Grammer

I was just looking over some old posts and I see a lot of incomplete thoughts and poor grammar. I think that I will start to write again. I have a lot on my mind lately and wonder why I stopped writing at all.

Another hero

Ira Hayes

He was a hero who loved his country long before he was a drunk. Don't forget him.

Real Heroes...

Great men are born and die every day. Its only long after their gone that we can really understand their greatness and what made them special. Our memories of them and the remembrance of their names and their legend and myth keeps their spirits alive. It also gives future heroes someone or and idea of that person to strive for. The fight for perfection is never won but imperfect heroes who are remembered keep us looking towards that shore for some respite in our endless journey across the ocean that is life. I never knew the following men but their perseverance and dedication is a credit to their race and heritage and families not to mention a medal of honor bestowed on their family name.

Eddie Aikau

"Aikau was a legend on the North Shore, pulling people out of waves that no one else would dare to. That's where the saying came from -- Eddie would go, when no else would or could. Only Eddie dared."






Some of you are meant for greatness and the rest of us are destined to languish in your shadows green with envy and full of despair at our own cowardice.

I stopped...

So I stopped for a while. Its not like I have any devoute readers, If I did they are likely gone now. So I will start again with my ramblings.

The fog...

If someone close to me I believe that I would be broken. I think about myself in terms of coping with difficult situations and I find that I can handle almost anything. I would say everything but I know that I cannot handle grief very well. I withdraw and can’t help but see very limited options on how to deal with it. I am trying to prepare my self for the great losses that I know are coming, the death of my parents and grandparents and most of my siblings but I can’t seem to do it. I know that they are going to die eventually and I believe in being prepared but I wish there was a way to prepare for this kind of thing. I am pretty sure that those losses one at a time would break me for a time at each juncture but I think that the total failure of my family dynamic through loss would ruin me to the extent that I may need to be put in some sort of care facility and on a suicide watch. I am sure that anyone who reads this would think that I am missing a few screws to even ponder these kinds of things but this is how I live. I live every day with the scars of past situations and from those experiences I have learned that I can handle a large amount of stress but there is a point that I break and cannot be repaired. Its that point that I try to avoid and those risks I try to mitigate that might bring me close to that point. It is the Royal Ranger in me trying to be ready for anything and I may go one step further and say it’s the Navy training engrained in my head telling me that the time will come and I must be prepared to fight.


I think of a catastrophic even such as a family member dieing and to me it seems as though it would be like a terrible hurricane of pain and agony. The kind that leaves you feeling weak and vulnerable and completely laid bare and naked to everyone around you in a way you would only have nightmares about. I have only graced the fringes of that kind of storm but I been in a different kind of emotional weather phenomena, I am depressed all the time. There has not been a year that I can remember as far back as I can go where I did not spend the majority of it depressed. Perpetual depression to me is nothing like a storm but more like a cold fog. Rather then leaving you stripped bare and naked you’re fully clothed. At first you don’t think it’s a big deal, you say to yourself that “this fog is not bad, it will pass, its kinda comforting…” but if you have ever been in a thick fog you know that the initial feeling of confidence and comfort quickly fade. Fog soaks your clothing and if you’re in it too long it can chill you to the bone. It slowly saps your strength without you realizing, breaks you down and gets into your clothing and you hair. Soon you’re a wet mess of depression and everyone knows it but you. You can not see very far from where you’re ahead or behind and have very little detail about where you have been since you were in the fog. You just mull your way though your days hoping the fog will lift or you will run into someone else in the fog so that you may travel together through the abyss of emotional deprivation.

dream dream dream....

I had a dream that was sitting in the middle of a field and my whole family was there sittin on top of my shoulders. They were not sitting in any way logical it was more a cat in the hat kinda way and it seemed that they did not know they were sitting on me. I started to cry and then I hit the ground and from beneath me the earth moved. It did not slide it was more like when you drop a rock in a pond and it makes ripples but they were ripples of earth. The exploded out from be in every direction and I knew that anyone in the way was in danger. Every one but my family would feel these waves and so I continued to hit the earth and it was maing a crater below me and i was sinking in this huge, what i can only describe as a gian meteor hole. By the time the dream was ending the pounding sounded like music to me and the crater was the size of the gulf of mexico and it was smoking hot everywhere but where I was. I could not see it but I knew the whole planet was changed and it was all leveled. I also felt very alone and I think my family just sumpped off my shoulders and walked away. Really strange dream.

gone for long

wow it has been a long time since I posted anything and for that I am sorry. I will post today, because its my birthday!! yes I am 27 today and I feel old. The last few months have been pretty un eventful for me other then trying to take my workouts to the next level. I have as of today lost 35 lbs since about March. Its been a long road and I still have about another 15 lbs to lose but where ever my body stops is where I will be happy. I am on a quest to become the best person that I can. I have no friends to hang out with other then my wife and son and I dont know how much they like me bothering them but I do. Such is the way of my life these days and when my purpose comes I will be waiting.

the hero complex...

I keep having weird dreams of my back breaking and my wife poisoning me or having a heart attack and dieing and then being resuscitated. Me standing on a stage telling jokes or sitting in the basement of a house that is burning down all around me. I don't know what it all means but I think it may have something to do with being terribly insecure and maybe a bit sad. I also have a common dream that I am dead, just dead and happy.

I think I may be a depressed person. I know I was known for bouts of depression when I was little and I was always a very melancholy child. I have always felt as though the world was on my shoulders and that I am not strong enough to handle it. I used to lie a lot when I was a child and my mom never let me have sugar cause it triggered my mood swings. I wonder if that was real or if my mom made it up to try to keep me calm. I have always looked forward to death. I don't want to die but I think that being dead will be a very interesting experience and something that I may enjoy and yet be very scared of at the same time. I wonder if there will be any more answers there on the other side then there are here. I will see one day. In other news I have lost a lot of weight in my endless pursuit of the fire/police dream.