More jibber...

so, yeah what ever...

A gateway drug...

I recently heard that they do not legalize marijuana because its a "gateway drug" to harder more dangerous drugs. I have smoked "pot" done many other drugs in my life and I can safely say that a gateway drug is a bullshit statement. Keep in mind that drug abuse/addiction is really just a symptom of a much larger sickness, a concrete manifestation of the darkest psychic depths. I have delved into the depths of why I started and stopped any and all drugs and they built on themselves only because I was searching for something that no one else around me could provide. An escape from my reality. Anyone who advocates legalizing marijuana is about as smart as those trying to keep it illegal. I am not going to get into this cause its all starting to bother me.

A borrowed but true statement...

As for me I will have a bit of self loathing with a side of internal anguish. As I have said before I was in the military and with that you should assume I have issues. I say this to the common reader as a warning. I am blessed with a crippling self-awareness which alternately permits me flights of cathartic expression, and when directed inward, horrific self-abuse. Most of what I say on this blog is because if I do not direct some of it outward I would kill my self. I am overwhelmed and this blog is less then a journal and more of an emergency outlet valve. I am slowly killing my self by being me and this is what I have to stay alive for now. Its a pathetic outlet as far as outlets go. I am insane. Don't listen to me if it helps you keep the voices quiet. Don't watch me if your worried what I am going to do next. Make sure you keep reading though so you can keep tasting a reality that you will never have. Deny that your as crazy as I am because lying to yourself will make you emotionally numb. In the end you will also go to sleep with or without someone and still feel unfulfilled. You are not saying enough or maybe your saying too much that is not true. Ninety-nine percent of you are still not asking enough questions. If you really learn to hate yourself then your taking one step in the right direction.

Its all happening...

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift; that's
why they call it "the present".


I liked that Quote so much this morning I stole it from another blog and placed it in my own. Its the truth and if everyone thought about today as what it is then maybe people would be worth saving.


I posted last night at 2323:43 and shortly there after I felt a small earth rattling quake at around 0110 and it was pretty scary for me. I could not sleep for the life of me and now with more and more frequency my visions and dreams are happening. Its not that they never happen but they are usually very far off and nothing I should have to pay attention to. Looks like the days of far off prophecy are coming to an end. Oh you don't believe me? Here is the article.


By F.N. D'ALESSIO
Associated Press Writer
Published June 28, 2004, 10:12 AM CDT

CHICAGO -- A brief earthquake struck the Midwest early Monday, rattling windows and awakening sleeping residents from Wisconsin south to Missouri and from southwestern Michigan west to Iowa.

No injuries were reported from the quake, which occurred about 1:11 a.m. CDT.

Brian Lassige, a geophysicist with the U.S. Geological Survey in Colorado, said the quake was magnitude 4.5, and its epicenter was about eight miles northwest of Ottawa in northern Illinois, close to the small village of Troy Grove. The rural area is about 70 miles west of Chicago.

Lassige said earthquakes in that area are rare, but have occurred before. He said quakes have been recorded there in 1881, 1912 and 1972. Survey said the three-second quake occurred at a depth of 3.1 miles in a structure associated with the Sandwich Fault Zone. It was not connected with the New Madrid Fault further south, which has been responsible for the Midwest's most serious earthquakes.

Initial reports indicated no major damage from the trembler, although police agencies and radio stations within the quake area were inundated with telephone calls.

``It was mayhem around here for a while,'' said Pattie Burke, a dispatcher for the Ottawa Police. ``We had more than 200 calls from residents in a short period of time, all of them wanting to know what had happened. A lot of them seemed to think a truck had crashed into their house.

``Here in the station, it felt like an aircraft was about to crash right here. The quake was felt at three nuclear power plants in Illinois: Quad Cities, LaSalle and Dresden.

Craig Nesbit, a spokesman for the Exon Corp., which owns the three generating stations, said the Nuclear Regulatory Commission declared an ``unusual alert'' for all of them, although there appeared to be no damage.

``All of them were operating 100 percent, and no problems were reported, but we did a check of all safety systems,'' Nesbit said.

Nesbit said the three stations supply electrical power for several million Illinois residents.

Reports of the shaking came from at least as far east as Valparaiso, Ind., and as far west as the Quad Cities, and from Wisconsin in the north to the St. Louis area in the south.

Gary Spaulding of Marseilles, Ill., said he was relaxing in his mobile home when the quake struck.

``It was like somebody shot off dynamite,'' said Spaulding, who added that his cat leaped out of his lap and would still not come near him two hours later.

``I thought maybe a tree hit my trailer,'' Spaulding said. ``I've got a dead tree in my yard.''

Jeff Biesemeier of Freeport, Ill., said his whole house ``was just vibrating.''

Joe Knapp of Delafield, Wis., just west of Milwaukee, said he was asleep and awoke when the bed began shaking. ``Everything was just rolling back and forth,'' Knapp said.


Any doubters out there give me a week and I am sure there will be more to come. To me the most annoying thing is the fact that I was looking hard for the metaphysical meaning and it was literal. Hindsight is always 20\20 aint it. I guess that knowing the future does no one any good unless you can interpret it.

Another one bites the dust...

This weekend was not too bad but it was not what I hoped for. They never are anymore. My weekends now amount to the about the same thing as and orgasm for a 90 year old man. Just not how you remember it. Oh don't get me wrong I could make them great but my own morality holds me from doing that. Most of you are saying in your head that I should be able to have a great weekend without getting out of hand. That is not possible for me. I have tasted the fruits of an out of control weekend and I have also enjoyed the months that were the same and once you have had it all else just does not add up. The right group of people and you could turn confession into something worth sending out invitations too. Its all about the people. I no longer hang around a group of people that I can trust and a really shitty situation. All I have is me, my brother, and my best friend. Does anyone know how much shit you can get into when you go out to have the kind of good time I am looking for with only two people? Lets just say that its not worth the dental work in the long run. Memorable but not worth the recovery time. Now if you go out with six or maybe seven people then things can look pretty good and be long worth the trouble. Not two. Never. Two people and one being married is just a combination for trouble.


I keep having this dream that I am in a house where everything around me is shaking like an earthquake. When I first had the dream things were not shaking at all but now every time I have this dream things are shaking worse and worse. When I wake up from it I am nauseated to the point I want to be sick. Just weird. Ever felt like you mind is living in another place when you go to sleep and when you wake up its gibbering on trying to tell you all that it did while you were resting? Yeah I think that anyone who reads this should do me a favor and get me some help. I think I am losing my fucking mind. I want to seek help for my delusions and my fears but I don't think there is help out there for me.

Al Pacino in the Devils Advocate on GOD...

The major reason I am putting this sound byte on here is because I really enjoyed that movie. It has a lot of truth and its a very unique perspective on the devil and God. Anything can be twisted to seem like truth if you have enough practice at telling lies.



The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe he was not real. Imagine a world where the "devil" or supreme evil is not a myth but a cognitive that people actually know and have seen doing his/her evil things. If everything we believe to be fake or myth was suddenly made real or proven true how would that alter your life? If you atheist and you stand firm on the fact that your life is your own and you control your own fate how would you feel if someone could prove God? What if your life revolves around church and Jesus and he came back and told you that what you believe is a lie. The message, his "PASSION", what he was trying to teach was love not public piety and or greed? When all that you believe and everything you have been taught, learned and worked for is taken away: Who is left?

Your uncomfortable and I am happy...

So I am standing outside the elevator waiting for it to reach the first floor in blue jeans and a quicksilver button up. It reaches me but its already filled with a group of typical males around my age. So I relax and wait for them to exit the elevator. As I stand in my usual (cocky possibly?) stance they all get quiet and stare at me as if they were a bunch of roosters and I am to stand on their house top before they get too. Which is to say they were not happy with me and I said nothing. I casually returned their stare rather then lower my gaze as most men do. As I step on the elevator the last one remarks on my clothes. I had to laugh but I felt no need to retort back.
I have this to say to them. Your insecure and weak and I eat people like you for breakfast. If I exude confidence and it makes you uneasy its because you cannot handle reality. My reality is that I don't care what I look like and I don't care what you think. Your reality is the same old bullshit. If you can feign a friendship long enough to get what you want from that person you will call them a friend. If you can fake it so well that they give you money then they are your best friend. You are never real with anyone and least of all your self. When you see someone who is real and living in the NOW you get defensive and scared. I forgive you but at the same time I am so sad for you. You commit the gravest trespasses against yourself, worse then any you may impose on anyone else. You are tearing your own heart apart for the sole purpose of fitting in. I am sorry I make you uncomfortable but hopefully one day you will get to a point in your life that you will be forced to see reality. You will be at the bottom looking up and then maybe you will see what really matters.

Is this poison?

Pathetic? Sad? I am not sure...

I guess if your a hard worker you might find me pathetic and most everyone else would just find this sad but here it is. Someone pulled the alarm in my office building and I was excited that it happened. Not because I am a hard worker but because I am a huge slacker and I hate this place. Buildings like this are what make beautiful landscape look like shit. People that build them are the greedy whores and power mongers of our economy that ruin our entire planet. I wish I could take credit for the pulling of the alarm. Alas I was not clever enough to think of it and I will not do it now cause it has already been done. So that was the most excitement I have had at this job in 6 months (if you don't count choking on a lean cuisine in march). I do feel like a caged animal here and I wish a cute customer would wander by so I could gawk like the testosterone infused animal that I am. I don't know what is wrong with me today but I am very emotional. Maybe I will go sit by the waterfall and try to relax for a second. I wish I had my rittalin.

A dark day

Its a dark day when you have to worry about being tested by the government for mental illness just cause they want to bolster their pharmaceutical sales. I hate the idea they we are all being lied to by Uncle Sam and still for some reason just accepting it. I heard a saying once about someone who is a true believer in what ever cause they decide to champion. When presented with the truth about their cause, that its a lie or that they are just being misled by their leader they will refuse to admit the reality. The do not want to say they were wrong and the they were fooled or even that they are the enigma not the answer. I am a patriot and I love my country but you will never get me to believe that the government is there to protect me or take care of the needs of its civilians. I was in the military and I will say that there is a very different perspective from a soldier and a civilian. A soldier is not under the illusion that he is important and a civilian is. A soldier knows that if it came down to his life, a mission objective or an expensive piece of equipment its going to be his ass. A civilian thinks that human life has some sort of value to those in control. Human rights are fake and the moment that they interfere with government agenda you will all be injected with enough fear to make you volunteer your rights away in the name of security. How long before the rest of you wake up and smell the decay of the past, taste blood of the present and the see the chains of the future?

A thought on beginnings and ends...

Who knows pain?

Pain has long been a close friend of mine. When I was like 2 I spilled rice soup on my leg and left a life long third degree burn scar. A reminder and almost a memento of my early acquaintance with pain. I do not remember the burn (I still have the scar) but I do remember my first serious amount of pain after the burn. My brother convinced my to ride my bike off a jump he made. I was terrible at riding a bike and at this point I had yet to master the fine art of turning. Because I loved him and at the ripe age of seven already weighed in at a whopping 75lbs he thought I would have a higher success rate then him. Actually he thought this could really hurt me so I will let my little brother do it. The jump was a piece of plywood about 1/2in thick and about 3feet long and 2 feet wide. The cooler was about 18 inches high. If your any good at geometry you will see that is a very steep jump for a 7 year old who can only ride a bike in a straight line. So I test it as all young stuntmen do and I expressed my concern the best way I knew how. I refused to do it cause I was scared. I was then force to do it through the dare and your a chicken taunt. I was also instructed that if I rode really fast I would be fine. So at full speed from almost a block away ( I was so far cause I had to kick the pedals my feet would not reach the bottom most point of the pedal revolution). I hit the jump and sail through the air as planned and for a moment there was such freedom that my word would not be able to express it. Then gravity took over and hit the ground with such force that I was bounced from the seat to the back wheel. Where my young tender area was ground in such a way as to make me wish that I was a girl. Yes that was such pain that I wonder if even now I bear some internal scar from it. I rode that out in terrible pain until I was able to loosen my grip from the handle bars and crumble in pain. Ah yes and he was so proud he laughed yelled how proud he was! For me when the pain was gone his praises made it all worth it in the end. I think where I was going with this was evident to everyone but me until now. That story tells of the worst pain I can remember at the youngest age possible and how it tempered me and made all other pain from that point forward bearable. That is no small statement either. I have torn rotator cuffs in both shoulders broke most of my finger and three knuckles on both hands. I have pulled chunks of scalp off my head and cut through tendons in my knee and my left hand. I have broken my nose and my thumbs and my toes and chipped bone in both my elbows. I have never let out a yelp since then and that is only because I was prepared for the pain long before it ever happened. That is all physical pain but I have been tempered emotionally 10,000 times more then I have physically for similar reasons. No matter the pain now its only preparation for the future and the rewards you will get once you come out of the woods. Don't despair the metal of a man is only made harder by fire never brittle.

killing me softly audio...shit happens

Now that I have found Audioblogger you can hear the drama along with reading it. I still feel like shit but I guess thats why I have to write it all down. I would cut my wrists if I had to sit and listen to the voices that are in my head rambling about all this crap.

Killing me softly...

I have never been someone who is emotional but today is a hard day for me. I know things that the normal and even sometimes the paranormal person do not know and most of the time cannot fathom. I can see the future, my own others and even sometimes the future of animals. When you come to me to tell me you just got engaged I more then likely knew already. If your wife is pregnant? I bet I knew before either of you ever had a clue. Oh you just got a puppy and he is a super smart dog! You don't know that he will save your daughter from drowning in the pool once and then two months later he will bite your wife. Oh your like airplanes and your 22? Well at 33 you will be a pilot and at 47 you will crash your featherlite plane in a field when an unexpected updraft makes you lose control. I know these things cause they are all predetermined in a giant tapestry. I am never wrong and I never say a word to anyone about their future or what I have seen. For all you control freaks who are angry at me for not helping others change their bleak future I have this to say. You are not in control of your life and your freewill is only free to an extent. You cannot change your future and even if you could you would not. The path we all choose was not chosen for us but it is know and its the only way you will take. If I told you that you were going to die in three months of a heart-attack unless you stopped smoking right now for good. You would not stop you would have a drag and that would tip the scale and you would die. As your heart was failing you would realize that you wanted it all to happen exactly this way and no other way. That is why you would fail even though you knew the outcome you would still fail. People are flawed and I see the flaws and I know the actions that accompany them. I have seen so many lives end right in front of me and those who are dying don't even know it. This all started for me at around the age of 13 and the more I paid attention to this unfortunate gift the more I knew about others. So many other things have sprung from this little insight it would take me all day to explain it to anyone. I am writing all of this to say to all those who I knew and did not tell, to all those who I know and I will not tell. I am so sorry, so so very very sorry. Believe me or not, I knew and know that you did not and do not want to know the truth. Ignorance is truly bliss. God I want to die, and I still have 22 years left.

To the reader...

Like a shotgun going off in a monastery I get my first and more then likely my last posted comment to one of my inane ramblings. I have to say its more then what I expected and I love feedback. Want know what it said then just read it but this is my thought.

To you my lonely soul who spends time reading my less then intimate thoughts I have this to say. You have never been a hero and on the off chance that you will be one some day don't be happy about it. All your hero's are fake and they never wanted what they got when they became a hero. I have been a hero since I was five and all I ever received from it was pain and ridicule. I don't say this as my little rant about how I am unappreciated I say it so that you know that no matter what my destiny is I can dream about the road not traveled. When you travel any road the other seems to be the more enticing. By nature you can never be happy as a hero because your life is one of torture and confusion. Every comic and movie and TV hero is portrayed that way at least once in their transparent fairy tale saga. All Superman wanted was to be normal and like everyone else but he could not help being himself. All Batman wanted was his parents back, he would have traded it all for that one selfish act to have his parents. Spiderman was miserable and a bit of an ass to everyone with his "witty" comments. He would have traded it all to lead a normal life with MaryJane but he could not. Hero's are the most selfish and selfless people in the world. To be content they must realize they are selfish and don't want what they have. They want less of what they have because their burden to bear is the burden of truth. They must face the truth of themselves and everyone else all at the same time. They are sub-human/super-human by all who know they are a hero by virtue of humanity. Nothing is perfect and hero's fall and when they make a mistake they don't just fall they are pulled down by those who were just looking up to them. They hit harder and break more completely then you or anyone else will ever know. A true hero never dies they just disappear because they cannot die. They always fall but that never kills them like normal people. It only servers to make them anew in the fire of adversity and when they do "die" someone dumbass decides to take up their burden and carry on the torch. So even in death as a hero you never die your life is just repeated in a different body. My lament is not in being a hero but more in knowing the truth. The truth is no one is innocent and not a single person deserves a hero or a savior. They are all as a whole ungrateful and as singular humans if judged by their actions and or intentions do not deserve much more then the whole. As a hero you lament your path yet walk or run it because of the most basic and selfish and selfless reason of all... You love everyone. You truly hate no one but your self and cannot imagine not serving others. Hero's always fall in love because they are made of the very substance and idealism that is love. They love humanity and humans; not for their crowning achievements and amazing feats as a race or as individuals but for their lowest and most despicable acts. If you truly love someone then you know what I am talking about. You reach the truth when you realize that someone is at their core a terrible person and yet you love them anyway and would still save their ass or chastise them properly when either is necessary. That is the truth that keeps hero's from dieing and that is what keeps a hero alive. Hate and love are apart of life but love is the only one that gets harder and harder to do as you get older. You can get angry at anyone in traffic but can you say you love them? A true hero knows from birth that they are a hero and that is unavoidable. They are humanitarians from the beginning in the truest sense of the word and they resolve to be so from a young age. That resolve is tempered through trial throughout their life. They all fall and fail themselves but they always resolve to do it better the next time.

Where will this country go in 50 years? I look at what flashes across the TV and listen to what pours out over the radio waves and I wonder where its going. Every major point in human history had a beginning and an end. For anyone to think this wont all end is a self deception. I realize that this type of thinking will get me nowhere but I will entertain it for a while longer. Perhaps we better start from the beginning. I have been searching for truth since I was old enough not to like incomplete answers. I learned this all around the age of about six when I noticed that all I had to do to sound smart was play the game of telephone. I would hear adults talk about what for a six year old was a very complex subject and then I would talk to another adult and just repeat the very conversation back to them. They all dubbed me an intelligent child. All I ever was, was a kid with a good memory for conversation and a large vocabulary. As I have gotten older I found that repeating the same things over and over can lead to something very scary. I started to believe what I was telling others when I never actually learned the truth. I started living on hearsay and rumors rather then truth. The beginning for my search for truth was a search for self. I joined the Navy and thought that I would go there a confused boy and leave a hardened experienced man. When my tours of four years was over I found my self but I was far from a hardened man of experience. I was more a confused 23 year old who was broken from a fast paced life of drugs and alcohol then I was a man. I spent three weeks on the beaches of Virginia soaking up the sun and wondering why I did not feel any different then I did before I left on my grand journey of self searching. I realized in those three weeks that who I am and who I strive to be are defined by me as taught by my surroundings and my major influences. I always knew who I was I was just not ready to be that person. I went through what I consider four years of hell and paradise just to learn that I had all the power to be who ever I wanted all along. From that point until now I scoured every source I could to find out how I may affect change in my world and find the truth of my existence.