Dear....

Why are some thing so hard to say? Why are words not alive and able to convey more then nothing at all? I wish I could speak another language, a language that was alive. Something that could change emotion into expression and move expression through the conflagration of changes that its bound to do while trying to imbue the listener with a full range of images, feelings and conflicting that accompanies such convoluted drama. More then one person will read this and I doubt that for who this is intended will ever reach their eyes. These are things that I will never say and don't want to write but I cannot keep it in. This is my letter to both of you because it has to be said. I hate to lump you both together but I am in rare form today and this is more then likely I will ever be able to write this.

I have failed. I am a weak coward and a liar and I have never had any integrity. I will never measure up to either of you. I set unreal expectations for one and held the other under a microscope for too long. I am the inherent flaw and our relationships and for that I am sorry. Death is to light a penance for a bottom feeding leach like me. My own self imposed punishment is this, honesty. There is nothing worse for me, a shadow, then having to look into the mirror and admit that I have no substance. I am only the refraction of light on the breath greatness. I am the antithesis of you in that I am the inevitable darkness to your light. I beg your forgiveness and humbly plead for redemption from the creator.
I have tried to follow your example but only managed to distort your vision or truth to something perverse and unclean. I tried to be a big brother to him but feel I only succeeded in driving him further on a journey of unending questions and no answers. I am sorry that I was a bad pupil. I am sorry that I was a bad little brother. I am sorry that I don't care enough to be a good friend. I am sorry that I don't know everything. I am sorry that I am not perfect. I want to be perfect. I want to be perfect. I am going to make my self perfect. I don't care what it will cost. I will die trying, I am going to be perfect.

the person staring through
the person staring through the reflective
you've turned and run off with all
to the other side with you
and I know, I know
you try so damn hard to be so happy
so you say, what do I do now that you are me ?
I'll fade with time, just like in the dream
inherit my shoes, they were too hard to fill anyways
I want it to go well for you, start over and do it right
this time for me
open the eyes, look at this wall and notice the one that
borrows and steals
I do this to myself
stick to the side roads
they help interesting thoughts
you see what you want to see

The Broken down palace

I have been looking into so thing about the human body and have found quite a bit of information on the subject of Herbal and alternative medecine. I will share as the information becomes avaliable to me. As far as I can tell it seems that the last truly explored and mis-understood frontier, the human body, has over the years become more and more toxic. The data that I have been reading has a lot to do with heavy metals and their affect on the brain and digestive system. Imagine if during a war you put a city underseige and dont allow any waste disposal to occur or at least limit it severly. No matter how high the walls are or how accurate the or strong the fighters are disease and death will surly follow very quickly. Take that into consideration when you think about how well your digestive system is working and what you are putting into it. Some really scary shit can happen when you are not processing your food correctly or efficently enough. Here are some extreme measures I have found that aid the body through vitamins and minerals and proper diet. I am still looking into a gluten-free, casein-free (GFCF) diet. I am also researching RAW FOOD diet but as far as I can see that is a very extreme type of eating and it seems best suited for those who are ailing or are frequently sick.

Treatment for Viral Infections: Monolaurin: ¼ tsp, 3x/day: active vs measles, HHV-6, pathogenic bacteria;

Treatment for Weakened Immune System Zinc: 20-200 mg Selenium: 100-200 mcg Beta-glucan (activates macrophages, the part of the blood that eats foreign matter) Caution: easily becomes rancid, so make sure you get a good brand IP-6 (from Enzymatic Therapy): activates Natural Killer cells; 1-2/day on empty stomach Transfer Factor: from Chisolm Oral immune globulin – prescription only

Treatment for Mercury and other Heavy Metals (see Consensus Treatment for Metal Detoxification for Childrenwith Autism) DMSA: but it can cause temporary regression, possibly by the undigested amount feeding gut bacteria Alpha Lipoic Acid: but caution, it can make some children worse Glutathione: oral, transdermal, or intravenous Colostrums (Kirkmans Super Colostrum Gold) Monolaurin Vancomycin or flagyl – to fight bad bacteria Fiber (Miralax is one option) Reduce sugars Eat vegetables Essential fatty acids.

Mercury detoxification is best done with DMSA. Chlorella and cilantro should be avoided because, although they gather mercury from the environment,they do not bind mercury as strongly as human tissue, so they will tent to release mercury into humans. DMSA can best be used on a 3 day on, 11 day off cycle, with dosing every 8 hours (4 hours vs 8 does not seem to make much difference). DMSA may cause some fatigue or irritability, since it seems to cause GI dysbiosis temporarily. DMSA does not transport mercury into the brain.
Once DMSA has lowered the level of heavy metals, alpha lipoic acid can be added on the days of DMSA, and will increase excretion of mercury. Doses for alpha lipoic acid can start at 1-3 mg/kg-day, and increase up to 10 mg/kg-day.

Treatment for Protein Maldigestion: - morselation: chew food into smaller pieces, so more surface area for digestion - Digestive Enzymes: options include EnzymAid, Creon, others for all meals/snacks

Treatment for Ammonia Excess It is a neurotoxin. To test for it, ship blood only on dry ice. To treat it, follow treatment for protein maldigestion. Also, reduce/eliminate glutamine. Finally, use alpha keto glutaric acid, 100-300 mg, 2x/day

Treatment for Nutritional Deficiencies Multivitamin/mineral supplement Essential fatty acids
High-quality food (no junk food, soda, etc) Eat smaller portions, more frequently

Treatment for Food Allergies Test for food allergies at a lab like Immunolabs – remove allegic foods rotation diet (don’t eat the same thing) Digestive enzymes IV immunoglobulin and mercury detoxification may help

Treatment for Detoxification: Oral sulfur: taurine, glucosamine sulfate, MSM, n-acetyl cysteine
Transdermal magnesium sulfate (Kirkman), epsom salt baths Glutathione – transdermal or IV Milk Thistle – to support liver

diets (GFCF, low sugar, organic (esp. meat)purified water, no nutrasweet)
digestive enzymes probioticsvitamin/mineral supplements (esp. zinc and C)cod liver oil (for vitamin A and D)
fish oil and evening primrose oil (for omega 3 and omega 6 fatty acids)
anti-viral meds secretinDMSA/alpha lipoic acid (to remove heavy metals)bethanecol (helps intestinal mucosa, stimulates digestive enzymes).

Summary:
1) gut damage creates breeding ground for bad bacteria and fungi
2) mercury causes GI problems
3) many nutritional deficiencies exist
4) poor protein digestion causes nutritional deficiencies and
food for bad bacteria Effective treatments for the above conditions exist and can help.

all this data is avaliable all over the internet but if you would like me to spoon feed the sites to you rather then research them your self I would be happy to send them to you.