Not enough...

You ever wonder why the stupid masses are so up in arms about farinhight 911? Why they all call it an unamerican film and that Michael Moore is an ass and he is democratic and blah blah blah. I saw that movie and I will confirm that its biased and anti-bush. What its not is an argument. That is what I found amusing about that film. He only presents facts and personal accounts from real Americans. What he does not do, at least to me, is try to convince you of his point. The movie speaks for its self. The first 45 minutes are just unbelievable but true. You can choose to accept them or remain ignorant of the facts. Pretty funny that Michael Moore is now running with two very highly paid security guards from national security. Fear for his life? I am sure he does but then again do you think it was worth it to him? Would speaking the truth be worth that much to you? Would you stand up for what you believe is right if you knew it would put your neck on the chopping block of the biggest corporation in the world? Money is power and no one has more money then the U.S. Government. Deficit? Well that only mean that they owe money to others. The amount doesn't really matter cause as long as you keep working and spending they will essentially keep taking out a loan on your blood sweat and tears. You blue collar workers and all you middle America schmucks busting your ass just to  make ends meat are only living breathing capital. You and your children and your grandchildren and every generation that you may be dumb enough to sire. Good luck in your free America, you are only free in your mind.

Don't speak...

Just an FYI...

don't say what you do not mean.
don't make a threat unless you can make it a reality.
don't don't complain unless you have a solution.
don't talk unless you ask your self this question: If this was being said to me would I listen?

No rest for the wicked....

I am sorry for not posting in a few days. I have to be motivated to post and seeing as how I am at work again I think I will post.

there is no rest for the wicked...There is no rest...For the wicked...No rest...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
I have promises to keep
my legs are tired I feel so weak
Miles to go before I sleep

For a long time while I was away I heard this repeated over and over in my mind. Maybe it was my subconscious or maybe something else whispering in my ear for five years without cease. Does anyone know how maddening that is? At that time in my life was was a despicable human being.  Abusing my self and others around me as a penance for my transgressions was not enough. At night when I was ready to fall asleep all the acts of the previous days came rushing back to me and I could not sleep. Always the demon of my other side would mock me until after weeks of not sleeping I would get medication and vodka and that would do the trick. 

I have a new broken record that keeps playing in my mind as of late and its almost as maddening.

Are you ready? Are you prepared?
Are you happy? Be scared.
It wont take long. It wont be long.
It will be fast. It will last.
You will be there until the future becomes the past.

Do you know that I find that slightly comforting? No I don't like thinking into that too far I just like to be comfortable and that's all. You could cut all the skin from my body as long as you don't make me uncomfortable. Ever had to bury someone with your own hands? I haven't either but I think one day I may have to learn. I don't know what will do it but I know that one day I will cry so hard I will break for the last time. I know I will be pushed to my limits in such a way that I will not recover I will just keep moving forward a broken man. I don't know what will separate her and I but I feel that the minute she is out of my "Protection" it will happen and I will not be able to save her. I can hear the screams of the future sometimes if I listen for them. Ever thought that the weeping of the past if, done hard enough, can ring forward to the future. Ever thought that the future is already written and sometimes what people think are ghost of the past may be warnings from the future? I know cause I can taste my own blood when I have not been cut and I can hear the cries of my brothers all around me. When men weep for their wives and lament the days they were born. When they cry to a God they don't know and have never spoken to before for vengeance. When they have lost everything but the need to believe in something they will cry out for him and he will be there. We will all learn what its like to mourn the dead and how to dread the future.

Are you ready? Are you prepared?
Are you happy? Be scared.
It wont take long. It wont be long.
It will be fast. It will last.
You will be there until the future becomes the past.

The chemicals between us...

You are young and you are trapped in your own misery. You are the kind of person who still thinks the world can be saved. You cant admit that to me because you, like me, know that its a wasted thing to believe in but you, unlike me, have yet to accept it. You know that people suck and despite your attempts to shake them awake they don't seem to come out of their coma. You want things to get better and right now at this point in your life your not ready to hit the bottom. You will keep going until you finally get so exhausted from your lone savior like battle you give up.
You stop caring about anything and everything and just move through your days a zombie. No not a ghoul like all the rest, you are damned to a much worse fate then the masses. Your undead by your own choosing and your awake to suffer through each grueling moment. You don't have your ignorance shield and thick armor of perpetuated lies to protect you any more.
 You don't want to be this bitter but your a holder of the truth and the price of knowledge is eternal unrest in your questionless existence. Sure have some questions but those are the ones that don't need to be answered to see the whole picture. You have enough of the tapestry to make you sick with fear and loathing at your own foolishness. How dare you keep looking for the truth to your existence! Your are destined to toil your life away in social monotonany until you die. Why was that not good enough? Why did you have to keep searching for the Holy Grail, Atlantis, The land of Mu, El Dorado, Aliens, The body of Jesus, the end of Pi? No you just kept going until you came to this point right now. The point that your eyes are truly opened and you see your not alone.  There are only a handful of others who see things like you do but you not alone. They all say the same thing, don't rock the boat all it does is throws others over who cant swim. The end is near, we will all get to sleep that truly rests the body and frees the soul.

Why are you so special...

I was noticing that there seems to be an inequality in emotional expression among the genders. A woman has a hard day and she gets sympathy or extra slack on her behavior because she is a woman. If I have a hard day and I express it in some emotional outburst I get all kinds of shit.
Why is it that I an not allowed to break apart and she is? I have days where all I want to do is cry and o have others where I want to put a bullet in the head of every panda that wont fuck to save its species. I just hate sometimes and that's me as a man. How many women can handle that? I would like to count them cause I am going to say I could use both my hands and still have one to drink a Pepsi. Not only do I think that on some level are they weaker but they are also ill-equipped to handle the full spectrum of a real man. Take a strong willed woman and pair her up with any real man and he will more then likely be able to withstand her ups and her downs and most of her emotional quips and stupidities. A real woman put into a similar situation will more then likely be crushed by the intensity of the raw emotions of a real man.
Let me say that the majority of both genders are neither real at their core nor are they going to have the courage to show it if they are. What I feel I am more addressing is not a gender inequality but more a human fault. Those who are real know what I am talking about and those who are not will only see the surface misogynist argument that can be made. I don't want to hear from you if you are one of those people. You are not real and have yet to take your first breath as an adult. Those who see this as more a problem with humans in general will understand that you just cannot be real sometimes. People cannot handle the depth to your every word and cannot venture down the dark corridors of your mind without going mad. You know this because talking to the "Average Joe" is akin to inadvertently feeding a newborn baby a steak sandwich. It doesn't work. They love the taste of what your saying but they just cannot digest it. They attempt to consume it in front of you and then they spit it back out as "just too much" in the end. Realists have all at least once lead someone who is just too immature introspectively down the path of self realization only to watch them fall apart in the end and go back to their ignorant ways. Ignorance is bliss but its not an excuse.

What carries me...

In life we all encounter situations where we need to carry our selves through. Most of us can skate by the day to day without ever thinking. Every once in a great while you encounter a situation where you need to rely on your body or your mind to carry you. An 90 hour work week or 50 hours of grilling tests to get our senior year of college out of the way. You either depend on a body carved out of stone by genetics or a mind hardened like a diamond by an even sharper motivator, will power.
 There was a very long time in my life where all I relied on was my body. I had not idea what else to rely on and if I was not forced to I did not rely on my mind. The at around the age of 13 I spent 36 hours with food poisoning in a Forrest preserve and no food or water. I was so sick I could have died, by the time I got home I was dehydrated and just an all out mess. I had to use all my will power to get through this little survival training because my body was rendered useless. I had to push my self to and extent that up until that age I did not know what was possible. I did not know at that time but that would mark the beginning of a long road to mental hardening that would end in BUD/S basic underwater demolition/seal training in Coronado California at the age of 19.
I developed a sense of confidence in my self through those years that would turn me into someone who knew I could do anything if I only preservered. When the day comes that I learn why I have been made into what I am I pray that I am ready for that finale task.

Follow the leader...

I think I have touched on this subject in previous posts but then again maybe not. A leader, a really good leader, will not volunteer to lead before they are nominated. If you are born in the flesh dyed in the wool natural leader, you are more then likely going to know it and avoid it. You know that to be a truly good leader, the kind people will follow into hell knowing that they might die at your whim or on your bad decision. That is the greatest burden in the whole world to carry. I have found one man I would follow into the depth of the abyss and know that if he did not get me out alive or never got me out at all it was for a reason much bigger them me. I know that because that person is my brother and my life is more valuable to him then his own. Every decision he makes he considers others first and he would not lead them somewhere he could not get them back from. If he brought me somewhere and overestimated his own skills, he would not cut his losses and leave me behind he would die right next to me. With every breath air, every drop of blood and every ounce of courage he would fight for me. He understands the silent vow to lead is to never let men pay for your own stupidity. A leader is a servant of the lowest and most humble order. A leader meets the needs of his men long before he indulges himself and his own needs. A leader is selfless and under control in any circumstance. Bravery, courage, guts, glory? You will never hear a true leader speak of these thing unless speaking of his men. A leader does not lead for those things. A true leader will speak of duty, loyalty, discipline, strength, love, compassion and guilt. Its his duty to lead because he know he can ensure safety to the highest degree. He is always loyal to his people and they are to him. He has the utmost discipline because it mandates organization and without discipline a man is still a boy. He preservers in strength of both body and mind. The mind is no use in a broken body and the largest of giants still follow the wisest of men. Love and compassion for friend and foe alike. Without love and compassion a great leader is but the head of a pack of rabid animals. Guilt is on the heart of every great leader because he loves those he leads and knows he is human and flawed by nature. One day he will fail and those who follow will pay the price for his flaw. He knows this when he steps to the position of leader and he prays for the blow of his own flaw to be only on his own head. That is my brother, he understands his duality and knows himself. He is my fallen hero and I will always be at his side. From my birth to my death, in front or behind but always by your side untill the day I die.

Dear consumer...

In a response to something I posted on July 12 which evolved in to a conversation in one fashion or another. It can be found in the comments section of that post.
I am not sure if it was to elicit a reaction out of me or something else all together. I guess you could say that me posting about it is a reaction but it was a good statement so I must. I just write what ever I want to and I do contradict my self at times but we all contradict ourselves at one point or another in our own minds. The flaws in what I have to say are not important so try to focus through my own clouded mind for a moment because that's what you get when you read my blog. You get my mind raw, flawed and real.
I know me and being who I am is all that I have ever been really good at. I don't express my good side to anyone because being good makes you a target.
I am a good person to a degree that most others on this planet cannot comprehend and if they can they will not believe it. That's how good I am. I am naturally a person who cannot stand to see injustice and cannot see the good in harming another. I know what unconditional love is and I have always given it. I know what its like to starve and I have looked into the eyes of a dying man and said my goodbye to the music of his last breath. I know the wisdom of age and the exuberance of youth. I hate to lie but I know that there are times where it can be justified, not right only justified. I am true to me and what I believe and I am loyal to those I love. I am not blinded by the farce of feelings but I am not ignorant to the thing that makes me human. I speak of my darker side because that's what most people want to read about. I hope that the more that read this site the more they will try to learn from me. No I don't want to lead I want to set a failed example of the perfect template so that others can try also. I am such a good person that writing this reminds me of how much I hurt inside for others. I am such a bad person that the only thing I can think of some days is that I will pay for what I have done. I am such a bad person that when the paradime shifts and swings the other way I pray that my good will have outweighed my bad. I am such a bad person that I doubt that I could correct the things I have set wrong if I was given another life. I am such a contradiction wrapped in this flesh that I beg for a forgiveness that I know I don't deserve. I had a point I wanted to make but I forgot it already so I am going to end here.

The pig and the truffle...

If no one knew I am going to explain what a truffle is. A truffle is a root that is very soft and has a very unique taste. Truffles are very difficult to find without a very very sharp nose. In the middle ages rather then train a Dog for years to find them small pigs were used because without training a pig could find a truffle quickly. Truffles were hard to eat raw so they were diced and covered in chocolate and served as a desert. I feel like the pig. You see I am more of a source finder for my brother who is more the culinary expert. I give him information that to me is difficult to swallow and he refines it and dices it up into small pieces for me to eat. He is very good at refining the truth and I am very good at finding truth. I love him for this cause I hate to have to sift through the truth for hours just to make head or tails of something that I am pretty sure will add up to no more then a small tidbit of fun. Him on the other hand, he must know what is true and what is not and he will search an entire pathetic site to ensure he has not missed a single fact.

# 1

I could detail my life from shortly after I was born till the day I know I am going to die. I wont cause that would bore everyone to death with the exception of the random highlight and comical interlude. So I am going to attempt to just document the really good bad and sexual parts of my life. You all will find it more interesting.


What was her name? The first girl that I can remember having sex with was Linae. I say that I can remember because I am fairly certain there almost 25 women before her that I only have drunken snips of memories from each. What happens in Mexico stays there right? More on this subject tomorrow. My woman giving me a huge headache.

How much?

How much do you love me? Do you love me enough to wave hello or maybe to say goodbye and shed a tear? Do you care for me enough to listen to me or even pick me up if I fall? Would you donate blood to me if I was dieing? How about bone marrow? Would you give me half your liver or a kidney even if mine was destroyed from drugs and alcohol? Would you take a bullet for me? How about a dull spear? Would you leave your family and friends forever and travel with me to a place you have never been and will never come back from? Would you give up everything all in three seconds and trust my judgment to guide us, my skills to provide for us, my strength to protect us and my faith to keep us in the grace of the living God? I didn't think so, I wouldn't either.

What I wear...

I am wearing the flesh of someone else. I have decided that who ever or what ever I am is not defined by the way I look or what dies when I am stabbed to death in Detroit. I am wearing the flesh of my father but I have the remains of 10,000 men lurking inside of me. I feel like I have a giant sleeping inside of me. Just waiting to wake up and do what ever its intended to do. I look in the mirror and I do not see me I see what I am wearing. I feel like some dressed my soul in meat and has been trying to control it. I am slowly sniping the the strings of the marionette and being give control and I feel excited and dragged down by it. I imagine this is how a rat would feel if it was put into a race in a maze with 5 billion other rats and one was selected and given a way to walk through the walls that hold all the rest. The only catch is, that rat has to finish the race from beginning to end. Think about that for as long as it takes to get what I am trying to say. Everything I have wanted are things I feel like I have already had before. I have no real desires other then the passions to find out what is going on inside. Everyone is someone else's entertainment. Who am I amusing?