A little to take the edge off...

Today I am feeling very....Empty. I don't know why I have a very bad craving for something destructive and self depreciating the kind of thing that could spell "T H E E N D" for me. I know most people cannot relate to feeling like they are dead inside but I am feeling this way more and more. Its how I felt when I was spinning my wheels in the military looking for a purpose where there was none. I hate so deep right now that I feel like I need the pain of a broken bone to remind me that I am something more then the intangible ghost piloting this machine. I helped someone very important at work write a document that is going out to everyone at my company which is a few thousand people and it made me smile. I like feeling useful but I hate rotting here with a direction and a rudder and no motor. Fuck me I want to destroy something beautiful.

I came up with a new expression that makes me feel alive when I use it but I wont say it because people worry when I talk crazy.