the contamination....

every day that clocks by makes me sick with my own thoughts as though my mind is pushing only the filth of etheral consciousness through my veins. I am wasting away on the inside and its driving me mad with the inevitability of the future and the futility of trying to find a good place to be or way of life to undertake. I just hate not knowing and in my search for a more solid answer all I am getting more questions that are overtaking the original search in every way and I cannot stop. I look deeper and only get more questions that lead me to papers and current events that point to a past that no one seems to rememeber and there is no record of. I find rest only in the space between seconds and wonder where the end of the stars are and when I will get to go home. We are all made of stars and the comets are our parents when can we get to see the creator. When will my questions be answered? Where is the library where these answers reside? When was the last time we were, as a race, sitting exactly where we are right now? So many questions and not enough minds to ponder all the possible answers. Wait and wait some more. Take the slow path and have patience and the answers will be gladly provided at the end. you memories will start to make sense and your feelings will all be justified because your intuition is the only real intelligence that you posess.

A little to take the edge off...

Today I am feeling very....Empty. I don't know why I have a very bad craving for something destructive and self depreciating the kind of thing that could spell "T H E E N D" for me. I know most people cannot relate to feeling like they are dead inside but I am feeling this way more and more. Its how I felt when I was spinning my wheels in the military looking for a purpose where there was none. I hate so deep right now that I feel like I need the pain of a broken bone to remind me that I am something more then the intangible ghost piloting this machine. I helped someone very important at work write a document that is going out to everyone at my company which is a few thousand people and it made me smile. I like feeling useful but I hate rotting here with a direction and a rudder and no motor. Fuck me I want to destroy something beautiful.

I came up with a new expression that makes me feel alive when I use it but I wont say it because people worry when I talk crazy.

A little annoying...

I know that the only thing I will ever be known for is my death. I know that the works in my life while not important to everyone will mean everything to some. I never want to be special but I cannot shake the comments of others out of my head. How many times do you hear that your a very special person? How many times has someone ever told you that you changed their life? For the better or worse? How often do space out and dream about more and so much less all at the same time? I am lost in my own life and I feel like I am wasting away on the inside a little bit every day. Why do I scare some to death and others have and will never feel safer then they do when they are around me? I really should be medicated. Where are you? Your not alone just speak up. At least I am trying. What are you doing?