn't want her to go on record saying I had written a bad article because she hadn't phoned back.
"Just call her," Mystery constantly prodded me. "What do you have to lose? Tell her, 'Can you not look like Britney Spears? We're going to do some crazy shit and we can't get caught. We're going to wear wigs and climb up to the Hollywood sign and touch it for good luck.' "
"If I had met her socially, fine. But this is a work assignment."
"You're playing the game at another level now. When the article is finished, it isn't an assignment anymore. So call her."
But I couldn't do it. If it had been any of the intimidatingly beautiful women I'd met early in my training and been too scared to ask out, I would have called back in a second. I had no fear of women like that anymore. I felt worthy. I'd proven that over and over since. But Britney Spears?
One's self-esteem can only grow so much in a year and a half.

a deeper mark...

2006-08-13T14:17:00.000-05:00

its a dangerous place to be
a dangerous place to be
standing right there next to me
a very dangerous place indeed

the red spot on the wall
the scorch marks on the floor
that was the last person that knocked on my hearts door
looking for a handout and a little mana

this angles wings have been clipped for a reason
i am sitting among men because this is my punnishment
waiting for the redemption to come
so that i can atone with my own destruction

its a dangerous place to be
a dangerous place to be
standing right there next to me
a very dangerous place indeed

take a look at my smile and you wont see
that happiness you seek
i am neither gentle or docile or weak

look deeper and you will know
what everyone alread does
I am no good to my core
I never was

its a dangerous place to be
a dangerous place to be
standing right there next to me
a very dangerous place indeed

A little sick...

2006-08-13T09:52:00.000-05:00

I dont feel well. Its more then a flu or a cancer its almost ethereal and hanuting. Its in my stomach and chest and its making my arms weak and my head spin. Lately i have been on the verge of tears and feeling very unstable. I dont know why because of late I have been a very stable person. When I say of late I mean over the last few years.

Yes, they are....

2006-08-08T13:31:00.000-05:00

I stumbled across something that I thought I would share.

Fox News Anchor Brit Hume

"Two hundred seventy-seven U.S. soldiers have now died in Iraq, which means that statistically speaking U.S. soldiers have less of a chance of dying from all causes in Iraq than citizens have of being murdered in California, which is roughly the same geographical size. The most recent statistics indicate California has more than 2,300 homicides each year, which means about 6.6 murders each day. Meanwhile, U.S. troops have been in Iraq for 160 days, which means they're incurring about 1.7 deaths, including illness and accidents each day."

August 26, 2003, Brit Hume Fox News

While a single death is a tragedy a thousand or two or ten or one hundred is merely a statistic. Those who went into the military voluntarily (last I checked that was everyone) should have known that there is always a chance of going to war and ending up dead when you join. I would also like to point out that when generals are more worried about public opinion then making sound tactical decisions then our people will die needlessly. Media can criticize all they want but to have a specialist with a PHD in political science on who has never seen war in any way other then through the media is no specialist. There is a dialogue that I think of when ever I get "self righteous" lately from the movie collateral:

VINCENT I didn't throw him, he fell.

MAX What'd he do to you?

VINCENT Nothing. I only met him one time.

MAX Then how can you kill him like that?

VINCENT I should only kill people after I get to know 'em?

Six billion people on the planet and you get bent out of shape 'cause of one fat guy?

MAX Who, who was he?

VINCENT What do you care? Ever hear of Rwanda?

MAX Rwanda. Yeah.

VINCENT Tens of thousands killed before sundown. Nobody's killed people that fast since Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Did you bat an eye, Max?

Now I would like everyone to think about this for a minute...I hope that helps put things in perspective. You cannot complain about a war where the dictator kill 300,000 civilians over their belief then complain about us not getting involved in a religious war between two countries who have had the same dispute for 6 decades. Make up your mind and when the cards are played out and you made the wrong decision then man up and admit it and accept the consequences. The consequence of supporting an invasion of Afghanistan was pretty much a tidal wave that will end in the UN occupation of most of the middle east. You supported it in the beginning and to stop now will only make the whole situation worse. Swallow the shit that came along with the sugar and accept it like you did the applause for your decision in the beginning.

So this is how it begins...

2006-07-24T22:23:00.000-05:00

I wonder if a sword could talk what it would say as it was used for the last time and then put into a drawer somewhere to wither away slowly, there is no more dishonorable death then one that happens while your still alive. I think of a sword that was at one time use to render justice or dispense the will of Gd or fight to take back the holy land. A sword that was swung by the man who lead the Golden horde or the divine hand of the universe that brought the lost clans of Asia together under the great ruler Chin. Those swords were laid down never to be wielded by a deft hand again. This last thing reminds me that a sword is useless without a hand to use it. A person like a sword is only as useful as they allow them selves to be. Where I am going is this: We all have a purpose and we can accept it or not. I can feel my self becoming dull and wither away in the ways that make me special. I feel like as a part of me grows another part is dying twice as fast. There is a law in the medieval art of alchemy that states "To gain one thing you must give up something of equal or greater value. " I am sorry to all those I have let down in letting go the burden I was born with. Your life was written in the stars of mine and I know I have failed to touch you in the way I was supposed to. I am so very sorry to be the reason you are slipping away and I wish I was strong enough to do what I knew and still know I am born to do. Alas I am not and I don't ask your forgiveness, I ask only that you reserve your judgment for the creator. I belong to the creator and the creator alone and only the one and only, the most high Gd can judge my actions. I am weak. I am so sorry. You did not wear my mantle and I doubt you know its weight. I am not giving up, I am only making the necessary changes that I know I have to make to live the life I have chosen. Maybe this is all apart of the creators plan, I do not know. I can feel that edge dulling as I sit in a drawer and wonder have I miss my moment? Was my purpose really that short a meaningless? Is this all that there ever was for me? I will never be used again. I have already lost my edge.

How long would you wait for help?

2006-06-28T15:15:00.000-05:00

Maybe I am a little bit different then most but Why after a natural disaster would you wait for someone to rescue you rather then rescue your self?
I know that we have had it drilled into our heads that when your lost you need to stay put and wait for someone to find you. But you can only live for three days without water and you can fight off the fatigue of not eating for about 14 days if your not to lean and have plenty of clean water. If you don't have either food or water and you have children with you why would you wait for anyone to come and get you? Are you so dependent on the government teat that you cannot support your pathetic meat sack or those who depend on you for basic life support? I find that sad and depressing because if the current scientific community is correct we may be heading for a short (and by short I mean that in scientific terms) warm up that will change the global weather patterns beyond dramatically and impact our lives greatly. Not to mention all the other disasters that are looming over our society at this present moment. Why not learn to survive? I think that its more then a right, its a responsibility. I think that in the words of Maynard from tool "Learn to swim". Most of you're going to need it. Here is a link to help: IPN

Stop looking for an alternative...

2006-06-23T09:54:00.000-05:00

When I see a CGI elephant dancing in the rain I thought "that's an odd marketing approach...". When I realized it was the Gas & Oil conglomeration BP stopped thinking it was odd and started thinking it was funny. You see everyone knows that Global Warming is a hot button issue today and while there is only mountains of data to support the theory there is no Fact to prove it conclusively. I am sorry a computer model does not count as proof. If you worked with computers you would know that they are only as flawless as the people operating them. What is so funny is the subtlety of the word alternative. An alternative is an option and while I do not necessarily subscribe to global warming I do that to believe we will have petrol forever is ignorant. While I again don't want you to mistake my point for some sort of even more tenuous theory subscription to "Peak Oil". I don't subscribe to any theory exclusively. I am just saying to offer an alternative is to give a choice where people are not only highly unlikely to not choose but then those who do are going choose the alternative must bear the weight and responsibility of those who do not want to make the change. I propose that we no longer offer or even search for alternatives. I think we should be looking for replacements for global energy. We should be dumping copious amounts of money into things like nano-carbon filaments for power transmission across a global energy network.

While we live... Let us live!

2006-06-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

What did I want?
I wanted the hurtling moons of Barsoom. I wanted Storisende and Poictesme, and Holmes shaking me awake to tell me, "The games' afoot!" I wanted to float down the Mississippi on a raft and elude a mob in company with the Duke of Bilgewater and the Lost Dauphin. I wanted Prester John and Excalibur held by a moon-white arm out of a silent lake. I wanted to sail with Ulysses and with Tros of Samothrace and eat the lotus in a land that seemed always afternoon. I wanted the feeling of romance and the sense of wonder I had known as a kid. I wanted the world to be what they had promised me it was going to be -- instead of the tawdry, lousy, fouled-up mess it is."

-- Glory Road, Robert Heinlein

Let men be men and allow them to teach their sons; any boy who wants to listen and learn how to be a man let him go and find a teacher who can teach and show him the path to truly being masculine.
Let boys makes mistakes and show them how to take responsibility for it.
Let men make decisions and when they are Wong don't tear them down for having a flaw or being human.
We are all imperfect and we must accept that.
The truth is in the actions of good men and women not in the words.
Those who teach and violate the sacred bond between teacher and student let them be flogged publicly so that they may endure the shame of their transgression.
Find the balance between being the leader and dictator.
Seek the role "Head of the house" and rather then spineless husband or tyrannical abuser.
Accept your limitations or overcome them but don't lament them and ask for alms.
Understand that the majority rules not the minority that cries the loudest.

I don't know why I wrote that but I guess that men today kind of make me sick and women annoy me much more then they amuse me. I wish I was a perfect as I want everyone to strive to be so that I could say "look at me I am the model please follow my example" but I'm not. That is kind of me looking to be a messiah figure and I am not it. Then I look at the true example and I can see why he said that it was lucky for those who did see him cause it going to be much harder on those who did not. How many millennia have we had to take the truth and follow it and yet we seem destined to fail. I love my wife she is the saint that keeps me striving to be a better person.

Do you have eyes to see what I can see

2006-06-07T20:34:00.000-05:00

does any of this seem to ring a bell for anyone else? Am I the only person who feels like they are being filled with knowledge from somewhere else? Whose else has memories that were never theirs? Fuck me read this and please post and tell me what those forrests look like and what that tree smelled like. I think I am so fucking nuts that I should be locked up.

" The axis of the world was Yggdrasill. That ash soared and its branches fanned over gods and men and giants and dwarfs. It sheltered all creation. One root dug deep into Niflheim and under that root the spring Hvergelmir seethed and growled like water in a cauldron. Down there the dragon Nidhogg ripped apart corpses. Between mouthfuls, he sent the squirrel Ratatosk whisking up the trunk from deepest earth to heaven; it carried insults to the eagle who sat on the topmost bough, with a hawk perched on its brow. And Nidhogg was not content with corpses; he and his vile accomplices gnawed at the root of Yggdrasill itself, trying to loosen what was firm and put an end to the eternal. Other creatures, too, attacked and preyed off the living tree - four stags nibbled at the new leaves, and goats tugged and tore off the tender shoots. Parts of the huge trunk were peeling, parts were rotten. Yggdrasill whispered and Yggdrasill groaned.A second root curled into Asgard. Under that root flowed the well of Urd, the spring of destiny, where the gods gathered each day and held a court of justice. The three Norns lived near by, Fate and Being and Necessity. They shaped the life of each man from his first day to his last. And every day they sprinkled water on the branches of Yggdrasill and nourished the suffering tree.The third root burrowed into that part of Jotunheim held by the frost giants. Under that root bubbled the spring guarded by wise Mimir, and the water in that well gave insight to those who tasted it. The god Heimdall left his shrieking horn there until the day when he would need it to summon every living creature to Ragnarok. And Odin had given one eye for a single draught from it. He won immense knowledge there and with it the thirst for yet greater wisdom. So the Terrible One approached Yggdrasill alone.

Odin said:
'I hung from that windswept tree, hung there for nine long nights; I was pierced with a spear; I was an offering to Odin, myself to myself.

‘No one has ever known or will ever know the roots of that ancient tree.

‘No one came to comfort me with bread, no one revived me with a drink from a horn. I peered at the worlds below; I seized the runes, shrieking I seized them; then I fell back.

‘From Bolthor's famous son, Besla's father, I learned nine powerful songs. I was able to drain the precious mead from the cauldron of Odrorir.

‘Then I began to thrive, my wisdom grew; I prospered and was fruitful. One word gained me many words; one deed gained me many deeds.

‘The charms I know are not known by the wives of kings or by any man. The first is called Help because it can comfort grief and lessen pain and cure sickness.

‘I know a second: any man who hopes to become a healer needs to know it.

‘I know a third: if I should sorely need help to hold back my enemy, I can blunt my opponent's blade and soften his staff so he cannot wound me.

‘I know a fourth: if anyone should bind me hand and foot, this charm is so great that the locks spring apart, releasing my limbs; I can walk free.

‘I know a fifth: if I should see a well aimed arrow speeding to its mark, I can catch it however fast it flies; I have only to fix it with my eye.

‘I know a sixth: if anyone thinks to finish me by sending a sapling's roots engraved with runes, that hero - full of spleen - will only destroy himself.

‘I know a seventh: if I should see the hall roof burst into flames over the heads of my chosen comrades, I can quench the blaze however fierce it may be; I know the charm.

‘I know an eighth; all men would be well advised to learn it: if hatred takes root in men's minds, I can uproot it.

‘I know an ninth: if I should need to save my ship in a storm, I can calm the wind that whips off wavecrests and put the sea to sleep.

‘I know a tenth; if ever I see witches flying on rafters, I can sing so that they go into a whirl and cannot change back into their day shapes or find their way to their own front doors.

‘I know an eleventh: if I have to lead loyal, long-loved friends into a fight, I can sing behind my shield and they will go from strength to strength;
-unscathed to the battle,
-unscathed after the battle;
-unscathed they return home.

‘I know a twelfth: if I see a hanged man swinging from a tree, with his heels above my head, I can cut and colour the runes so that he will come down and talk to me.

‘I know a thirteenth: if I sprinkle water over a child, he will never fall in a thick of battle, nor falter and sink in the sword-play.

‘I know a fourteenth: if I so desire, I can tell men the names of the gods and elves one by one - few fools can do that!

‘I know a fifteenth: the dwarf Thjodrorir sang it in front of Delling's doors, a charm of power for the gods, glory for the elves, wisdom for Odin.

‘I know a sixteenth: if I long for love-play, I can turn the mind and win the heart of a white-armed woman.

‘I know a seventeenth: such a charm that a young girl will be loath to forsake me.

‘I know an eighteenth: I will never tell it to a girl or married woman unless I am lying in her arms or she is my own sister! What you and you alone know is always the most potent. And that is the last of the charms.
'These were the words of Odin before there were men. These were his words, after his death, when he rose again."

- The Norse Myths, Introduced and retold by Kevin Crossley-Hollandthe Pantheon Fairy Tale and Folklore Library

Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil

2006-06-06T23:51:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to write this for some time but I just never got around to it. I guess this is the best time to write it cause I am at work and I am getting grossly over paid to do this. I read somewhere:
"Hear no evil, see no evil, Then you have no reason to suspect any."
And that almost made me choke on the truth of the statement. If you have never seen it done or done it yourself, you will not know, nor will you recognize the circumstances in which that particular thing would be done or even considered. If you have never sat in a room with a bunch of generals and listened to their conversation about sending a team of 8 men to their (what seemed at the time) deaths. Mind you its no ordinary team, it was a team of US Navy SeALs. Remember it cost in excess of one million dollars to train one navy seal to full operator status and they send 8 of them to die to accomplish an objective. Before that day I could conceive of the idea but I never actually heard it rationalized. After that day I never looked at another officer the same way again. Those SeALs did what they had to do and to everyone's surprise they all lived and were very annoyed at the lack usable intel they were given. If you have never beaten someone into hospitalizing you would never know that one person could "loose it" like that and not care. If you have never had your heart broken you just don't know what it feels like until you do and you cannot counsel someone who has until you have been in that situation.

The reason I write this is because I always talk to my wife about certain things that she just mostly finds unthinkable or totally "crazy, how? Or why would someone do that?" and I just thought that everyone was like me. That is to say a former evil terrible manipulating puppy killing candy from a baby maiden stealer thirty pieces of silver kind of guy like me. I guess not, then again I also guess that's why I am so fucking paranoid about people. The sad thing about those days of my life is that I learned so much and was my own worst enemy. I would fear karma if I did not think that Karma sat on my shoulder and stabbed me in the heart and the back ten times worse then I did to others. I still wonder How I survived my self. You may not know that someone would do it but trust me if it can be done there is someone out there that is planning on doing it. I may not know everything that can be done but I sure as hell know that there is no limit to the depths that people will sink to accomplish their pointless goals.

I think what I am trying to say is this. Just because you could not commit the crime or hurt the completely innocent does not mean that I (or someone else of like demenor, nature) havent, couldent, or wouldent for no reason other then the idea crossed my (our) decayed mind.

Aenema

2006-05-25T20:36:00.000-05:00

What do Maynard Keenan and I have in common? I don't think it matters to you but I do think that you ask your self the same question and said "Nothing" your more then likely the kind of person this song was written about. Why could someone wish the destruction of their whole civilization and want to die with it and not be suicidal? If you don't know the answer then you are asleep at the edge of a giant storm. Be apart of the clean up crew not solution or the problem and know that there is no room for you in the end either. Stop polishing the brass on the titanic its all going down some people are just closer to the epicenter.

Tool - Aenema

Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation from this

Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away
Any fucking time, Any fucking day
Learn to swim, See you down in Arizona bay

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car

It's a Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away
Any fucking time, Any fucking day
Learn to swim, See you down in Arizona bay

Some say a comet will fall from the sky
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits

Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will cuz I sure could use a vacation from this
Stupid shit, Silly shit, Stupid shit

One great big festering neon distraction
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied

Learn to swim

Mom's gonna fix it all soon
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be

Learn to swim

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes

Learn to swim

Fuck retro anything
Fuck your tattoos
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory

Learn to swim

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas
Fuck these dysfunctional
Insecure actresses

Learn to swim

Cuz I'm praying for rain And
I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way
I wanna watch it all go down
Mom please flush it all away
I wanna watch it go right in and down
I wanna watch it go right in
Watch you flush it all away

Time to bring it down again
Don't just call me pessimist
Try and read between the lines

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend

I wanna see it all come down
Suck it down
Flush it down

The guilty always die in fear...

2006-03-19T20:46:00.000-06:00

I know that the guilty die in fear. I have been guilty of great things and felt great fear if anyone found out. The light of the truth releases you from that fear. If you are in prison now and your reading this I want you to know that only you know if your guilty or not and only you know your fear. When you die you will die knowing that you did it or that you did not and you have the end to look forward too. Death or freedom is the eventual end of a wrongful conviction and while you never know if you will get out of prision if you are there wrongfully you can rest assured that you will die.

Find your place...

2006-03-14T18:17:00.000-06:00

I hate when people don't understand where they belong. Is it that hard to look at book and know that there are words inside or there is a place where words should be written? Look at your life and who you are. If you find that you have the same habits that you did when you were five then you might want to try improving yourself.
If your a girl and you have daddy issues and you have not at least tried to either get therapy or understand how those issues affect you on a day to day and yearly basis your wasting everyone's time and more importantly your own time. The only thing we all have in common is that we will all die. One day your parents will die no matter how angry you are at them and they likely will not ask your permission to do so.
Boys this statement goes for you just as well. If you have even a vague idea of what an edipose complex is you might want to really look into it and see how your version of it affects your life. I am glad your momma made you milk and cookies every damn night till you were 18 but you not her little boy anymore no matter what she tries to make you believe. She will die and you cannot stop it.
Learn to communicate well or jump off the golden gate bridge cause all you doing is perpetuating your own flaws on your children.
Oh you say you don't want to have children? Ever looked inside your self to understand why that is? If your excuse is that you don't want to raise your children in a world that seems like its all going down the shitter then step off the curb in front of a city bus cause your not worth your weights in grass clippings. If you cannot have children by some genetic or physical misfortune then I am sorry.
There is always adoption and foster care for children provided your not one of the many shitbag people who use foster children as a way to get money. If you don't have children you should be improving your self on every level for the simple reason that you have only one life. If you don't want to live it then voluntarily expire and donate your organs to someone with children.

For those of you who have children listen up you fucks. I reserve this word special for you cause you will only be offended if it applies. You have better do everything you can to raise intelligent children with a sound moral and ethical base or else you are contributing to the problem not the solution. It only takes one bad apple to spoil the whole bunch and you better hope yours is not that bad apple cause you will be held to account for all their actions. If you devote all your time to buttering up your children then you are wasting a good portion of that time. When your taught something you cannot ever learn it unless you are given the time to put it into practice. Your teaching your child how to live they need to practice living to get what your saying. Let them make mistakes and reprimand them for them with love not anger. Make them pay a heavy toll for transgressions that are intentional. Remember to take time to improve you while you raise them because again they follow your example and if you do not lead a good life neither will they. Life is all about practice and you cannot practice yours if your always intruding in on theirs.

0104

2006-02-28T01:07:00.000-06:00

I am so alone in a crowded room...I don't belong here...I am meant for great things...I can be perfect if I try...I have a deep sickness in my mind that will one day put me in a padded cell...Alone again...Sadder then I have ever been...How long can I keep it together...Does anyone else wonder if they are insane...Do they wish they were so then they could escape reality under the guise of disorder...I can't wait to die...I am not suicidal...Anymore...I just want to go home...I really don't belong here...I miss my wife...I am the weakest man alive...I have never been wrong...I need to cry more...I need another tattoo...All my needs are met...I am not lost...I have never been lost...I am not flesh and blood...Who is inside my head staring out of my eyes...Why don't I recognize me sometimes...What do newborn babies dream about...I think do things while I sleep...I feel I have more in common with animals then people...I don't know how I ever got this smart...I know I am not stupid anymore...I think I used to be retarded in some way...I wish I could finish school...I hate money...I love to work with my hands...I want to build a spaceship...If I don't dream then who will? Somebody please stop me.

1am

2006-02-28T00:51:00.000-06:00

I cannot sleep. I feel like I have glass shards stuck in my brain. I am dizzy and I itch all over. I hope I don't have fleas. I think that its funny to see how many people don't fit in because if no one fit in then would we all not be in the same group? I have learned a new trick with people I am around all the time. I think that its either psychological trickery or I can really make suggestions to people within a certain area of me. I would explain further but I have to find a scientific way of testing this. I think I will have people give me a phrase and attach an emotion to this phrase like "Rise about the clouds"..."Happiness" an then I will try to get someone else to think this statement and say they are happy. Yes that is what I will do and then if I can do this I will try to perfect it and then I will bottle snake oil and sell it as a curative tonic to the sick and lame. Yes! I bet this has never been done before! I am so original...I am so creative....

The lunatic fringe

2006-02-22T01:29:00.000-06:00

I never realized that I grew up on the totally crazy end of christian living. I thought that learning how to cast out demons and binding spirits was normal. I guess not. The more I look at it the more I see now why I feel like such a fucking freak. I think that I could improve on the ideas that I was taught but I am still debating on if moving farther out into the realm of the insane is a good idea. I am learning more and more how far from normal I am and I think it scares me. If I grew up on such a strange diet of latino living and christian voodoo and everyone thought I was weird...makes me feel a little sad.

I still don't know

2006-01-16T01:37:00.000-06:00

I can't escape the fact that I exhibit a large percentage of the traits of a sociopath. I am not a psychopath or a serial killer but I do feel that I have what would be considered a moral flexibility that could be very easily exploited or used for bad bad things. I even took a boring online test but I don't think I was honest and I think that it was a wasted of time but I scored a 63% sociopath. I think my major difference from being a total sociopath is that I only hurt others when I need to not for fun. I don't get off on the agony of others and I would only kill if I felt I was threatened. I once read a book called The Gemini Man and I could totally relate to the main character in this book. Want to know how I am on the inside of my head? This is it in a way that I cannot explain; read this book and draw your own conclusion:

I seemingly lack moral empathy, a condition generally described as sociopathic -- which doesn't apply to me because I don't have sociopathic tendencies.

I think that I am a human who is able to act and think without the hindrance of morality, excessive emotionalism and I don't know what that makes me.

I dont know, those who know me could feel free to comment.

Why I have to believe in God

2005-12-21T08:43:00.000-06:00

The more I look into the whole "Is there a God ?" thing I come up with the same conclusion. Evidence at this time points to maybe and to believe I must have faith. Why have faith when its easier not too. This is my reason:

Without a God then I have to assume that this whole 75 year long rant I call life is its own purpose. The point of being is nothing more then to be. More or less procreate, amass stuff and pass it on to my children in an effort to keep my genetic code going. If this is the case and I have no soul and that is the purpose then everyone that I precieve as less then me does not deserve to live.

The mentaly retarded children that are born in every family and on every continent are not important they are genetic offshoots that should be terminated because they weaken my species as a whole. There is not a prefectly good soul in those shells they are only ruined chunks of meat and if it came down to them and me I know that I could easily triumph over them. Stephen Hawking is supposedly one of the smartest men of our time and yet I know his giant head would only searve as a nice bowl on my mantle if it was survival of the fittes. So what the fuck is my point?

The fact that we progress is to me reason enough to believe in God. If we are only evolving then what changed 75,000 years ago that made us make the leap to conciousness from ape? I think that people are getting hung up on the physical evoloution of our species and not giving an educated look at the psychological evoloution that happened out of the blue for what seems to be no reason at all.

This may all seem to be a bit Psycho but I have been called worse by people with higher educations then whoever is going to read this.

Biased should be avoided

2005-11-17T00:21:00.000-06:00

I find very little of value to post about so I dont post very often.

"I have been a buddhist all my life but I am not attached to buddhism You should not be attached something, with attachment comes a biased attitude"

Lhamo Thondup

I know Im an ass hole...

2005-07-05T16:31:00.000-05:00

I dont think I ever posted that I got married in February. Yeah then I moved out of the country...HAHA!! she will never find me! NO but on the real I moved out of the country to be with her. We knew eachother a whole five months before we tied that knot and Now I am posting from a third world country with a wife sitting next to me who cant even read what I am writing. Not really again I just moved to Canada and its still snowing here in the middle of the American summer.

Click this link

2005-07-05T16:27:00.000-05:00

http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=19987227

I want to see if I get a fucking I-pod.

the dreams of drug addicts

2005-06-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

A perfect circle

Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
(Imagine all the people sharing all the world)
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

between insects and angels

2005-06-26T14:46:00.000-05:00

So if you keep up on my reading my sporadic blog you would know I always have dreams and on occasion i post about them. I had one that I find really strange so I will post it.

Its night time and I am in a huge line of people outside of a very large building (think old Chicago post office over the Eisenhower exp.). This line is huge so much so that there is scaffolding put up to redirect the lines over themselves to maximize the usable space. We are all being corraled into this huge building. Inside the building there are all kinds of police but they are in more military looking uniforms. Outside there are tons of bright lights and helicoptors with spotlights shining everywhere. The whole time I am wondering why I was draged out of my bed by these police people in these new blue uniforms to this place. Everyone I ask has no idea why we are here but everytime someone trys to run away they are "taken down" by the police and dragged to where I assume is Jail. After a very long time I see that the line I am in is going inside the building. Once I get to one of the military police people attending at what looks like a podium they ask me my name, if i was ever in the military , what my date of birth is and if i know my SSN. They reprint up all these documents in a matter of moments and hand them to me and tell me to hang on to them. I am then told to report to number 17. I get the idea that this is the highest number in their scheeme and that is not a good thing to report to that number. As I walk all the way to the back of this giant wearhouse full of people I know this is happening all over this building and there must be thousands of people here. When I get to the back of this huge room i see number 17 and there is only two people sitting under this number. Funny to find out its my 30 year old brother and my 15 year old neice. He sees me, laughs and says that what ever is happening its gotta be bad that us three are stuck under the same number (we are the strongest psychics in our family). My neice is scared but she can see the future and seems to be pretty at ease that we are going to be fine. Then i say I am going to go see who else we know in the lines since I have not checked into my line and I go. I end up seeing my other neice and nephew and my other sister michelle and then i keep getting told to find renee. She is my youngest sister as the dream ends with us beeing put on rail cars or in trucks like we are all being sent to concentration camps. Concentration camps for mutants or freaks. Then i wask up feeling like my sister is gone. pretty shitty feeling i think.

Nutritional information about the thyroid

2005-06-02T13:17:00.000-05:00

http://www.ithyroid.com/thyroid_theory.htm

Vitamins are essential to facilitate mineral metabolism and proteins and lipids combine with minerals to form the essential biological chemicals that the body needs. A vitamin, protein, or lipid deficiency can result in a mineral deficiency. To correct a mineral deficiency causes by a vitamin, protein, or lipid deficiency, not only must the vitamin, protein, or lipid be replenished, but the mineral must be also.
Because of the interaction of minerals, vitamins, proteins, and lipids, supplying the body with less than all four of these can result in deficiencies of the others. For example, we know that selenium is facilitated by vitamin E. Taking excessive amounts of supplemental vitamin E without also taking selenium can result in the body becoming deficient in selenium.
Likewise copper metabolism is facilitated by vitamin C. Taking excessive amounts of vitamin C without also supplementing copper can deplete the body of copper. Replenishing the copper requires some, but not an excessive amount of vitamin C. It also requires the presence of all the other nutrients necessary for copper metabolism.
Also taking excessive amounts of one mineral can deplete other minerals. Here is an example I've seen in several people. Hemoglobin production requires two key minerals, iron and copper, along with many vitamins, proteins, and lipids. A deficiency of iron will cause iron-deficiency anemia. A deficiency of copper will cause copper-deficiency anemia. Both minerals are necessary.
If a person takes an excessive amount of iron without copper, copper will become deficient and the person will become anemic. Many people go to a doctor and are found anemic. Usually the doctor will prescribe massive doses of iron, sometimes as much as 200 milligrams per day (about 15 mgs. per day is adequate). Then the doctor is surprised because the anemia doesn't go away. If this iron supplementation is continued then copper becomes so deficient that the person will develop a thyroid disease.
Each vitamin facilitates the metabolism of one or more minerals. The B complex vitamins are very important in facilitating the metabolism of the trace minerals that are essential for bodily functions. Taking excessive amounts of B complex vitamins without an adequate supply of minerals can result in mineral deficiencies.
Because of the interactive effects between minerals, it is essential to keep minerals supplied in the proper balance. Likewise, it is essential to supply vitamins such as the B complex vitamins in the proper balance. Many nutritional experts warn about the problems that can result from taking some B vitamins without the others. They urge people to take a balanced B complex rather than individual B vitamins.
Taking individual B vitamins in unbalanced amounts causes problems because it disrupts the underlying mineral balance. Thus you can get a mineral unbalance in two ways: by ingestion minerals that aren't balanced and by ingesting vitamins that are unbalanced.
Supplementing vitamins and minerals is a powerful tool, but it is double-edged: you can quickly correct a nutritional deficiency with the use of supplements, but you can also quickly disrupt the balance of minerals.
As you will see later, I believe that hyperthyroidism is caused by an imbalance of minerals in the body. Some minerals are depleted and this causes major problems. Taking any one of a long list of nutrients can further deplete these deficient minerals and make hyperthyroidism worse. This is what most hyperthyroidism sufferers experience: most nutritional supplements make them worse.
Besides nutritional supplements we have to consider heavy metal toxicity. It appears to me that the danger from heavy metal toxicity is twofold: first, heavy metals replace and deplete essential metals from biological processes by mineral competition; and second, heavy metals are especially problematic because of their long half-life in the body. It seems that the heavier the metal the longer is stays in the body and the less it takes to cause disruption to nutrient balance.
Cadmium is a particularly toxic metal especially for the thyroid. Later we will look at how cadmium toxicity depletes zinc and copper and causes both hypothyroidism and hyperthyroidism.
This is a short introduction to my theories of the basic nutritional processes underlying deficiency diseases. The basic idea to remember is that nutrients need to be balanced and imbalances can cause further imbalances. Ingestion of imbalanced amounts of nutrients or toxic metals can disrupt the balance of nutrients required for proper health and endocrine function.

Dear....

2005-05-20T09:33:00.000-05:00

Why are some thing so hard to say? Why are words not alive and able to convey more then nothing at all? I wish I could speak another language, a language that was alive. Something that could change emotion into expression and move expression through the conflagration of changes that its bound to do while trying to imbue the listener with a full range of images, feelings and conflicting that accompanies such convoluted drama. More then one person will read this and I doubt that for who this is intended will ever reach their eyes. These are things that I will never say and don't want to write but I cannot keep it in. This is my letter to both of you because it has to be said. I hate to lump you both together but I am in rare form today and this is more then likely I will ever be able to write this.

I have failed. I am a weak coward and a liar and I have never had any integrity. I will never measure up to either of you. I set unreal expectations for one and held the other under a microscope for too long. I am the inherent flaw and our relationships and for that I am sorry. Death is to light a penance for a bottom feeding leach like me. My own self imposed punishment is this, honesty. There is nothing worse for me, a shadow, then having to look into the mirror and admit that I have no substance. I am only the refraction of light on the breath greatness. I am the antithesis of you in that I am the inevitable darkness to your light. I beg your forgiveness and humbly plead for redemption from the creator.
I have tried to follow your example but only managed to distort your vision or truth to something perverse and unclean. I tried to be a big brother to him but feel I only succeeded in driving him further on a journey of unending questions and no answers. I am sorry that I was a bad pupil. I am sorry that I was a bad little brother. I am sorry that I don't care enough to be a good friend. I am sorry that I don't know everything. I am sorry that I am not perfect. I want to be perfect. I want to be perfect. I am going to make my self perfect. I don't care what it will cost. I will die trying, I am going to be perfect.

the person staring through
the person staring through the reflective
you've turned and run off with all
to the other side with you
and I know, I know
you try so damn hard to be so happy
so you say, what do I do now that you are me ?
I'll fade with time, just like in the dream
inherit my shoes, they were too hard to fill anyways
I want it to go well for you, start over and do it right
this time for me
open the eyes, look at this wall and notice the one that
borrows and steals
I do this to myself
stick to the side roads
they help interesting thoughts
you see what you want to see

The Broken down palace

2005-05-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

I have been looking into so thing about the human body and have found quite a bit of information on the subject of Herbal and alternative medecine. I will share as the information becomes avaliable to me. As far as I can tell it seems that the last truly explored and mis-understood frontier, the human body, has over the years become more and more toxic. The data that I have been reading has a lot to do with heavy metals and their affect on the brain and digestive system. Imagine if during a war you put a city underseige and dont allow any waste disposal to occur or at least limit it severly. No matter how high the walls are or how accurate the or strong the fighters are disease and death will surly follow very quickly. Take that into consideration when you think about how well your digestive system is working and what you are putting into it. Some really scary shit can happen when you are not processing your food correctly or efficently enough. Here are some extreme measures I have found that aid the body through vitamins and minerals and proper diet. I am still looking into a gluten-free, casein-free (GFCF) diet. I am also researching RAW FOOD diet but as far as I can see that is a very extreme type of eating and it seems best suited for those who are ailing or are frequently sick.

Treatment for Viral Infections: Monolaurin: ¼ tsp, 3x/day: active vs measles, HHV-6, pathogenic bacteria;

Treatment for Weakened Immune System Zinc: 20-200 mg Selenium: 100-200 mcg Beta-glucan (activates macrophages, the part of the blood that eats foreign matter) Caution: easily becomes rancid, so make sure you get a good brand IP-6 (from Enzymatic Therapy): activates Natural Killer cells; 1-2/day on empty stomach Transfer Factor: from Chisolm Oral immune globulin – prescription only

Treatment for Mercury and other Heavy Metals (see Consensus Treatment for Metal Detoxification for Childrenwith Autism) DMSA: but it can cause temporary regression, possibly by the undigested amount feeding gut bacteria Alpha Lipoic Acid: but caution, it can make some children worse Glutathione: oral, transdermal, or intravenous Colostrums (Kirkmans Super Colostrum Gold) Monolaurin Vancomycin or flagyl – to fight bad bacteria Fiber (Miralax is one option) Reduce sugars Eat vegetables Essential fatty acids.

Mercury detoxification is best done with DMSA. Chlorella and cilantro should be avoided because, although they gather mercury from the environment,they do not bind mercury as strongly as human tissue, so they will tent to release mercury into humans. DMSA can best be used on a 3 day on, 11 day off cycle, with dosing every 8 hours (4 hours vs 8 does not seem to make much difference). DMSA may cause some fatigue or irritability, since it seems to cause GI dysbiosis temporarily. DMSA does not transport mercury into the brain.
Once DMSA has lowered the level of heavy metals, alpha lipoic acid can be added on the days of DMSA, and will increase excretion of mercury. Doses for alpha lipoic acid can start at 1-3 mg/kg-day, and increase up to 10 mg/kg-day.

Treatment for Protein Maldigestion: - morselation: chew food into smaller pieces, so more surface area for digestion - Digestive Enzymes: options include EnzymAid, Creon, others for all meals/snacks

Treatment for Ammonia Excess It is a neurotoxin. To test for it, ship blood only on dry ice. To treat it, follow treatment for protein maldigestion. Also, reduce/eliminate glutamine. Finally, use alpha keto glutaric acid, 100-300 mg, 2x/day

Treatment for Nutritional Deficiencies Multivitamin/mineral supplement Essential fatty acids
High-quality food (no junk food, soda, etc) Eat smaller portions, more frequently

Treatment for Food Allergies Test for food allergies at a lab like Immunolabs – remove allegic foods rotation diet (don’t eat the same thing) Digestive enzymes IV immunoglobulin and mercury detoxification may help

Treatment for Detoxification: Oral sulfur: taurine, glucosamine sulfate, MSM, n-acetyl cysteine
Transdermal magnesium sulfate (Kirkman), epsom salt baths Glutathione – transdermal or IV Milk Thistle – to support liver

diets (GFCF, low sugar, organic (esp. meat)purified water, no nutrasweet)
digestive enzymes probioticsvitamin/mineral supplements (esp. zinc and C)cod liver oil (for vitamin A and D)
fish oil and evening primrose oil (for omega 3 and omega 6 fatty acids)
anti-viral meds secretinDMSA/alpha lipoic acid (to remove heavy metals)bethanecol (helps intestinal mucosa, stimulates digestive enzymes).

Summary:
1) gut damage creates breeding ground for bad bacteria and fungi
2) mercury causes GI problems
3) many nutritional deficiencies exist
4) poor protein digestion causes nutritional deficiencies and
food for bad bacteria Effective treatments for the above conditions exist and can help.

all this data is avaliable all over the internet but if you would like me to spoon feed the sites to you rather then research them your self I would be happy to send them to you.

To determine a name

2005-04-29T11:33:00.000-05:00

There is a process I think should be made known about names. when person is born they know nothing of language or the physical identifiers, dynamic consciouness labels or what ever you look at as your name. As you grow older and wiser with every moment you strech what you knew the preceeding moment. At one point you learn what you are called by those around you and what or how to call on them. At another point you learn that everything has been assigned a refrence point by which to call on or refer to that thing and you begin to speak by relating to things. There was a point in my own life where my name no longer suited me but on the advice of my parents, I never changed it. What I am getting at and I no longer want to take the time to explain is this. Your name is not always what people will call you. Its more important then you think but less important then you will ever know. Soak in your individuality for now but remember that to more then one person you are just that loser on the corner.

Its a poison

2005-04-26T10:05:00.000-05:00

I have a secret craving to drink a cup that I know very well could get me killed. Oh the sweet poison that is adrenaline. If you have never put your life and your soul on the line a few times you will never know what I am talking about. I crave that bitter bliss that is only found on the edge of demise, far beyond the borders of reason. I want to go to the places where stupidity is fatal and perfection is the standard. I want to run with wolves and lions knowing that I am with my own kinda. Those warriors who can only taste their sweat and crave the pop of their joints from life in a fast lane with no road. God why do I want this so much? I feel like a very well used sword being set on the shelf to waste away. I keep telling my self that I am not wasting away I am learning patience and self control. I am learning how to hold still at a thousand miles an hour. I am beginning to know what it is to truly listen and also what it feels like to be heard. I am no longer looking for a fight, I am finding a reason behind a senseless war. I am getting motive for what I no longer see as madness and learning why I ran so hard when I should have learned to walk. Yes, It is a poison I crave but I know I need something else.

A breeze running through

2005-04-25T00:29:00.000-05:00

As I gaze into the places that eyes cannot see and I am brought through the fog of eternity I wonder where I am going. Do I write these insane thoughts for attention or am I thinking them so often I need to write them down to stop thinking them. I need a cigarette around the same time every night. How does it feel? Of all the things I had as a child that I wish I still possessed as an adult I believe a clean mind is the most important. Its in the nature of everything that can think never to comprehend its own insignificance. The harder you try to find meaning the further the meaning you have slips away. I am starting to think that stating the obvious is a waste of time. People don't listen and I can seem to shut up. I just feel crazy when I talk to others about what really interests me. I know too much about noting important and not enough about the things that will make a difference. I hate it all some times. I wish I was still depressed on the epic scale of my youth. I would have a reason for thinking like I do. Now I think all of this completely calm and with no emotion. I have to remind my self not to go through the motions and just how lucky I am. No this is not a glimpse into my mind, just a breeze running through it.

The opposing truths

2005-04-24T00:44:00.000-05:00

Remember to smile.
Don't ever cry.
Always say thank you and please.
If its not felt don't fake it.
Choose your friends wisely.
Grieve with the living not for the dead.
Treat everyone equal.
Be considerate of the opposite sex but not submissive.
Submit to your spouse.
Always stay calm.

You will never be happy.
Cry so hard you never stop breaking inside.
Be more thankful for what you don't have.
Most people don't know sincerity or how to show it.
Friends will always betray or leave you.
Attend funerals. Skip weddings. You will have a tighter grasp on reality that way.
Some are born less fortunate and most will stay that way.
The opposing gender is just a blind to you as you are to them.
Strive for equilibrium not superiority.
Always stay calm.

What has been lost

2005-04-21T15:13:00.000-05:00

There are things that have been lost over the ages. If you ever take the time to listen to the winds that do not move the hair you would know what I am writing about. I have been losing my mind in the contemplation and execution of thoughts that could either damn the soul I believe I have or crush my faith completely. I have no need anymore to know but I keep asking the why. The directions in time I am going to just to get what I believe would be an almost believable answer. With every question I have another question. With every piece of me that becomes stronger another part begins to atrophy. One of the major laws of alchemy is that to gain anything you must give something of equal or greater value. What determines value? Can I give something up that I do not posses? Why believe the truth of one man when it serves you and call him a lunatic in the next breath because what he stands for or says he has proven refutes what you want to believe. There was a time when no one in this land had seen a sailing vessel. When they arrived on the shores of this land only the children could see them. When a ship was sitting in the harbor literally the adults could not see them until they were described by their open minded children. The mind only sees what it is willing to accept. Ever not been able to see something that you know is right in front of your eyes? How open does my mind have to be without what is let in ruining all that is there?

I get to be a hero

2005-03-08T23:40:00.000-06:00

For the first time in a very long time (maybe ever)I get to feel like I am worth the 19 cents of chemicals it takes to make up my body. My whole life I have been fascinated with my own death. I have felt that my place where ever it was could not be found on this planet or this plane of existence. I grew up thinking this and it shaped me in very strange ways. Couple that underlying thought with an open upbringing to believe in something and Pentecostal churches and it makes for very strange ways indeed. I never cared about anything other then fulfilling my "Purpose" and getting to die and move on. When I became a man I forgot about the "You have a purpose" and just thought you can go on living or you can die. It took a lot of effort on my part to try and die and I was not up to the task. I will not say I did not give it a very good try but it just never happened; I am still alive.

Now I have crossed into another realm of living. I live with a purpose and its so very strange. You see I was recently married and now I also have a son. If I die my wife Carmen will miss me. My new and first son will also be very sad and he even might miss me too. For me to wrap my mind around this little truth has take me weeks and I fear I am only beginning. For so long I was resigned to my own life in a way most people do not get to experience. With this preface I will get to what has been bouncing around in my head.

Your hero is all I ever wanted to be.
That is how you make me fee, like a hero.
When your sad and I can make you smile I feel like a hero.
When I don't want to go to work I remember that you love me and I feel like a hero.
If you were stuck in a tower with a dragon guarding your door I would be the first there to set you free cause all I ever want to be is your hero.
To you it may seem childish for me to be your hero, but I swear its all I ever wanted to be.
You are my queen and the finest damsel I could ever imagine.
If you ever need to be rescued know that I will gladly take on the task.
I want you to share everything I have live happily everafter.
You are all I ever wanted,
everything I never knew needed,
Now I hope you see your hero is all I ever want to be.

The bending of being

2005-02-14T09:41:00.000-06:00

I had a dream. I was sitting on a sphere with all who have ever exsisted. This sphere was large but not nearly as big as one might think. As I looked around some of us were watching the slow rotation (which was on every axis) but most seemed to have their heads down as if they were sleeping. As I looked ahead I could almost hear somthing calling into my mind to come forward. We were so tightly packed on this eternal etheral moon I did not know how I would move let alone move past the horizon. This voice was so soft and soothing it was almost like the sound of the smallest chime ever struck. It was neither gender but it had a strength to it that compeled me to obey. So I sat back in my place and lamented my inability to transcend my place among the mass of others like me. As I sat down I decided the only way to get anywhere was to try to find another way around my problem. Once I began to relax I felt my mind being pulled from where my body resided and I was quickly brought to a place at the edge of where people resided. I looked around to see what or why I was brought there and all of time flashed before my eyes. It has all happened before I thought. Then I looked above me and the edge of a giant storm. Lightning flashed and winds whipped featureless terrain into a frenzy of blunted weapons and chaos. I was left small and insignificant by the sight of this force of time. As I began to retreat I saw that all of those on the edge of this goliath storm all had their heads down. Did they not see this thing encroching on their space? did they not care? could they not see this is what has wiped the slate clean time and again and all they were doing was exactly what has always been done? ignoring it and hoping it will pass them by. That will not happen I thought they are going to be torn to shreds. as the wind around me began to pick up I tried to scream at them to look ahead and see what is coming but they could not hear me. I felt like all my effort was in vain and I could do nothing to help those I saw in peril. weakened by my own emotion I fell down crying and woke up.

I have related this story as best as I could but it seems as I proofread it I have failed at conveying what I am trying to say.

The gold ring

2005-02-14T09:28:00.000-06:00

I am turning the situations over and over in my head and I am growing quieter as the thoughts crowd my head. I am more then a little curious about how you plan on making your ammends with the dead. You cannot say goodbye to those that are gone but you also cannot wish well to those who do not believe in good. I am finding that all my questions come full circle and one has crept up on me again. In its resurfacing I find the path of those who were once strong and have grown weak. Yes when I rehashed this one I almost answered it differently then I have for so many years. I found the error and it pulled me out of my depressive state but nearly too late for any good to come from the answer.
I am glad to find you all well, though it has been so long since the last time I wrote. I begin writing again because as I see the road ahead I realize there is little to do but bite the bullet. I have no outlet that is sufficent other then this so I again must continue to write here. There are some of you I wish did not read this but I guess the wheel weaves as the wheel wills. I have, as I stated above, come out of about a month long funk of depression. I have encountered on the other side of this some younglings waiting to be taught. I dont want to teach but I have to wonder if I do not guide them down the path of my experience where will they go next for knowledge? I have been told that my mentality of "If not me then who?" is a bad one because it spreads me thin; Wears me down inside and out. I am again trying to add depth to my being by forcing my self to take on different routines. Changing up my days is already having its benefits. I think I am done for now.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

2005-02-12T05:12:00.000-06:00

Ha ha. Do you remember that time when you stopped the car you were riding in to yell at me for smoking. I was what like 14 then? Man were you pissed to see me do what you wished I never would. You yelled at me and made me look like an ass to all my friends in my foolish attempt to look cool. I wish you knew a better way back then to be a big brother then being an ass but that was how you were and leading a double life was how I was. You never told mom or dad about that even though I gave you the middle finger when you drove away. Oh yeah then you saw me in the rear view and stopped the car to give me another piece of big brother love. fuck I look back and think how funny that was and yea still think you were an ass. You love me too much for your own good. You were always the cooler smoother version of what I always wanted to be. All I ever felt around you was fat and clumsy. Its funny to think about those times now cause I usually had no idea why you were the way you were. Rob left when you were what 13? I was 9? All those time are so fuzzy, were you just trying to be the best brother you knew how? I know if I had a little brother I would do a better job then both of you cause you always do better when someone else shows you how to do it. Did you ever know I attribute most of my parenting to you? Everyone else seems to think I got all kinds of attention that I can never remember getting. It seemed like the only attention I ever got was from you whether it was bad or good it was still attention. You were the cloth from which I was cut. You fashioned the majority of my habits and disposition. You are my doctor frankenstein. Ever thought about that? Did you know I always envy you? In your mind you are something totally different then what you are to me. You were always the last person I ever want to stab and the first person I drew the knife on. You are not just a brother you are a father figure to me, a Darth Vader kind but one never the less. Ever thought that you were the person I followed my whole life? You and your wife have been together for 12 years. You and I have been around for about 20. She still has the better part of a decade to get out of the way before she can start to match years with me. The only person I will have spent more time with by the time we are laid to rest in our graves other then you is my wife. I have been with you like a child who will not go away. You are my brother in blood and that will never change. I love you till death brings us home again. Please forgive me.

Scars

2004-11-24T23:54:00.000-06:00

I tear my heart open,
I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

There is no end to war...

2004-11-05T10:46:00.000-06:00

To the idiots who think war is bad. Every major conflict in the historyof the known world was solved by violence and war. From the Native Americans to the early Sumerians. That is the nature of your species and you cannot change it. All you can do is hope your side wins and shut the fuck up. If your not fighting then you have no place to complain and the ammendment that gives you the right to talk shit about war and those who fight in it is wasted on you. Those who die out there in a place you only know through CNN and CSPAN without their families or friends their blood is wasted on protecting you. You dont deserve their sacerfice and if you dont like it then go fuck off somewhere else. War is everywhere and it will never end unless you go and fight it.
"Only the dead have seen the end of war"
"This is war and in war you do not fight for your own life but for the death of your enemy"

What moves you to think?

2004-11-04T02:17:00.000-06:00

This made me think. I like it because I believe I can forgive anything give the chance and the time to recover from what ever it is that needs forgiveness.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” — Mohandas Gandhi

Where is the strength.

2004-11-01T01:30:00.000-06:00

Pulling my halo down, I should be medicated.
There is a certain amount of destruction in my behavior that has over the years evolved into an art form and almost a dance with my own mortality. I hate me and I am so in love with me. That is my duality. I hate myself so I attack others with a visciousness that is unmatched to this day by anyone I know. The reason is I dont like to leave marks on peoples skin I would rather leave a burned memory in their mind. A smell that reminds them of me and makes them cry. A sound that will forever make their skin crawl or make them jump to the ceiling. Its that side of me that craves power that is this way. That is the me in business and in dealings with those foolish enough to cross me. I dont hold grudges I just seek revenge. I like justice and I enjoy dispensing my own sort when I see it convenient. Its not done out of hate for the person but rather out of a desire to set a record straight or a wrong made right. That me very few see and those who do will never speak of it for fear of their life. You know who you are and I will kill you if you try to play your games with me again. Doubt me watch my eyes when I am not watching you. They are not the eyes of a lover naturally. I am a predator, flesh and bone but I am a lover by choice. I have very little humanity left. This all kinda makes me uncomfortable around people. If I am in a large crowd for too long and too many people are talking to me watch my eyes again and you will be able to hear me screaming with rage.
The other side wants a family and a child or two or ten and maybe even a few dogs. I am capable of so much love it hurts not to let it out. I only wish there was a balance between the two worlds. I dont know but I am at a crossroads and if I dont act soon this will pass me by. I do love this girl but I need to dull my edge and kill the beast. I am afriad to do that because that will only make me more of a liability when the days turn to night and the nights are thick with the smoke of the burning dead. When heaven walks on earth and hell comes to claim its own there are those warriors who are ordained to protect the innocent and escort pure of heart to safety.

Enough By Gravity Kills

2004-10-21T15:21:00.000-05:00

I am not sure how I feel but I think it might be described as manic or maybe depressive who cares. Everyone puts song lyrics up so I decided to put some that I like.

I love the thill, I love the scene.
Imagine you in the white light,
So beautiful, you watch me bleed
You're stabbing me from inside me now,
Kneel down and tell meabout your world,
Tell me something that I don't know
You know nothing about the world around you.

It's not enough broken in two
It's not enough speaking the truth
It's not enough watching me bleed
It's not enough torn in between It's not enough
I'm watching you distorted view
So beautiful in the white light

It's make believe, all that you see
It's haunting you from inside now
Kneel down and tell me about your world
Show me something inside your world
You know nothing about the world around you

It's not enough broken in two
It's not enough speaking the truth
It's not enough watching me bleed
It's not enough torn in between
It's not enough

Sometimes in me, you are the seed, A dying need in the white light.
The simple truth, it speaks to me.
It's screaming out from inside now.
Kneel down and tell me about your world
Tell me something that I don't know
You know nothing about the world around you

It's not enough broken in two
It's not enough speaking the truth
It's not enough watching me bleed
It's not enough torn in between
It's not enough broken in two
It's not enough speaking the truth
It's not enough watching me bleed
It's not enough torn in between
It's not enough

--"Time means nothing when you have nothing to lose."
Gravity Kills

My little death...

2004-10-21T03:19:00.000-05:00

With a grain of sand or salt? Maybe if I chew it apart then I could understand the meaning in mangled bites. There is so much I could say but it might take me too long. Its 0245 as I start to write this post. Does my geographical placement dictate where I am? I have too much running thorough my head. I die a little when I hear your voice and then have to say goodbye. I don't know anything.
There is a place in my mind where nothing can touch me. There I feel nothing for anyone and I cannot ever be hurt. In that place fire sits frozen on top of candles and ice melts to steam in a heart beat. Sand is turned to glass and windows turn to dust. Diamonds shatter from the pressure in that place. There is no poetry or music not beauty or sunshine its a void. Being in that place is like being in a sarcophagus fashioned from time its self and set at the bottom of the ocean. Its lonely there and very uncomfortable but I find my self going there at the strangest times and I think for some reason I am trying to get comfortable in the last place I should ever want to be. In that place the thing I find I don't have here is humanity. There is no sound to disturb my blissful silence. I cannot hear the water around me. There is no steady drone of a heart with a hole in it. The pathetic wheezing of lungs that are too small is strangely absent. I don't hear the buzz of a nervous system that is damaged from knees to toes and fingers to elbows. I am flawless in this place where no one resides, not even me. I think that it is possible to give up in this place and never return back to reality. To walk among the living a drone of what ever though graces the chunks of meat inside that bone case on my shoulders. Peering out of my eyes like some commander on a submarine deep beneath the surface seeking another target. That place when I write about from here seem like the kind of place I should give up on and never go back.
If someone has ever looked into your eyes and cried because of what they saw you and I might be the same
If you have broken all the Noahide laws before you felt the stain of humanity you and I might be able to talk
If your own heart beat makes you sick with its whining tap against your rib cage you and I might think alike
If you have ever wished your body looked as decrepit as your soul feels you might be in a place I once was
If you have such intense rage that it can change the temperature of a room then maybe we should compare notes
I am in this alone aren't I

strange daze...

2004-10-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

I had a good post and it got deleted. Just know that silence is truth and to deny your own thoughts is a crime greater them most can understand. Becareful what you allow to flow into your head.

Where is the love?

2004-10-08T15:35:00.000-05:00

I am laughing right now because I have not Posted here in some time. I had an interlude of pain and I wanted to make sure that I enjoyed every moment of it. Yes I know that is a little bit screwy but its the only thing that I know ensures I am alive. As much as in the moment of my pain I dont want to be there I love the aftermath. Like a typhoon of clensing emotion the pain is somthing that always leaves nothing behind but the landscape of my heart. When I build my poor structures on the sand that was my way of loving that typhoon was Gods way of cleaning the scene. Yeah I know to say that God would do somthing to me that at the moment feels like someone poured boiling battery acid in my veins is a bit sadistic but its my comparison not yours. Its a very head clearing thing that I cannot hate and I think if it happens again I am going to make it my new addiction. I wonder if I am stable yet? I will more then likly cry my self to sleep tonight cause I think I am out of the woods. We will see.

2004-09-17T02:28:00.000-05:00

I am angry at you

2004-08-27T23:34:00.000-05:00

I am angry at you today. More then I have been in the last few weeks. You were an emotional crutch for me in as much a way as I was for you. It was not healthy I know but it was great. Then you left and I am stuck to deal with all my own demons. I hate you so much for tonight. You know how I feel when I am around my family and how hard it is for me to spend hours with them and you weren't there. I spent hours with people who I love and cannot seem to spend too much time with. I guess I mistrust them like you mistrust your family. This hurts so fucking much I want to punch you for it. I would never hurt you. I am so sick of being me, anyone want to trade.

nothing

2004-08-14T22:39:00.000-05:00

Nothing

2004-08-14T22:37:00.000-05:00

I had some audio here but I did not like it so I got rid of it. It was about the loony girls that I have a problem entrusting with my heart and cant help but watchin them kick my ass emotionaly. I am a Pussy.

Not enough...

2004-07-27T17:02:00.000-05:00

You ever wonder why the stupid masses are so up in arms about farinhight 911? Why they all call it an unamerican film and that Michael Moore is an ass and he is democratic and blah blah blah. I saw that movie and I will confirm that its biased and anti-bush. What its not is an argument. That is what I found amusing about that film. He only presents facts and personal accounts from real Americans. What he does not do, at least to me, is try to convince you of his point. The movie speaks for its self. The first 45 minutes are just unbelievable but true. You can choose to accept them or remain ignorant of the facts. Pretty funny that Michael Moore is now running with two very highly paid security guards from national security. Fear for his life? I am sure he does but then again do you think it was worth it to him? Would speaking the truth be worth that much to you? Would you stand up for what you believe is right if you knew it would put your neck on the chopping block of the biggest corporation in the world? Money is power and no one has more money then the U.S. Government. Deficit? Well that only mean that they owe money to others. The amount doesn't really matter cause as long as you keep working and spending they will essentially keep taking out a loan on your blood sweat and tears. You blue collar workers and all you middle America schmucks busting your ass just to make ends meat are only living breathing capital. You and your children and your grandchildren and every generation that you may be dumb enough to sire. Good luck in your free America, you are only free in your mind.

Don't speak...

2004-07-23T17:59:00.000-05:00

Just an FYI...

don't say what you do not mean.
don't make a threat unless you can make it a reality.
don't don't complain unless you have a solution.
don't talk unless you ask your self this question: If this was being said to me would I listen?

No rest for the wicked....

2004-07-23T15:09:00.000-05:00

I am sorry for not posting in a few days. I have to be motivated to post and seeing as how I am at work again I think I will post.

there is no rest for the wicked...There is no rest...For the wicked...No rest...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
I have promises to keep
my legs are tired I feel so weak
Miles to go before I sleep

For a long time while I was away I heard this repeated over and over in my mind. Maybe it was my subconscious or maybe something else whispering in my ear for five years without cease. Does anyone know how maddening that is? At that time in my life was was a despicable human being. Abusing my self and others around me as a penance for my transgressions was not enough. At night when I was ready to fall asleep all the acts of the previous days came rushing back to me and I could not sleep. Always the demon of my other side would mock me until after weeks of not sleeping I would get medication and vodka and that would do the trick.

I have a new broken record that keeps playing in my mind as of late and its almost as maddening.

Are you ready? Are you prepared?
Are you happy? Be scared.
It wont take long. It wont be long.
It will be fast. It will last.
You will be there until the future becomes the past.

Do you know that I find that slightly comforting? No I don't like thinking into that too far I just like to be comfortable and that's all. You could cut all the skin from my body as long as you don't make me uncomfortable. Ever had to bury someone with your own hands? I haven't either but I think one day I may have to learn. I don't know what will do it but I know that one day I will cry so hard I will break for the last time. I know I will be pushed to my limits in such a way that I will not recover I will just keep moving forward a broken man. I don't know what will separate her and I but I feel that the minute she is out of my "Protection" it will happen and I will not be able to save her. I can hear the screams of the future sometimes if I listen for them. Ever thought that the weeping of the past if, done hard enough, can ring forward to the future. Ever thought that the future is already written and sometimes what people think are ghost of the past may be warnings from the future? I know cause I can taste my own blood when I have not been cut and I can hear the cries of my brothers all around me. When men weep for their wives and lament the days they were born. When they cry to a God they don't know and have never spoken to before for vengeance. When they have lost everything but the need to believe in something they will cry out for him and he will be there. We will all learn what its like to mourn the dead and how to dread the future.

Are you ready? Are you prepared?
Are you happy? Be scared.
It wont take long. It wont be long.
It will be fast. It will last.
You will be there until the future becomes the past.

The chemicals between us...

2004-07-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

You are young and you are trapped in your own misery. You are the kind of person who still thinks the world can be saved. You cant admit that to me because you, like me, know that its a wasted thing to believe in but you, unlike me, have yet to accept it. You know that people suck and despite your attempts to shake them awake they don't seem to come out of their coma. You want things to get better and right now at this point in your life your not ready to hit the bottom. You will keep going until you finally get so exhausted from your lone savior like battle you give up.
You stop caring about anything and everything and just move through your days a zombie. No not a ghoul like all the rest, you are damned to a much worse fate then the masses. Your undead by your own choosing and your awake to suffer through each grueling moment. You don't have your ignorance shield and thick armor of perpetuated lies to protect you any more.
You don't want to be this bitter but your a holder of the truth and the price of knowledge is eternal unrest in your questionless existence. Sure have some questions but those are the ones that don't need to be answered to see the whole picture. You have enough of the tapestry to make you sick with fear and loathing at your own foolishness. How dare you keep looking for the truth to your existence! Your are destined to toil your life away in social monotonany until you die. Why was that not good enough? Why did you have to keep searching for the Holy Grail, Atlantis, The land of Mu, El Dorado, Aliens, The body of Jesus, the end of Pi? No you just kept going until you came to this point right now. The point that your eyes are truly opened and you see your not alone. There are only a handful of others who see things like you do but you not alone. They all say the same thing, don't rock the boat all it does is throws others over who cant swim. The end is near, we will all get to sleep that truly rests the body and frees the soul.

Why are you so special...

2004-07-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

I was noticing that there seems to be an inequality in emotional expression among the genders. A woman has a hard day and she gets sympathy or extra slack on her behavior because she is a woman. If I have a hard day and I express it in some emotional outburst I get all kinds of shit.
Why is it that I an not allowed to break apart and she is? I have days where all I want to do is cry and o have others where I want to put a bullet in the head of every panda that wont fuck to save its species. I just hate sometimes and that's me as a man. How many women can handle that? I would like to count them cause I am going to say I could use both my hands and still have one to drink a Pepsi. Not only do I think that on some level are they weaker but they are also ill-equipped to handle the full spectrum of a real man. Take a strong willed woman and pair her up with any real man and he will more then likely be able to withstand her ups and her downs and most of her emotional quips and stupidities. A real woman put into a similar situation will more then likely be crushed by the intensity of the raw emotions of a real man.
Let me say that the majority of both genders are neither real at their core nor are they going to have the courage to show it if they are. What I feel I am more addressing is not a gender inequality but more a human fault. Those who are real know what I am talking about and those who are not will only see the surface misogynist argument that can be made. I don't want to hear from you if you are one of those people. You are not real and have yet to take your first breath as an adult. Those who see this as more a problem with humans in general will understand that you just cannot be real sometimes. People cannot handle the depth to your every word and cannot venture down the dark corridors of your mind without going mad. You know this because talking to the "Average Joe" is akin to inadvertently feeding a newborn baby a steak sandwich. It doesn't work. They love the taste of what your saying but they just cannot digest it. They attempt to consume it in front of you and then they spit it back out as "just too much" in the end. Realists have all at least once lead someone who is just too immature introspectively down the path of self realization only to watch them fall apart in the end and go back to their ignorant ways. Ignorance is bliss but its not an excuse.

What carries me...

2004-07-16T11:27:00.000-05:00

In life we all encounter situations where we need to carry our selves through. Most of us can skate by the day to day without ever thinking. Every once in a great while you encounter a situation where you need to rely on your body or your mind to carry you. An 90 hour work week or 50 hours of grilling tests to get our senior year of college out of the way. You either depend on a body carved out of stone by genetics or a mind hardened like a diamond by an even sharper motivator, will power.
There was a very long time in my life where all I relied on was my body. I had not idea what else to rely on and if I was not forced to I did not rely on my mind. The at around the age of 13 I spent 36 hours with food poisoning in a Forrest preserve and no food or water. I was so sick I could have died, by the time I got home I was dehydrated and just an all out mess. I had to use all my will power to get through this little survival training because my body was rendered useless. I had to push my self to and extent that up until that age I did not know what was possible. I did not know at that time but that would mark the beginning of a long road to mental hardening that would end in BUD/S basic underwater demolition/seal training in Coronado California at the age of 19.
I developed a sense of confidence in my self through those years that would turn me into someone who knew I could do anything if I only preservered. When the day comes that I learn why I have been made into what I am I pray that I am ready for that finale task.

Follow the leader...

2004-07-15T14:06:00.000-05:00

I think I have touched on this subject in previous posts but then again maybe not. A leader, a really good leader, will not volunteer to lead before they are nominated. If you are born in the flesh dyed in the wool natural leader, you are more then likely going to know it and avoid it. You know that to be a truly good leader, the kind people will follow into hell knowing that they might die at your whim or on your bad decision. That is the greatest burden in the whole world to carry. I have found one man I would follow into the depth of the abyss and know that if he did not get me out alive or never got me out at all it was for a reason much bigger them me. I know that because that person is my brother and my life is more valuable to him then his own. Every decision he makes he considers others first and he would not lead them somewhere he could not get them back from. If he brought me somewhere and overestimated his own skills, he would not cut his losses and leave me behind he would die right next to me. With every breath air, every drop of blood and every ounce of courage he would fight for me. He understands the silent vow to lead is to never let men pay for your own stupidity. A leader is a servant of the lowest and most humble order. A leader meets the needs of his men long before he indulges himself and his own needs. A leader is selfless and under control in any circumstance. Bravery, courage, guts, glory? You will never hear a true leader speak of these thing unless speaking of his men. A leader does not lead for those things. A true leader will speak of duty, loyalty, discipline, strength, love, compassion and guilt. Its his duty to lead because he know he can ensure safety to the highest degree. He is always loyal to his people and they are to him. He has the utmost discipline because it mandates organization and without discipline a man is still a boy. He preservers in strength of both body and mind. The mind is no use in a broken body and the largest of giants still follow the wisest of men. Love and compassion for friend and foe alike. Without love and compassion a great leader is but the head of a pack of rabid animals. Guilt is on the heart of every great leader because he loves those he leads and knows he is human and flawed by nature. One day he will fail and those who follow will pay the price for his flaw. He knows this when he steps to the position of leader and he prays for the blow of his own flaw to be only on his own head. That is my brother, he understands his duality and knows himself. He is my fallen hero and I will always be at his side. From my birth to my death, in front or behind but always by your side untill the day I die.

Dear consumer...

2004-07-14T17:12:00.000-05:00

In a response to something I posted on July 12 which evolved in to a conversation in one fashion or another. It can be found in the comments section of that post.
I am not sure if it was to elicit a reaction out of me or something else all together. I guess you could say that me posting about it is a reaction but it was a good statement so I must. I just write what ever I want to and I do contradict my self at times but we all contradict ourselves at one point or another in our own minds. The flaws in what I have to say are not important so try to focus through my own clouded mind for a moment because that's what you get when you read my blog. You get my mind raw, flawed and real.
I know me and being who I am is all that I have ever been really good at. I don't express my good side to anyone because being good makes you a target.
I am a good person to a degree that most others on this planet cannot comprehend and if they can they will not believe it. That's how good I am. I am naturally a person who cannot stand to see injustice and cannot see the good in harming another. I know what unconditional love is and I have always given it. I know what its like to starve and I have looked into the eyes of a dying man and said my goodbye to the music of his last breath. I know the wisdom of age and the exuberance of youth. I hate to lie but I know that there are times where it can be justified, not right only justified. I am true to me and what I believe and I am loyal to those I love. I am not blinded by the farce of feelings but I am not ignorant to the thing that makes me human. I speak of my darker side because that's what most people want to read about. I hope that the more that read this site the more they will try to learn from me. No I don't want to lead I want to set a failed example of the perfect template so that others can try also. I am such a good person that writing this reminds me of how much I hurt inside for others. I am such a bad person that the only thing I can think of some days is that I will pay for what I have done. I am such a bad person that when the paradime shifts and swings the other way I pray that my good will have outweighed my bad. I am such a bad person that I doubt that I could correct the things I have set wrong if I was given another life. I am such a contradiction wrapped in this flesh that I beg for a forgiveness that I know I don't deserve. I had a point I wanted to make but I forgot it already so I am going to end here.

The pig and the truffle...

2004-07-14T10:40:00.000-05:00

If no one knew I am going to explain what a truffle is. A truffle is a root that is very soft and has a very unique taste. Truffles are very difficult to find without a very very sharp nose. In the middle ages rather then train a Dog for years to find them small pigs were used because without training a pig could find a truffle quickly. Truffles were hard to eat raw so they were diced and covered in chocolate and served as a desert. I feel like the pig. You see I am more of a source finder for my brother who is more the culinary expert. I give him information that to me is difficult to swallow and he refines it and dices it up into small pieces for me to eat. He is very good at refining the truth and I am very good at finding truth. I love him for this cause I hate to have to sift through the truth for hours just to make head or tails of something that I am pretty sure will add up to no more then a small tidbit of fun. Him on the other hand, he must know what is true and what is not and he will search an entire pathetic site to ensure he has not missed a single fact.

# 1

2004-07-12T15:03:00.000-05:00

I could detail my life from shortly after I was born till the day I know I am going to die. I wont cause that would bore everyone to death with the exception of the random highlight and comical interlude. So I am going to attempt to just document the really good bad and sexual parts of my life. You all will find it more interesting.

What was her name? The first girl that I can remember having sex with was Linae. I say that I can remember because I am fairly certain there almost 25 women before her that I only have drunken snips of memories from each. What happens in Mexico stays there right? More on this subject tomorrow. My woman giving me a huge headache.

How much?

2004-07-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

How much do you love me? Do you love me enough to wave hello or maybe to say goodbye and shed a tear? Do you care for me enough to listen to me or even pick me up if I fall? Would you donate blood to me if I was dieing? How about bone marrow? Would you give me half your liver or a kidney even if mine was destroyed from drugs and alcohol? Would you take a bullet for me? How about a dull spear? Would you leave your family and friends forever and travel with me to a place you have never been and will never come back from? Would you give up everything all in three seconds and trust my judgment to guide us, my skills to provide for us, my strength to protect us and my faith to keep us in the grace of the living God? I didn't think so, I wouldn't either.

What I wear...

2004-07-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

I am wearing the flesh of someone else. I have decided that who ever or what ever I am is not defined by the way I look or what dies when I am stabbed to death in Detroit. I am wearing the flesh of my father but I have the remains of 10,000 men lurking inside of me. I feel like I have a giant sleeping inside of me. Just waiting to wake up and do what ever its intended to do. I look in the mirror and I do not see me I see what I am wearing. I feel like some dressed my soul in meat and has been trying to control it. I am slowly sniping the the strings of the marionette and being give control and I feel excited and dragged down by it. I imagine this is how a rat would feel if it was put into a race in a maze with 5 billion other rats and one was selected and given a way to walk through the walls that hold all the rest. The only catch is, that rat has to finish the race from beginning to end. Think about that for as long as it takes to get what I am trying to say. Everything I have wanted are things I feel like I have already had before. I have no real desires other then the passions to find out what is going on inside. Everyone is someone else's entertainment. Who am I amusing?

More jibber...

2004-06-29T23:43:00.000-05:00

so, yeah what ever...

2004-06-29T12:44:00.000-05:00

A gateway drug...

2004-06-28T16:33:00.000-05:00

I recently heard that they do not legalize marijuana because its a "gateway drug" to harder more dangerous drugs. I have smoked "pot" done many other drugs in my life and I can safely say that a gateway drug is a bullshit statement. Keep in mind that drug abuse/addiction is really just a symptom of a much larger sickness, a concrete manifestation of the darkest psychic depths. I have delved into the depths of why I started and stopped any and all drugs and they built on themselves only because I was searching for something that no one else around me could provide. An escape from my reality. Anyone who advocates legalizing marijuana is about as smart as those trying to keep it illegal. I am not going to get into this cause its all starting to bother me.

A borrowed but true statement...

2004-06-28T15:18:00.000-05:00

As for me I will have a bit of self loathing with a side of internal anguish. As I have said before I was in the military and with that you should assume I have issues. I say this to the common reader as a warning. I am blessed with a crippling self-awareness which alternately permits me flights of cathartic expression, and when directed inward, horrific self-abuse. Most of what I say on this blog is because if I do not direct some of it outward I would kill my self. I am overwhelmed and this blog is less then a journal and more of an emergency outlet valve. I am slowly killing my self by being me and this is what I have to stay alive for now. Its a pathetic outlet as far as outlets go. I am insane. Don't listen to me if it helps you keep the voices quiet. Don't watch me if your worried what I am going to do next. Make sure you keep reading though so you can keep tasting a reality that you will never have. Deny that your as crazy as I am because lying to yourself will make you emotionally numb. In the end you will also go to sleep with or without someone and still feel unfulfilled. You are not saying enough or maybe your saying too much that is not true. Ninety-nine percent of you are still not asking enough questions. If you really learn to hate yourself then your taking one step in the right direction.