Scars

I tear my heart open,
I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

There is no end to war...

To the idiots who think war is bad. Every major conflict in the historyof the known world was solved by violence and war. From the Native Americans to the early Sumerians. That is the nature of your species and you cannot change it. All you can do is hope your side wins and shut the fuck up. If your not fighting then you have no place to complain and the ammendment that gives you the right to talk shit about war and those who fight in it is wasted on you. Those who die out there in a place you only know through CNN and CSPAN without their families or friends their blood is wasted on protecting you. You dont deserve their sacerfice and if you dont like it then go fuck off somewhere else. War is everywhere and it will never end unless you go and fight it.
"Only the dead have seen the end of war"
"This is war and in war you do not fight for your own life but for the death of your enemy"

What moves you to think?

This made me think. I like it because I believe I can forgive anything give the chance and the time to recover from what ever it is that needs forgiveness.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” — Mohandas Gandhi

Where is the strength.

Pulling my halo down, I should be medicated.
There is a certain amount of destruction in my behavior that has over the years evolved into an art form and almost a dance with my own mortality. I hate me and I am so in love with me. That is my duality. I hate myself so I attack others with a visciousness that is unmatched to this day by anyone I know. The reason is I dont like to leave marks on peoples skin I would rather leave a burned memory in their mind. A smell that reminds them of me and makes them cry. A sound that will forever make their skin crawl or make them jump to the ceiling. Its that side of me that craves power that is this way. That is the me in business and in dealings with those foolish enough to cross me. I dont hold grudges I just seek revenge. I like justice and I enjoy dispensing my own sort when I see it convenient. Its not done out of hate for the person but rather out of a desire to set a record straight or a wrong made right. That me very few see and those who do will never speak of it for fear of their life. You know who you are and I will kill you if you try to play your games with me again. Doubt me watch my eyes when I am not watching you. They are not the eyes of a lover naturally. I am a predator, flesh and bone but I am a lover by choice. I have very little humanity left. This all kinda makes me uncomfortable around people. If I am in a large crowd for too long and too many people are talking to me watch my eyes again and you will be able to hear me screaming with rage.
The other side wants a family and a child or two or ten and maybe even a few dogs. I am capable of so much love it hurts not to let it out. I only wish there was a balance between the two worlds. I dont know but I am at a crossroads and if I dont act soon this will pass me by. I do love this girl but I need to dull my edge and kill the beast. I am afriad to do that because that will only make me more of a liability when the days turn to night and the nights are thick with the smoke of the burning dead. When heaven walks on earth and hell comes to claim its own there are those warriors who are ordained to protect the innocent and escort pure of heart to safety.

Enough By Gravity Kills

I am not sure how I feel but I think it might be described as manic or maybe depressive who cares. Everyone puts song lyrics up so I decided to put some that I like.


I love the thill, I love the scene.
Imagine you in the white light,
So beautiful, you watch me bleed
You're stabbing me from inside me now,
Kneel down and tell meabout your world,
Tell me something that I don't know
You know nothing about the world around you.

It's not enough broken in two
It's not enough speaking the truth
It's not enough watching me bleed
It's not enough torn in between It's not enough
I'm watching you distorted view
So beautiful in the white light

It's make believe, all that you see
It's haunting you from inside now
Kneel down and tell me about your world
Show me something inside your world
You know nothing about the world around you

It's not enough broken in two
It's not enough speaking the truth
It's not enough watching me bleed
It's not enough torn in between
It's not enough

Sometimes in me, you are the seed, A dying need in the white light.
The simple truth, it speaks to me.
It's screaming out from inside now.
Kneel down and tell me about your world
Tell me something that I don't know
You know nothing about the world around you

It's not enough broken in two
It's not enough speaking the truth
It's not enough watching me bleed
It's not enough torn in between
It's not enough broken in two
It's not enough speaking the truth
It's not enough watching me bleed
It's not enough torn in between
It's not enough

--"Time means nothing when you have nothing to lose."
Gravity Kills

My little death...

With a grain of sand or salt? Maybe if I chew it apart then I could understand the meaning in mangled bites. There is so much I could say but it might take me too long. Its 0245 as I start to write this post. Does my geographical placement dictate where I am? I have too much running thorough my head. I die a little when I hear your voice and then have to say goodbye. I don't know anything.
There is a place in my mind where nothing can touch me. There I feel nothing for anyone and I cannot ever be hurt. In that place fire sits frozen on top of candles and ice melts to steam in a heart beat. Sand is turned to glass and windows turn to dust. Diamonds shatter from the pressure in that place. There is no poetry or music not beauty or sunshine its a void. Being in that place is like being in a sarcophagus fashioned from time its self and set at the bottom of the ocean. Its lonely there and very uncomfortable but I find my self going there at the strangest times and I think for some reason I am trying to get comfortable in the last place I should ever want to be. In that place the thing I find I don't have here is humanity. There is no sound to disturb my blissful silence. I cannot hear the water around me. There is no steady drone of a heart with a hole in it. The pathetic wheezing of lungs that are too small is strangely absent. I don't hear the buzz of a nervous system that is damaged from knees to toes and fingers to elbows. I am flawless in this place where no one resides, not even me. I think that it is possible to give up in this place and never return back to reality. To walk among the living a drone of what ever though graces the chunks of meat inside that bone case on my shoulders. Peering out of my eyes like some commander on a submarine deep beneath the surface seeking another target. That place when I write about from here seem like the kind of place I should give up on and never go back.
If someone has ever looked into your eyes and cried because of what they saw you and I might be the same
If you have broken all the Noahide laws before you felt the stain of humanity you and I might be able to talk
If your own heart beat makes you sick with its whining tap against your rib cage you and I might think alike
If you have ever wished your body looked as decrepit as your soul feels you might be in a place I once was
If you have such intense rage that it can change the temperature of a room then maybe we should compare notes
I am in this alone aren't I

strange daze...

I had a good post and it got deleted. Just know that silence is truth and to deny your own thoughts is a crime greater them most can understand. Becareful what you allow to flow into your head.

Where is the love?

I am laughing right now because I have not Posted here in some time. I had an interlude of pain and I wanted to make sure that I enjoyed every moment of it. Yes I know that is a little bit screwy but its the only thing that I know ensures I am alive. As much as in the moment of my pain I dont want to be there I love the aftermath. Like a typhoon of clensing emotion the pain is somthing that always leaves nothing behind but the landscape of my heart. When I build my poor structures on the sand that was my way of loving that typhoon was Gods way of cleaning the scene. Yeah I know to say that God would do somthing to me that at the moment feels like someone poured boiling battery acid in my veins is a bit sadistic but its my comparison not yours. Its a very head clearing thing that I cannot hate and I think if it happens again I am going to make it my new addiction. I wonder if I am stable yet? I will more then likly cry my self to sleep tonight cause I think I am out of the woods. We will see.

I am angry at you

I am angry at you today. More then I have been in the last few weeks. You were an emotional crutch for me in as much a way as I was for you. It was not healthy I know but it was great. Then you left and I am stuck to deal with all my own demons. I hate you so much for tonight. You know how I feel when I am around my family and how hard it is for me to spend hours with them and you weren't there. I spent hours with people who I love and cannot seem to spend too much time with. I guess I mistrust them like you mistrust your family. This hurts so fucking much I want to punch you for it. I would never hurt you. I am so sick of being me, anyone want to trade.

nothing

Nothing

I had some audio here but I did not like it so I got rid of it. It was about the loony girls that I have a problem entrusting with my heart and cant help but watchin them kick my ass emotionaly. I am a Pussy.

Not enough...

You ever wonder why the stupid masses are so up in arms about farinhight 911? Why they all call it an unamerican film and that Michael Moore is an ass and he is democratic and blah blah blah. I saw that movie and I will confirm that its biased and anti-bush. What its not is an argument. That is what I found amusing about that film. He only presents facts and personal accounts from real Americans. What he does not do, at least to me, is try to convince you of his point. The movie speaks for its self. The first 45 minutes are just unbelievable but true. You can choose to accept them or remain ignorant of the facts. Pretty funny that Michael Moore is now running with two very highly paid security guards from national security. Fear for his life? I am sure he does but then again do you think it was worth it to him? Would speaking the truth be worth that much to you? Would you stand up for what you believe is right if you knew it would put your neck on the chopping block of the biggest corporation in the world? Money is power and no one has more money then the U.S. Government. Deficit? Well that only mean that they owe money to others. The amount doesn't really matter cause as long as you keep working and spending they will essentially keep taking out a loan on your blood sweat and tears. You blue collar workers and all you middle America schmucks busting your ass just to  make ends meat are only living breathing capital. You and your children and your grandchildren and every generation that you may be dumb enough to sire. Good luck in your free America, you are only free in your mind.

Don't speak...

Just an FYI...

don't say what you do not mean.
don't make a threat unless you can make it a reality.
don't don't complain unless you have a solution.
don't talk unless you ask your self this question: If this was being said to me would I listen?

No rest for the wicked....

I am sorry for not posting in a few days. I have to be motivated to post and seeing as how I am at work again I think I will post.

there is no rest for the wicked...There is no rest...For the wicked...No rest...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
I have promises to keep
my legs are tired I feel so weak
Miles to go before I sleep

For a long time while I was away I heard this repeated over and over in my mind. Maybe it was my subconscious or maybe something else whispering in my ear for five years without cease. Does anyone know how maddening that is? At that time in my life was was a despicable human being.  Abusing my self and others around me as a penance for my transgressions was not enough. At night when I was ready to fall asleep all the acts of the previous days came rushing back to me and I could not sleep. Always the demon of my other side would mock me until after weeks of not sleeping I would get medication and vodka and that would do the trick. 

I have a new broken record that keeps playing in my mind as of late and its almost as maddening.

Are you ready? Are you prepared?
Are you happy? Be scared.
It wont take long. It wont be long.
It will be fast. It will last.
You will be there until the future becomes the past.

Do you know that I find that slightly comforting? No I don't like thinking into that too far I just like to be comfortable and that's all. You could cut all the skin from my body as long as you don't make me uncomfortable. Ever had to bury someone with your own hands? I haven't either but I think one day I may have to learn. I don't know what will do it but I know that one day I will cry so hard I will break for the last time. I know I will be pushed to my limits in such a way that I will not recover I will just keep moving forward a broken man. I don't know what will separate her and I but I feel that the minute she is out of my "Protection" it will happen and I will not be able to save her. I can hear the screams of the future sometimes if I listen for them. Ever thought that the weeping of the past if, done hard enough, can ring forward to the future. Ever thought that the future is already written and sometimes what people think are ghost of the past may be warnings from the future? I know cause I can taste my own blood when I have not been cut and I can hear the cries of my brothers all around me. When men weep for their wives and lament the days they were born. When they cry to a God they don't know and have never spoken to before for vengeance. When they have lost everything but the need to believe in something they will cry out for him and he will be there. We will all learn what its like to mourn the dead and how to dread the future.

Are you ready? Are you prepared?
Are you happy? Be scared.
It wont take long. It wont be long.
It will be fast. It will last.
You will be there until the future becomes the past.

The chemicals between us...

You are young and you are trapped in your own misery. You are the kind of person who still thinks the world can be saved. You cant admit that to me because you, like me, know that its a wasted thing to believe in but you, unlike me, have yet to accept it. You know that people suck and despite your attempts to shake them awake they don't seem to come out of their coma. You want things to get better and right now at this point in your life your not ready to hit the bottom. You will keep going until you finally get so exhausted from your lone savior like battle you give up.
You stop caring about anything and everything and just move through your days a zombie. No not a ghoul like all the rest, you are damned to a much worse fate then the masses. Your undead by your own choosing and your awake to suffer through each grueling moment. You don't have your ignorance shield and thick armor of perpetuated lies to protect you any more.
 You don't want to be this bitter but your a holder of the truth and the price of knowledge is eternal unrest in your questionless existence. Sure have some questions but those are the ones that don't need to be answered to see the whole picture. You have enough of the tapestry to make you sick with fear and loathing at your own foolishness. How dare you keep looking for the truth to your existence! Your are destined to toil your life away in social monotonany until you die. Why was that not good enough? Why did you have to keep searching for the Holy Grail, Atlantis, The land of Mu, El Dorado, Aliens, The body of Jesus, the end of Pi? No you just kept going until you came to this point right now. The point that your eyes are truly opened and you see your not alone.  There are only a handful of others who see things like you do but you not alone. They all say the same thing, don't rock the boat all it does is throws others over who cant swim. The end is near, we will all get to sleep that truly rests the body and frees the soul.

Why are you so special...

I was noticing that there seems to be an inequality in emotional expression among the genders. A woman has a hard day and she gets sympathy or extra slack on her behavior because she is a woman. If I have a hard day and I express it in some emotional outburst I get all kinds of shit.
Why is it that I an not allowed to break apart and she is? I have days where all I want to do is cry and o have others where I want to put a bullet in the head of every panda that wont fuck to save its species. I just hate sometimes and that's me as a man. How many women can handle that? I would like to count them cause I am going to say I could use both my hands and still have one to drink a Pepsi. Not only do I think that on some level are they weaker but they are also ill-equipped to handle the full spectrum of a real man. Take a strong willed woman and pair her up with any real man and he will more then likely be able to withstand her ups and her downs and most of her emotional quips and stupidities. A real woman put into a similar situation will more then likely be crushed by the intensity of the raw emotions of a real man.
Let me say that the majority of both genders are neither real at their core nor are they going to have the courage to show it if they are. What I feel I am more addressing is not a gender inequality but more a human fault. Those who are real know what I am talking about and those who are not will only see the surface misogynist argument that can be made. I don't want to hear from you if you are one of those people. You are not real and have yet to take your first breath as an adult. Those who see this as more a problem with humans in general will understand that you just cannot be real sometimes. People cannot handle the depth to your every word and cannot venture down the dark corridors of your mind without going mad. You know this because talking to the "Average Joe" is akin to inadvertently feeding a newborn baby a steak sandwich. It doesn't work. They love the taste of what your saying but they just cannot digest it. They attempt to consume it in front of you and then they spit it back out as "just too much" in the end. Realists have all at least once lead someone who is just too immature introspectively down the path of self realization only to watch them fall apart in the end and go back to their ignorant ways. Ignorance is bliss but its not an excuse.

What carries me...

In life we all encounter situations where we need to carry our selves through. Most of us can skate by the day to day without ever thinking. Every once in a great while you encounter a situation where you need to rely on your body or your mind to carry you. An 90 hour work week or 50 hours of grilling tests to get our senior year of college out of the way. You either depend on a body carved out of stone by genetics or a mind hardened like a diamond by an even sharper motivator, will power.
 There was a very long time in my life where all I relied on was my body. I had not idea what else to rely on and if I was not forced to I did not rely on my mind. The at around the age of 13 I spent 36 hours with food poisoning in a Forrest preserve and no food or water. I was so sick I could have died, by the time I got home I was dehydrated and just an all out mess. I had to use all my will power to get through this little survival training because my body was rendered useless. I had to push my self to and extent that up until that age I did not know what was possible. I did not know at that time but that would mark the beginning of a long road to mental hardening that would end in BUD/S basic underwater demolition/seal training in Coronado California at the age of 19.
I developed a sense of confidence in my self through those years that would turn me into someone who knew I could do anything if I only preservered. When the day comes that I learn why I have been made into what I am I pray that I am ready for that finale task.

Follow the leader...

I think I have touched on this subject in previous posts but then again maybe not. A leader, a really good leader, will not volunteer to lead before they are nominated. If you are born in the flesh dyed in the wool natural leader, you are more then likely going to know it and avoid it. You know that to be a truly good leader, the kind people will follow into hell knowing that they might die at your whim or on your bad decision. That is the greatest burden in the whole world to carry. I have found one man I would follow into the depth of the abyss and know that if he did not get me out alive or never got me out at all it was for a reason much bigger them me. I know that because that person is my brother and my life is more valuable to him then his own. Every decision he makes he considers others first and he would not lead them somewhere he could not get them back from. If he brought me somewhere and overestimated his own skills, he would not cut his losses and leave me behind he would die right next to me. With every breath air, every drop of blood and every ounce of courage he would fight for me. He understands the silent vow to lead is to never let men pay for your own stupidity. A leader is a servant of the lowest and most humble order. A leader meets the needs of his men long before he indulges himself and his own needs. A leader is selfless and under control in any circumstance. Bravery, courage, guts, glory? You will never hear a true leader speak of these thing unless speaking of his men. A leader does not lead for those things. A true leader will speak of duty, loyalty, discipline, strength, love, compassion and guilt. Its his duty to lead because he know he can ensure safety to the highest degree. He is always loyal to his people and they are to him. He has the utmost discipline because it mandates organization and without discipline a man is still a boy. He preservers in strength of both body and mind. The mind is no use in a broken body and the largest of giants still follow the wisest of men. Love and compassion for friend and foe alike. Without love and compassion a great leader is but the head of a pack of rabid animals. Guilt is on the heart of every great leader because he loves those he leads and knows he is human and flawed by nature. One day he will fail and those who follow will pay the price for his flaw. He knows this when he steps to the position of leader and he prays for the blow of his own flaw to be only on his own head. That is my brother, he understands his duality and knows himself. He is my fallen hero and I will always be at his side. From my birth to my death, in front or behind but always by your side untill the day I die.

Dear consumer...

In a response to something I posted on July 12 which evolved in to a conversation in one fashion or another. It can be found in the comments section of that post.
I am not sure if it was to elicit a reaction out of me or something else all together. I guess you could say that me posting about it is a reaction but it was a good statement so I must. I just write what ever I want to and I do contradict my self at times but we all contradict ourselves at one point or another in our own minds. The flaws in what I have to say are not important so try to focus through my own clouded mind for a moment because that's what you get when you read my blog. You get my mind raw, flawed and real.
I know me and being who I am is all that I have ever been really good at. I don't express my good side to anyone because being good makes you a target.
I am a good person to a degree that most others on this planet cannot comprehend and if they can they will not believe it. That's how good I am. I am naturally a person who cannot stand to see injustice and cannot see the good in harming another. I know what unconditional love is and I have always given it. I know what its like to starve and I have looked into the eyes of a dying man and said my goodbye to the music of his last breath. I know the wisdom of age and the exuberance of youth. I hate to lie but I know that there are times where it can be justified, not right only justified. I am true to me and what I believe and I am loyal to those I love. I am not blinded by the farce of feelings but I am not ignorant to the thing that makes me human. I speak of my darker side because that's what most people want to read about. I hope that the more that read this site the more they will try to learn from me. No I don't want to lead I want to set a failed example of the perfect template so that others can try also. I am such a good person that writing this reminds me of how much I hurt inside for others. I am such a bad person that the only thing I can think of some days is that I will pay for what I have done. I am such a bad person that when the paradime shifts and swings the other way I pray that my good will have outweighed my bad. I am such a bad person that I doubt that I could correct the things I have set wrong if I was given another life. I am such a contradiction wrapped in this flesh that I beg for a forgiveness that I know I don't deserve. I had a point I wanted to make but I forgot it already so I am going to end here.

The pig and the truffle...

If no one knew I am going to explain what a truffle is. A truffle is a root that is very soft and has a very unique taste. Truffles are very difficult to find without a very very sharp nose. In the middle ages rather then train a Dog for years to find them small pigs were used because without training a pig could find a truffle quickly. Truffles were hard to eat raw so they were diced and covered in chocolate and served as a desert. I feel like the pig. You see I am more of a source finder for my brother who is more the culinary expert. I give him information that to me is difficult to swallow and he refines it and dices it up into small pieces for me to eat. He is very good at refining the truth and I am very good at finding truth. I love him for this cause I hate to have to sift through the truth for hours just to make head or tails of something that I am pretty sure will add up to no more then a small tidbit of fun. Him on the other hand, he must know what is true and what is not and he will search an entire pathetic site to ensure he has not missed a single fact.

# 1

I could detail my life from shortly after I was born till the day I know I am going to die. I wont cause that would bore everyone to death with the exception of the random highlight and comical interlude. So I am going to attempt to just document the really good bad and sexual parts of my life. You all will find it more interesting.


What was her name? The first girl that I can remember having sex with was Linae. I say that I can remember because I am fairly certain there almost 25 women before her that I only have drunken snips of memories from each. What happens in Mexico stays there right? More on this subject tomorrow. My woman giving me a huge headache.

How much?

How much do you love me? Do you love me enough to wave hello or maybe to say goodbye and shed a tear? Do you care for me enough to listen to me or even pick me up if I fall? Would you donate blood to me if I was dieing? How about bone marrow? Would you give me half your liver or a kidney even if mine was destroyed from drugs and alcohol? Would you take a bullet for me? How about a dull spear? Would you leave your family and friends forever and travel with me to a place you have never been and will never come back from? Would you give up everything all in three seconds and trust my judgment to guide us, my skills to provide for us, my strength to protect us and my faith to keep us in the grace of the living God? I didn't think so, I wouldn't either.

What I wear...

I am wearing the flesh of someone else. I have decided that who ever or what ever I am is not defined by the way I look or what dies when I am stabbed to death in Detroit. I am wearing the flesh of my father but I have the remains of 10,000 men lurking inside of me. I feel like I have a giant sleeping inside of me. Just waiting to wake up and do what ever its intended to do. I look in the mirror and I do not see me I see what I am wearing. I feel like some dressed my soul in meat and has been trying to control it. I am slowly sniping the the strings of the marionette and being give control and I feel excited and dragged down by it. I imagine this is how a rat would feel if it was put into a race in a maze with 5 billion other rats and one was selected and given a way to walk through the walls that hold all the rest. The only catch is, that rat has to finish the race from beginning to end. Think about that for as long as it takes to get what I am trying to say. Everything I have wanted are things I feel like I have already had before. I have no real desires other then the passions to find out what is going on inside. Everyone is someone else's entertainment. Who am I amusing?

More jibber...

so, yeah what ever...

A gateway drug...

I recently heard that they do not legalize marijuana because its a "gateway drug" to harder more dangerous drugs. I have smoked "pot" done many other drugs in my life and I can safely say that a gateway drug is a bullshit statement. Keep in mind that drug abuse/addiction is really just a symptom of a much larger sickness, a concrete manifestation of the darkest psychic depths. I have delved into the depths of why I started and stopped any and all drugs and they built on themselves only because I was searching for something that no one else around me could provide. An escape from my reality. Anyone who advocates legalizing marijuana is about as smart as those trying to keep it illegal. I am not going to get into this cause its all starting to bother me.

A borrowed but true statement...

As for me I will have a bit of self loathing with a side of internal anguish. As I have said before I was in the military and with that you should assume I have issues. I say this to the common reader as a warning. I am blessed with a crippling self-awareness which alternately permits me flights of cathartic expression, and when directed inward, horrific self-abuse. Most of what I say on this blog is because if I do not direct some of it outward I would kill my self. I am overwhelmed and this blog is less then a journal and more of an emergency outlet valve. I am slowly killing my self by being me and this is what I have to stay alive for now. Its a pathetic outlet as far as outlets go. I am insane. Don't listen to me if it helps you keep the voices quiet. Don't watch me if your worried what I am going to do next. Make sure you keep reading though so you can keep tasting a reality that you will never have. Deny that your as crazy as I am because lying to yourself will make you emotionally numb. In the end you will also go to sleep with or without someone and still feel unfulfilled. You are not saying enough or maybe your saying too much that is not true. Ninety-nine percent of you are still not asking enough questions. If you really learn to hate yourself then your taking one step in the right direction.

Its all happening...

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift; that's
why they call it "the present".


I liked that Quote so much this morning I stole it from another blog and placed it in my own. Its the truth and if everyone thought about today as what it is then maybe people would be worth saving.


I posted last night at 2323:43 and shortly there after I felt a small earth rattling quake at around 0110 and it was pretty scary for me. I could not sleep for the life of me and now with more and more frequency my visions and dreams are happening. Its not that they never happen but they are usually very far off and nothing I should have to pay attention to. Looks like the days of far off prophecy are coming to an end. Oh you don't believe me? Here is the article.


By F.N. D'ALESSIO
Associated Press Writer
Published June 28, 2004, 10:12 AM CDT

CHICAGO -- A brief earthquake struck the Midwest early Monday, rattling windows and awakening sleeping residents from Wisconsin south to Missouri and from southwestern Michigan west to Iowa.

No injuries were reported from the quake, which occurred about 1:11 a.m. CDT.

Brian Lassige, a geophysicist with the U.S. Geological Survey in Colorado, said the quake was magnitude 4.5, and its epicenter was about eight miles northwest of Ottawa in northern Illinois, close to the small village of Troy Grove. The rural area is about 70 miles west of Chicago.

Lassige said earthquakes in that area are rare, but have occurred before. He said quakes have been recorded there in 1881, 1912 and 1972. Survey said the three-second quake occurred at a depth of 3.1 miles in a structure associated with the Sandwich Fault Zone. It was not connected with the New Madrid Fault further south, which has been responsible for the Midwest's most serious earthquakes.

Initial reports indicated no major damage from the trembler, although police agencies and radio stations within the quake area were inundated with telephone calls.

``It was mayhem around here for a while,'' said Pattie Burke, a dispatcher for the Ottawa Police. ``We had more than 200 calls from residents in a short period of time, all of them wanting to know what had happened. A lot of them seemed to think a truck had crashed into their house.

``Here in the station, it felt like an aircraft was about to crash right here. The quake was felt at three nuclear power plants in Illinois: Quad Cities, LaSalle and Dresden.

Craig Nesbit, a spokesman for the Exon Corp., which owns the three generating stations, said the Nuclear Regulatory Commission declared an ``unusual alert'' for all of them, although there appeared to be no damage.

``All of them were operating 100 percent, and no problems were reported, but we did a check of all safety systems,'' Nesbit said.

Nesbit said the three stations supply electrical power for several million Illinois residents.

Reports of the shaking came from at least as far east as Valparaiso, Ind., and as far west as the Quad Cities, and from Wisconsin in the north to the St. Louis area in the south.

Gary Spaulding of Marseilles, Ill., said he was relaxing in his mobile home when the quake struck.

``It was like somebody shot off dynamite,'' said Spaulding, who added that his cat leaped out of his lap and would still not come near him two hours later.

``I thought maybe a tree hit my trailer,'' Spaulding said. ``I've got a dead tree in my yard.''

Jeff Biesemeier of Freeport, Ill., said his whole house ``was just vibrating.''

Joe Knapp of Delafield, Wis., just west of Milwaukee, said he was asleep and awoke when the bed began shaking. ``Everything was just rolling back and forth,'' Knapp said.


Any doubters out there give me a week and I am sure there will be more to come. To me the most annoying thing is the fact that I was looking hard for the metaphysical meaning and it was literal. Hindsight is always 20\20 aint it. I guess that knowing the future does no one any good unless you can interpret it.

Another one bites the dust...

This weekend was not too bad but it was not what I hoped for. They never are anymore. My weekends now amount to the about the same thing as and orgasm for a 90 year old man. Just not how you remember it. Oh don't get me wrong I could make them great but my own morality holds me from doing that. Most of you are saying in your head that I should be able to have a great weekend without getting out of hand. That is not possible for me. I have tasted the fruits of an out of control weekend and I have also enjoyed the months that were the same and once you have had it all else just does not add up. The right group of people and you could turn confession into something worth sending out invitations too. Its all about the people. I no longer hang around a group of people that I can trust and a really shitty situation. All I have is me, my brother, and my best friend. Does anyone know how much shit you can get into when you go out to have the kind of good time I am looking for with only two people? Lets just say that its not worth the dental work in the long run. Memorable but not worth the recovery time. Now if you go out with six or maybe seven people then things can look pretty good and be long worth the trouble. Not two. Never. Two people and one being married is just a combination for trouble.


I keep having this dream that I am in a house where everything around me is shaking like an earthquake. When I first had the dream things were not shaking at all but now every time I have this dream things are shaking worse and worse. When I wake up from it I am nauseated to the point I want to be sick. Just weird. Ever felt like you mind is living in another place when you go to sleep and when you wake up its gibbering on trying to tell you all that it did while you were resting? Yeah I think that anyone who reads this should do me a favor and get me some help. I think I am losing my fucking mind. I want to seek help for my delusions and my fears but I don't think there is help out there for me.

Al Pacino in the Devils Advocate on GOD...

The major reason I am putting this sound byte on here is because I really enjoyed that movie. It has a lot of truth and its a very unique perspective on the devil and God. Anything can be twisted to seem like truth if you have enough practice at telling lies.



The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe he was not real. Imagine a world where the "devil" or supreme evil is not a myth but a cognitive that people actually know and have seen doing his/her evil things. If everything we believe to be fake or myth was suddenly made real or proven true how would that alter your life? If you atheist and you stand firm on the fact that your life is your own and you control your own fate how would you feel if someone could prove God? What if your life revolves around church and Jesus and he came back and told you that what you believe is a lie. The message, his "PASSION", what he was trying to teach was love not public piety and or greed? When all that you believe and everything you have been taught, learned and worked for is taken away: Who is left?

Your uncomfortable and I am happy...

So I am standing outside the elevator waiting for it to reach the first floor in blue jeans and a quicksilver button up. It reaches me but its already filled with a group of typical males around my age. So I relax and wait for them to exit the elevator. As I stand in my usual (cocky possibly?) stance they all get quiet and stare at me as if they were a bunch of roosters and I am to stand on their house top before they get too. Which is to say they were not happy with me and I said nothing. I casually returned their stare rather then lower my gaze as most men do. As I step on the elevator the last one remarks on my clothes. I had to laugh but I felt no need to retort back.
I have this to say to them. Your insecure and weak and I eat people like you for breakfast. If I exude confidence and it makes you uneasy its because you cannot handle reality. My reality is that I don't care what I look like and I don't care what you think. Your reality is the same old bullshit. If you can feign a friendship long enough to get what you want from that person you will call them a friend. If you can fake it so well that they give you money then they are your best friend. You are never real with anyone and least of all your self. When you see someone who is real and living in the NOW you get defensive and scared. I forgive you but at the same time I am so sad for you. You commit the gravest trespasses against yourself, worse then any you may impose on anyone else. You are tearing your own heart apart for the sole purpose of fitting in. I am sorry I make you uncomfortable but hopefully one day you will get to a point in your life that you will be forced to see reality. You will be at the bottom looking up and then maybe you will see what really matters.

Is this poison?

Pathetic? Sad? I am not sure...

I guess if your a hard worker you might find me pathetic and most everyone else would just find this sad but here it is. Someone pulled the alarm in my office building and I was excited that it happened. Not because I am a hard worker but because I am a huge slacker and I hate this place. Buildings like this are what make beautiful landscape look like shit. People that build them are the greedy whores and power mongers of our economy that ruin our entire planet. I wish I could take credit for the pulling of the alarm. Alas I was not clever enough to think of it and I will not do it now cause it has already been done. So that was the most excitement I have had at this job in 6 months (if you don't count choking on a lean cuisine in march). I do feel like a caged animal here and I wish a cute customer would wander by so I could gawk like the testosterone infused animal that I am. I don't know what is wrong with me today but I am very emotional. Maybe I will go sit by the waterfall and try to relax for a second. I wish I had my rittalin.

A dark day

Its a dark day when you have to worry about being tested by the government for mental illness just cause they want to bolster their pharmaceutical sales. I hate the idea they we are all being lied to by Uncle Sam and still for some reason just accepting it. I heard a saying once about someone who is a true believer in what ever cause they decide to champion. When presented with the truth about their cause, that its a lie or that they are just being misled by their leader they will refuse to admit the reality. The do not want to say they were wrong and the they were fooled or even that they are the enigma not the answer. I am a patriot and I love my country but you will never get me to believe that the government is there to protect me or take care of the needs of its civilians. I was in the military and I will say that there is a very different perspective from a soldier and a civilian. A soldier is not under the illusion that he is important and a civilian is. A soldier knows that if it came down to his life, a mission objective or an expensive piece of equipment its going to be his ass. A civilian thinks that human life has some sort of value to those in control. Human rights are fake and the moment that they interfere with government agenda you will all be injected with enough fear to make you volunteer your rights away in the name of security. How long before the rest of you wake up and smell the decay of the past, taste blood of the present and the see the chains of the future?

A thought on beginnings and ends...

Who knows pain?

Pain has long been a close friend of mine. When I was like 2 I spilled rice soup on my leg and left a life long third degree burn scar. A reminder and almost a memento of my early acquaintance with pain. I do not remember the burn (I still have the scar) but I do remember my first serious amount of pain after the burn. My brother convinced my to ride my bike off a jump he made. I was terrible at riding a bike and at this point I had yet to master the fine art of turning. Because I loved him and at the ripe age of seven already weighed in at a whopping 75lbs he thought I would have a higher success rate then him. Actually he thought this could really hurt me so I will let my little brother do it. The jump was a piece of plywood about 1/2in thick and about 3feet long and 2 feet wide. The cooler was about 18 inches high. If your any good at geometry you will see that is a very steep jump for a 7 year old who can only ride a bike in a straight line. So I test it as all young stuntmen do and I expressed my concern the best way I knew how. I refused to do it cause I was scared. I was then force to do it through the dare and your a chicken taunt. I was also instructed that if I rode really fast I would be fine. So at full speed from almost a block away ( I was so far cause I had to kick the pedals my feet would not reach the bottom most point of the pedal revolution). I hit the jump and sail through the air as planned and for a moment there was such freedom that my word would not be able to express it. Then gravity took over and hit the ground with such force that I was bounced from the seat to the back wheel. Where my young tender area was ground in such a way as to make me wish that I was a girl. Yes that was such pain that I wonder if even now I bear some internal scar from it. I rode that out in terrible pain until I was able to loosen my grip from the handle bars and crumble in pain. Ah yes and he was so proud he laughed yelled how proud he was! For me when the pain was gone his praises made it all worth it in the end. I think where I was going with this was evident to everyone but me until now. That story tells of the worst pain I can remember at the youngest age possible and how it tempered me and made all other pain from that point forward bearable. That is no small statement either. I have torn rotator cuffs in both shoulders broke most of my finger and three knuckles on both hands. I have pulled chunks of scalp off my head and cut through tendons in my knee and my left hand. I have broken my nose and my thumbs and my toes and chipped bone in both my elbows. I have never let out a yelp since then and that is only because I was prepared for the pain long before it ever happened. That is all physical pain but I have been tempered emotionally 10,000 times more then I have physically for similar reasons. No matter the pain now its only preparation for the future and the rewards you will get once you come out of the woods. Don't despair the metal of a man is only made harder by fire never brittle.

killing me softly audio...shit happens

Now that I have found Audioblogger you can hear the drama along with reading it. I still feel like shit but I guess thats why I have to write it all down. I would cut my wrists if I had to sit and listen to the voices that are in my head rambling about all this crap.

Killing me softly...

I have never been someone who is emotional but today is a hard day for me. I know things that the normal and even sometimes the paranormal person do not know and most of the time cannot fathom. I can see the future, my own others and even sometimes the future of animals. When you come to me to tell me you just got engaged I more then likely knew already. If your wife is pregnant? I bet I knew before either of you ever had a clue. Oh you just got a puppy and he is a super smart dog! You don't know that he will save your daughter from drowning in the pool once and then two months later he will bite your wife. Oh your like airplanes and your 22? Well at 33 you will be a pilot and at 47 you will crash your featherlite plane in a field when an unexpected updraft makes you lose control. I know these things cause they are all predetermined in a giant tapestry. I am never wrong and I never say a word to anyone about their future or what I have seen. For all you control freaks who are angry at me for not helping others change their bleak future I have this to say. You are not in control of your life and your freewill is only free to an extent. You cannot change your future and even if you could you would not. The path we all choose was not chosen for us but it is know and its the only way you will take. If I told you that you were going to die in three months of a heart-attack unless you stopped smoking right now for good. You would not stop you would have a drag and that would tip the scale and you would die. As your heart was failing you would realize that you wanted it all to happen exactly this way and no other way. That is why you would fail even though you knew the outcome you would still fail. People are flawed and I see the flaws and I know the actions that accompany them. I have seen so many lives end right in front of me and those who are dying don't even know it. This all started for me at around the age of 13 and the more I paid attention to this unfortunate gift the more I knew about others. So many other things have sprung from this little insight it would take me all day to explain it to anyone. I am writing all of this to say to all those who I knew and did not tell, to all those who I know and I will not tell. I am so sorry, so so very very sorry. Believe me or not, I knew and know that you did not and do not want to know the truth. Ignorance is truly bliss. God I want to die, and I still have 22 years left.

To the reader...

Like a shotgun going off in a monastery I get my first and more then likely my last posted comment to one of my inane ramblings. I have to say its more then what I expected and I love feedback. Want know what it said then just read it but this is my thought.

To you my lonely soul who spends time reading my less then intimate thoughts I have this to say. You have never been a hero and on the off chance that you will be one some day don't be happy about it. All your hero's are fake and they never wanted what they got when they became a hero. I have been a hero since I was five and all I ever received from it was pain and ridicule. I don't say this as my little rant about how I am unappreciated I say it so that you know that no matter what my destiny is I can dream about the road not traveled. When you travel any road the other seems to be the more enticing. By nature you can never be happy as a hero because your life is one of torture and confusion. Every comic and movie and TV hero is portrayed that way at least once in their transparent fairy tale saga. All Superman wanted was to be normal and like everyone else but he could not help being himself. All Batman wanted was his parents back, he would have traded it all for that one selfish act to have his parents. Spiderman was miserable and a bit of an ass to everyone with his "witty" comments. He would have traded it all to lead a normal life with MaryJane but he could not. Hero's are the most selfish and selfless people in the world. To be content they must realize they are selfish and don't want what they have. They want less of what they have because their burden to bear is the burden of truth. They must face the truth of themselves and everyone else all at the same time. They are sub-human/super-human by all who know they are a hero by virtue of humanity. Nothing is perfect and hero's fall and when they make a mistake they don't just fall they are pulled down by those who were just looking up to them. They hit harder and break more completely then you or anyone else will ever know. A true hero never dies they just disappear because they cannot die. They always fall but that never kills them like normal people. It only servers to make them anew in the fire of adversity and when they do "die" someone dumbass decides to take up their burden and carry on the torch. So even in death as a hero you never die your life is just repeated in a different body. My lament is not in being a hero but more in knowing the truth. The truth is no one is innocent and not a single person deserves a hero or a savior. They are all as a whole ungrateful and as singular humans if judged by their actions and or intentions do not deserve much more then the whole. As a hero you lament your path yet walk or run it because of the most basic and selfish and selfless reason of all... You love everyone. You truly hate no one but your self and cannot imagine not serving others. Hero's always fall in love because they are made of the very substance and idealism that is love. They love humanity and humans; not for their crowning achievements and amazing feats as a race or as individuals but for their lowest and most despicable acts. If you truly love someone then you know what I am talking about. You reach the truth when you realize that someone is at their core a terrible person and yet you love them anyway and would still save their ass or chastise them properly when either is necessary. That is the truth that keeps hero's from dieing and that is what keeps a hero alive. Hate and love are apart of life but love is the only one that gets harder and harder to do as you get older. You can get angry at anyone in traffic but can you say you love them? A true hero knows from birth that they are a hero and that is unavoidable. They are humanitarians from the beginning in the truest sense of the word and they resolve to be so from a young age. That resolve is tempered through trial throughout their life. They all fall and fail themselves but they always resolve to do it better the next time.

Where will this country go in 50 years? I look at what flashes across the TV and listen to what pours out over the radio waves and I wonder where its going. Every major point in human history had a beginning and an end. For anyone to think this wont all end is a self deception. I realize that this type of thinking will get me nowhere but I will entertain it for a while longer. Perhaps we better start from the beginning. I have been searching for truth since I was old enough not to like incomplete answers. I learned this all around the age of about six when I noticed that all I had to do to sound smart was play the game of telephone. I would hear adults talk about what for a six year old was a very complex subject and then I would talk to another adult and just repeat the very conversation back to them. They all dubbed me an intelligent child. All I ever was, was a kid with a good memory for conversation and a large vocabulary. As I have gotten older I found that repeating the same things over and over can lead to something very scary. I started to believe what I was telling others when I never actually learned the truth. I started living on hearsay and rumors rather then truth. The beginning for my search for truth was a search for self. I joined the Navy and thought that I would go there a confused boy and leave a hardened experienced man. When my tours of four years was over I found my self but I was far from a hardened man of experience. I was more a confused 23 year old who was broken from a fast paced life of drugs and alcohol then I was a man. I spent three weeks on the beaches of Virginia soaking up the sun and wondering why I did not feel any different then I did before I left on my grand journey of self searching. I realized in those three weeks that who I am and who I strive to be are defined by me as taught by my surroundings and my major influences. I always knew who I was I was just not ready to be that person. I went through what I consider four years of hell and paradise just to learn that I had all the power to be who ever I wanted all along. From that point until now I scoured every source I could to find out how I may affect change in my world and find the truth of my existence.

Ah how time flies...

As I soak up the notes of psychedelic music and dream about scaling sheer marble cliffs I wonder if I will ever be anything special or amazing. I was nurtured on the word that your going to be an amazing person and a great hero and you are going to outshine the sun one day. Well I am waiting for my turn to shine so I can blind the world. I feel a power and restlessness welling up inside me and I am almost afraid of what's going to happen if I wait to long to push my self. I am pretty sure all its going to take is a little bit of self propelling and I will leave the uninitiated behind me. There are only a handful of people I feel share in the purpose that is my life and I almost fear for them. Don't get me wrong I am not the zenith of destiny I am a stepping stone and just another side to a very complex coin. One of those that shares this with me is my brother. The same face of a different coin or I am maybe a highlights of his reflection in the shade. An amazing person but one way or another he is going to be stuck with me. I don't know if anyone else in my life will be there but I do know I will know him to the end of it all. Pretty scary thought if your him or maybe comforting. I want to puss out but he is the reason I don't give up. I could not imagine leaving his side. There are a few who I know are in positions of influence but they will all be left in the grave before him and I pass and its a long and dark road ahead. Kind like getting the medal of honor posthumously for blowing up and asteroid that would eradicate the planet. Well good job your the greatest hero ever but you are also dead. Which is better? Leave the hero job so someone else who is not ready and live out my life happy or move forward down this path and die early a hero who will never have a name.

Another week conquered...

So I just finished my week of boring work and got to go to an interview for a fire department. I love the idea of being a fire fighter and I hear women love men in uniform. Also I got a call back from a police department which was cool. If I cannot get into this fire Fighter academy then I will just go be a Cop cause its easier. Yeah more politics in being a fire fighter. Oh and anyone who thinks my last post sounded a bit like an immigrant talking that's cause I am. No I just ran spell check and forgot to put the S at the end of McDonald's. My bad. In other news I am hoping to get my girl to fake some kind of sever illness to the doctor she works for to get us some sweet pain killers. I doubt she will do it but I can always use the "if you love me..." Line as cheap as that is. Addiction is a bitch people and if you don't like it then don't read. I think I also will go looking at other peoples BLOGS. I don't know if they want me to leave comments but I will do it anyway if I can. I have yet to surf others ideas and I bet that's why no one has surffed mine. By the way spell check is broke and I am too lazy right now to edit all the incorrect spellings and grammar problems in this post.

Give me safety and I will give up all my rights...

My above statement may seem insane to most but that's because most people don't know its true. That is to me and many other Americans the cry of the average city dweller. I know the distinction seems a bit strange but if you ever lived in the country you know its a different world. For one the patriot act is the biggest coup on the constitution that has ever happened. The general public didn't even notice that now just to open a bank account your information is all entered into a giant database (again) and your tracked by those E-Transactions.

You open an account in New York and then three years later you close that account and open another in Chicago. From there you move to L.A. and keep the bank in Chicago. You do all your transactions online but because of the Patriot Act your info online is still not secure. Its all released to Agent Smith because the government believes you to be a terrorist.

This whole world is a ghetto run by thugs with money. Even forms of freedom of speech such as this BLOG will soon be censored. We cannot say anything that dissents from the media induced big government infused opinion. Your all being herded because your dumb sheep. I am tired and I am going to go.

So I'm FAT

OK to all my fellow fat friends out there I want to say "I love ya!" and to the rest of you skinny people I want to just say "Its because of you I cry my self to sleep every night".
There was a time when being large was very appealing to society. It was a sign of wealth and prosperity. Now its a sign of a slow metabolism, genetic disorder or to much McDonalds. I for one love McDonalds and anything else that is "Fast Food" and if I had a bunch of money I would eat it enough to kill me. The disadvantage is if the food does not kill me the cigarettes will. My diet is mostly red meat cigarettes alcohol and hot sauce. I am two hundred ten pounds and I am only 68 inches tall. For those of you that are on the metric system that makes me 1.75 meters tall and 95 kilo in weight. Http://www.dalesplace.net/handw.htm is the site I used to figure that out. Oh and if I was made out of cocaine which is valued at 20,000 per kilo I would be worth almost 2 million dollars. Cool huh? I thought so but most of you will take those pearls of knowledge that I just spat and feed them to the dogs. I am caffeinated sorry...

A bun in the oven

Hey everyone my sister is going to have another baby! I thought that was cool so I thought I would share...ok thats all for now.

I still disapprove

Oh by the way I still dont like to sit still for so long as an occupation. Its boring and my legs keep cramping up. Also my ears hurt from answering the phone all the time and I have a wireless headset. Being prior military it was a huge shock to get something that I requested to do my job better. I almost shit my pants when They one upped me with a monitor for my desk too. Yeah so now not only an Effective at my job but my word, meager as it may be, still had some sway. Nice eh? If you never been in the military you might not know what its like to ask for something you desperately need and then not get it but be told to work as if you did.
"Chief I need this program it will make me work 80% faster if I had it"
"Pretend like you have it work 80% faster and if you don't I will put you in jail..."


no no its really like that. Believe it.
ok I am going to go and dream about going out to eat at a place that serves steak with a pulse over a bed of raw vegetables for a very low price...such a low price I can get the meat with the little change I have in my car.

Bury my head in the sand...

Ok if your reading this then I guess you still want to know what is going on in my sad life. To be honest its not that sad at all. I have the perfect girl who is growing into the most amazing spouse I could ever imagine. If you have ever been in a serious relationship you will know that no woman is a spouse to begin with, they all start out as girls. They have unrealistic ideas and fantasies about marriage and men and how things will be with prince charming. Some of them go off the path to prince charming early with an asshole in high school and some stray off even earlier. I for one found a woman who was less then more tainted by the rigors of stupidity. She had her moments as we all have but she was no where near the lass I was used to courting. If I were to compare her to every other woman she would be about 1000 times more woman in her worst moment then they are all put together at their best. If you met her you might have something bad to say but you most definitely have something good to say as well. I know I may seem like I am building her up and bringing her down a little bit but I am not going to lie about her. She is perfect...For me. She has enough spirit to keep us fighting and enough heart not to tear mine out when I am vulnerable. Lord knows I have had enough of that. She is smart enough to get into any college she applied to but not so smart as to make her cynical of truth because she was taught otherwise. She is an elegant princess when we are in public and a total Minx in the bedroom. I love her more then anything in the world and I would not trade her for all the denises or kellys or roses or donnas or karens or all of them put together. She is my golden crown. I only hope I can keep her.

your word falls on deaf ears

I am in a search for the truth. I have found many things that i think are more then just run of the mill texts and I am still searching for the wisdom. I only wish to know the truth and be set free. Anyway most of what I find is the lies behins everyone elses precieved truths. I am getting sick from it. You know your in a sad state of affairs when you look to a person like Alister Crowley as a kindred spirit. These are crazy times people.

A greater purpose

I know it has been a while but I have been overwhelmed of late. can anyone else relate to this?

After four years of military service I am still itching to be apart of the "greater good". Anyone who is male and maybe a female or two (I am not sure though, that gender seems confused) will agree that you just get sick of the day to day fight to stay afloat. It sucks and I dream of more. I believe I was intended for something much bigger then myself. being a Hero and working towards something greater dieing for something bigger. I may not be the smartest or fastest but if you give me a purpose or objective worthy of my time no one will do it better or more effectively as I will. can anyone else relate? Hasent anyone else wondered about pushing through the garbage and fighting an enemy that must be defeated? Can anyone else relate to wanting the tast of battle for the first time or again? Can anyone else see my heart and my hunger? Was anyone elses life like a giant bootcamp molding them into a war machine? Does anyone else feel like the perfect soldier left on the shelf or dropped in the snow? Does anyone else think they are a genius but have not had their chance to shine? does anyone else even know what i am talking about? frustration.

Another manic-monday

So I am back at work and I am wondering if things are a boring as they seem or if this is my own pessimism ruining my attitude. I think that for the most part all I need to do to enjoy life is to stop paying attention at all and just give up. I think that the apathy of my old life was what was keeping it fun. My never thinking of the conquences of my actions kept me busy with having to keep my self constantly entertained. Boy did life hav no meaning then and now that it has meaning it seem boring. Is it me or do things seem funner when you are living for nothing and dieing to live? Why is hind sight always 20/20? Why do women always want to be the men in a relationship and still reap the benefits of being female? Why can dog pee standing up? When will the porcuepine evolve to a higher species and rule the earth? oh all just questions I will have to ask my creator when I see him.

Friday the Thirteenth...

I am going to point out that you should all enjoy this day cause you won get a 13 on a friday again untill August. Did you know that you can only have three of these a year. I hope you all are a little less annoyed then I am amd dont walk under any ladders.

Stop complaining

I hate when you tell someone something and because they are so wrapped up in what ever the hell they are doing they dont hear you. I hate it more when they miss something important like the phone is going to be delievered today! Without a phone we cannot call anyone or have anyone call us...not a bad proposition but when you need highspeed DSL on that line so that you can do minor things like PAY BILLS! Then its not just your fault for "not telling" then its your fault for not paying bills! The whole reason they are angry is cause they got woken up! Thats a crock! I am awake and have been awake and will be awake all day. You can sleep in on saturday like the rest of humanity. If you want to rag on me about not getting enough sleep then go to bed earlier! If you dont like me waking you up in the middle of the night then dont let me sleep over! If you have a problem with the way things are then address them and solve them or shut up and accept them, dont complain! Complaining is a waste of time in a relationship and only breeds discontent and anger. I hate complaining.

For all the Male readers...

Ever feel like something is missing in your life? like you were supposed to be some kind of hero and your not? Like your purpose was greater then pumping gas or being manager at a local retailer store?
For a long time I searched this whole globe looking for the thing that would make me feel worth while. I looked for my purpose in this swirling mass of people and I did not find it. I found God, I found Love, I found Sex, drugs, material things but most of all I found nothing. When I came home after being away from a family I had never left I had aquired almost nothing. It was frequent for me to visit without anything but the clothes on my back. After four years I fit everything I owned in two suitcases.
I was not satisfied or happy with me, all I found was emptiness and I had better defiend that gap in my soul. Can it be filled? Is there a man out there that can securly tell me he is not only happy but fulfilled also?

More fun...

So i have sat in this seat almost non-stop for seven hours. I dont think anyone knows how unbearable it is to do a job that requires you to sit still when you havent been on ritilin for seven months cuase you can afford it. I am beside my self with anxity to move but I am afraid that if i get up I am going to run out of this building screaming.
Can anyone else relate to wanting a little bit more excitement in their life? I spent the last four years traveling the world then I come home and I havent even left the state in months. I wanna drown my self in the toilett! ( <---a statement made in frustration, not a genuine cry for help) If anyone else out there reads this I want to know what you wanted to be when you grow up. Did anyone out there ever say they want to grow up and be a wimp or a chump or something along those lines? I ask cause I want to know.

Another day

So I guess today is about the average in my life. I waited till the last second before I got up. If it was not for my girl I would have not gotten up at all. I dont have a problem staying awake I have a problem getting there. I hate waking up for work. This is not new to anyone else out there I am sure. I drove the hour and a half to work and when I got here I sit still. Now for a 23 year old who has been on ritlin since he was diagnosed with adult ADHD this is dificult. I think it was a crap diagnosis but the meds worked great for me. Sitting still I believe is half the reason that I get paid so much money! I have no college and really no formal training. I do however, have a criminal record with computers and that is mostly whats on my resume. Its all about presentation!

Has anyone else ever been in love

So I am wondering if you have ever been in love. This is a question that I wonder if anyone else will ever answer.

So this is blogging....

This is the first post on my blogger. I am not sure what a blogger is but I got one now. I am going to try to write to it everyday. I also would like if anyone else would write too. I love to hear what others have to say. I think this might become kind of a public journal. I don't often get to express what I have to say and if you know me and this site you have to read what I have to say before you can respond. I do not talk to be heard though. I talk to get things off my mind and if you want to respond to what I write about my life then fine but if not then don't. Say what ever you want. Your opinion is just that, its yours. If you want to ask my advice I have lived a long time and you are free to ask anything you want but be sure to let me know if you want a reply back. I would like everything to remain public. Questions and answers.