The fog...

If someone close to me I believe that I would be broken. I think about myself in terms of coping with difficult situations and I find that I can handle almost anything. I would say everything but I know that I cannot handle grief very well. I withdraw and can’t help but see very limited options on how to deal with it. I am trying to prepare my self for the great losses that I know are coming, the death of my parents and grandparents and most of my siblings but I can’t seem to do it. I know that they are going to die eventually and I believe in being prepared but I wish there was a way to prepare for this kind of thing. I am pretty sure that those losses one at a time would break me for a time at each juncture but I think that the total failure of my family dynamic through loss would ruin me to the extent that I may need to be put in some sort of care facility and on a suicide watch. I am sure that anyone who reads this would think that I am missing a few screws to even ponder these kinds of things but this is how I live. I live every day with the scars of past situations and from those experiences I have learned that I can handle a large amount of stress but there is a point that I break and cannot be repaired. Its that point that I try to avoid and those risks I try to mitigate that might bring me close to that point. It is the Royal Ranger in me trying to be ready for anything and I may go one step further and say it’s the Navy training engrained in my head telling me that the time will come and I must be prepared to fight.


I think of a catastrophic even such as a family member dieing and to me it seems as though it would be like a terrible hurricane of pain and agony. The kind that leaves you feeling weak and vulnerable and completely laid bare and naked to everyone around you in a way you would only have nightmares about. I have only graced the fringes of that kind of storm but I been in a different kind of emotional weather phenomena, I am depressed all the time. There has not been a year that I can remember as far back as I can go where I did not spend the majority of it depressed. Perpetual depression to me is nothing like a storm but more like a cold fog. Rather then leaving you stripped bare and naked you’re fully clothed. At first you don’t think it’s a big deal, you say to yourself that “this fog is not bad, it will pass, its kinda comforting…” but if you have ever been in a thick fog you know that the initial feeling of confidence and comfort quickly fade. Fog soaks your clothing and if you’re in it too long it can chill you to the bone. It slowly saps your strength without you realizing, breaks you down and gets into your clothing and you hair. Soon you’re a wet mess of depression and everyone knows it but you. You can not see very far from where you’re ahead or behind and have very little detail about where you have been since you were in the fog. You just mull your way though your days hoping the fog will lift or you will run into someone else in the fog so that you may travel together through the abyss of emotional deprivation.

dream dream dream....

I had a dream that was sitting in the middle of a field and my whole family was there sittin on top of my shoulders. They were not sitting in any way logical it was more a cat in the hat kinda way and it seemed that they did not know they were sitting on me. I started to cry and then I hit the ground and from beneath me the earth moved. It did not slide it was more like when you drop a rock in a pond and it makes ripples but they were ripples of earth. The exploded out from be in every direction and I knew that anyone in the way was in danger. Every one but my family would feel these waves and so I continued to hit the earth and it was maing a crater below me and i was sinking in this huge, what i can only describe as a gian meteor hole. By the time the dream was ending the pounding sounded like music to me and the crater was the size of the gulf of mexico and it was smoking hot everywhere but where I was. I could not see it but I knew the whole planet was changed and it was all leveled. I also felt very alone and I think my family just sumpped off my shoulders and walked away. Really strange dream.

gone for long

wow it has been a long time since I posted anything and for that I am sorry. I will post today, because its my birthday!! yes I am 27 today and I feel old. The last few months have been pretty un eventful for me other then trying to take my workouts to the next level. I have as of today lost 35 lbs since about March. Its been a long road and I still have about another 15 lbs to lose but where ever my body stops is where I will be happy. I am on a quest to become the best person that I can. I have no friends to hang out with other then my wife and son and I dont know how much they like me bothering them but I do. Such is the way of my life these days and when my purpose comes I will be waiting.

the hero complex...

I keep having weird dreams of my back breaking and my wife poisoning me or having a heart attack and dieing and then being resuscitated. Me standing on a stage telling jokes or sitting in the basement of a house that is burning down all around me. I don't know what it all means but I think it may have something to do with being terribly insecure and maybe a bit sad. I also have a common dream that I am dead, just dead and happy.

I think I may be a depressed person. I know I was known for bouts of depression when I was little and I was always a very melancholy child. I have always felt as though the world was on my shoulders and that I am not strong enough to handle it. I used to lie a lot when I was a child and my mom never let me have sugar cause it triggered my mood swings. I wonder if that was real or if my mom made it up to try to keep me calm. I have always looked forward to death. I don't want to die but I think that being dead will be a very interesting experience and something that I may enjoy and yet be very scared of at the same time. I wonder if there will be any more answers there on the other side then there are here. I will see one day. In other news I have lost a lot of weight in my endless pursuit of the fire/police dream.

It makes me laugh and sad...

I heard something funny today that made me a little sick.

A long time ago you shared such a close bond with those in your tribe or genetic pool that you never really strayed from. You always knew where those who were "like you" were at because they were there. As we as modern humans moved out and away from those of our tribe we lost touch with those of our own "kind or tribe". We secretly long at a very primative level for our kin and kith to rejoin us and share in what we have become.

If there is any truth to this I must say I want to find the rest of my tribe.

It can never be taken...

Power can never be taken from you, You can only give it up. The means that are used to make you give it up do not matter if in the end you still give someone else power over you. You always have the option to die or fight those who wish to take your power away from you.

" John Locke in Two Treatises of Government as part of his social contract theory. Locke declared that under natural law, all people have the right to life, liberty, and estate; he wrote that under the social contract, the people could instigate a revolution against the government when it acted against the interests of citizens and replace the government with another government in the interests of the citizens. The right of revolution thus essentially acted as a safeguard against tyranny. "
as quoted from Wikipedia.com


"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is in the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security. "

Creation or Evoloution

On a long enough time line we are going to be able to create new lifeforms. How do we know we were never made the same way in a lab in some far off galaxy?

creation of life

dream dream dream....

I had a dream about a room full of people like us, you know what I mean.

The room was all cramped and hot and poorly lit by only a few yellow lights but faces were clear when you looked at them.

Some were obviously good people they seemed to have a kind of white aura. Some were blatantly evil and you could only feel their stares unless you really tried to pierce the darkness and see their face, but most did not know why they were there and were just scared.

As is always the case you and i kinda knew everyone...not like we knew their names but like you recognize something from De ja vu or a small piece of a dream that you can never remember completely.

It was weird, the scared people would not meet our gaze cause they were scared.

The good people were looking up in the air like there was a TV up there and the trade towers were falling again.

The thing I remember best was all the bad people were watching us...like they were waiting for judgement from us... or a perfect moment to all band together and kill us.

I am not sure what it means but it was not a normal dream.



********************************



Two days ago I had a dream about 4 tornados touching down in the heart of downtown core and ripping the city apart. That also seems really strance cause I cant see the city from my house but in my dream I could. Yeah four at the same time and they were just huge.

Dads have it rough...?

Ok so if you read this please weigh in and tell me what you think...


Article link

--Todays father can't Win--

Many fathers these days are well acquainted with carpooling kids to after-school sports, changing diapers and other stereotypically “mom” duties. But the do-it-all dad is not happy with his performance, and he lags behind mom and even the household pet in terms of closeness to the kids. He's lucky if he even gets a card on Father's Day, statistics show.
For respect, the modern family guy has to turn to his wife.
A recent survey finds that while it’s tougher being a dad today than it was a generation ago, most moms give them gold stars for their domestic work.
The researchers suggest the rise in dual-income families provides much of the push to get dads onboard in family matters. “Dads used to just have to go to work, come home, dinner was on the table,” said researcher Kim Parker of the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press in Washington, D.C. “They didn’t have to get as involved in the nitty-gritty of parenting as they do now; that’s my instinct.”
Dad scores
The results are based on the Pew Research Center’s Social Trends Survey conducted between February and March of this year, which included more than 2,000 telephone interviews with a nationally-representative group of U.S. adults ages 18 and older.
About 60 percent said fathers have it tougher now than they did 20 or 30 years ago.
Dads’ biggest fans are working moms. More than 70 percent of married women who work at least part-time and raise young children said fathers are doing as good a job or better at childrearing compared with a generation ago.
Men are their own harshest critics, with 55 percent of those surveyed believing they are doing a worse job parenting today than in the past.
Mom (and pets) rule
Domestic dads have yet to edge out their wives when it comes to “motherly love.” In a 2005 Pew survey, twice as many respondents reported they would turn to their mothers in times of crises as opposed to their fathers. Nearly 90 percent reported close ties with their mothers compared with less than 75 percent reporting the same for dads.
The sentiment (or lack thereof) could be reflected in kid turnout on parent’s special days. While Mother’s Day is the second most popular holiday for gift-giving (following Christmas) and the third-largest card-sending holiday, Father’s Day ranks fourth on the card-sending list, according to Hallmark research and the National Retail Federation.
Pets outrank dads, too. On average, pet owners gave higher relationship ratings to their cats and dogs compared with those given to fathers. Men may not care much, though, because they don’t base their personal wellbeing on bonds with their kids.
“Men’s relationships with their kids are less central to their own happiness,” Parker told LiveScience, “whereas women are so wrapped up in their relationships with their kids.”
Men generally say the most important aspect of their personal happiness involves their relationships with their wives, not with their kids. The opposite is true for women, who place more stock in mom-child ties than husband-wife relationships.

Re-posted from Livescience.com

Do you understand boss...

I only seen this movie once and it was right around the time it came out on video. This little monologue made me sad because I could relate to the character and wondered how many people felt the same. I think about this bit of drama at least once a week and I am sad all over again. Anyone else feel the same?


" I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world ever' day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand? "

-The Green Mile
Screenplay by Frank Darabont
From the novel by Stephen King

Is there any greater honour..

Canada and Britain will mark the end of a generation with a tribute after the last World War I veteran dies. There are four or five living veterans in Britain and at least one in Canada, according to historians. In the U.S., the VA and historians have only begun talking about how to commemorate World War I veterans. Paul said the story of "the war to end all wars" has been eclipsed by the "Greatest Generation" of Americans who fought in World War II.

In the shadow of their children

"These World War I veterans raised a generation that did them one better," said Paul, who added that museum visitors regularly comment that they hadn't realized the scope or importance of the war. "They got overshadowed in this country on Dec. 7, 1941, and never got out of the shadow."

This is an excerpt from and article in the Chicago tribune


I could not imagine a better salute to my efforts as a human and as a father then if my children's were called the " Greatest Generation ". A generation of heroes and geniuses of mortals leaving legacy's of honor and courage. No don't remember me as the hero, please, remember me as the father who raised the hero. I don't want to be the hero and I most likely wont be but if I could raise a hero, teach my boy to grow into a man who songs and stories will be written about then that is good enough. At lease I could teach him to have courage.

another insane theory...

Ever thought that there was a better way to protect the the skin cell from the harmful rays of the sun then to produce something that attracts the suns rays? Well I thought that too and by the way melanin is the compound that makes skin dark and helps protect the nucleus of a cell from the suns radiation. Well it seems that this pigment does more then just protect your cells it seems that it has a sort of photosynthetic quality. Yes melanin creates some sort of energy it seems for fungi and helps them grow. No that is not the interesting part, the interesting part is that it does not use sunlight parse but ionized radiation. I came into work exhausted because it helps me work and I came up with this idea, and while it may seem like the idea of a delusional person trust that there are some kernals of science in it. What if The out of Africa theory is correct (I say if because this subject is still debated in some academic circles) and we all came from the ancient Africans. What if they are all so dark because they were in some sort of spatial cryo or suspended animation or even long term hibernation and the melanin is what kept their heart beating? Yes I know it sounds crazy but there are a whole bunch of things that make very little sense to me about evolution and one of them is us. Speaking of not making sense what is the evolutionary advantage of genetic predisposition towards altruism or morality?

I now continue to present the possibility that we are descendants of a much older and more ancient civilisation that did not originate here. I think that we are perfectly honed explorers with a perfect mix natural curiosity and self preservation to make us a great colonization species. There are enough adventurous idiots to do and explore and find and fail and die to push forward the knowledge base of the unknown and yet the majority are content to reproduce and die. How in the hell? Anyone care to comment or add to this or call the police and have me committed for my and my families safety/

A letter...

Dear Cindy Sheehan,

You will never read this but I am writing this anyway in the hopes that you one day do. I am not happy that you failed in your cause but I am glad that you stopped. I am sorry that you came to the conclusion that I did before long befor your son ever died. I cannot express my deepest sorrow for you and your recent awakening, or more likly, acceptance of the truth of the death of a soldier. Its all for naught, its all meaningless. Your protests fell on deaf ears from the beginning and peaked the interests of only those who sought to profit from the genuine passion that you had. Now that its exhausted so has your usefullness and you, like so many boys and girls have been cast aside. In the end those in power will lose power and it will slip into the hands of others who have the same goals and different means or maybe the same means but this cycle will continue. You are now in my thoughts and I hope that you find peace with your self and your country. I am glad you are now awake and you can see and hear, welcome to the club. You may not get the reference but no all there is left to do it learn to swim.

"Diesel"

Dont count...

Dont judge your life by the things that you do not have. You will always be unhappy and there is always something that you dont have. To be happy just think about all that you do have.

A theory...

Think of it like who you are is not the real you. Its an expression of something else somewhere else. Like your shadow on a wall or your face in a mirror. You could not verywell open a window with your shadow, just the same way you cannot move an object with your mind. You are not here and unless you make what is here interact with the environment around it. Oh sure you could interact with something there and change things here but the result would not be what you expect it to be because you only know what is here not what is there. That is why when you die you can interact with what is here because you all back there. Once you have been here you can come back but from here you cannot go back there because you have never been there. It would be like trying to find an obscure address in New York from space. You cant see New York but you know its there let alone the address of somewhere you have never been. Yes I am expressing this sorta how I am thinking of it. Please comment and let me know what you think.

Cold lyrics

Everyone came around here
Everyone else got sick
And watched the clock tickin' slowly
Everyone knew the ending
Opened a bag of tricks And stumbled over their own
They blew minds away
Sort of the cripplin just like thunder
And it's gone today
I'm so happy that it's on

It's the end of the world(x4)

Now it's far away
In a hurricane, twisting slowly
Now it's gone today
I'm so happy that it's on

It's the end of the world(x4)

My world, my love, my gun

Now I'm all alone
Kept the pain inside
Wanna torch the world
Cause I'm breathin fire

My world, my love, my gun

The source

I think I am close to the source that I know. I am very special aginst my wishes but in accordance with the will. How about you?

A dangerous thought...

The motto of New College Of Saint Mary "Manners Maketh the Man" which is supposed to be interpreted as such "it is not by birth, money, or property that an individual is defined, but in how he (or she) behaves towards other people." I find it ironic that such an exclusive place of higher learning would have such a progressive motto and be so forward thinking in the 14Th century when it was founded and yet be so far off point now. If you receive the best education at Ivy League school then why is it so discriminating in who it allows to learn there? Should not the best be given to freely to the masses and then let their own inability be the reason they fail? Why don't we "let the cream rise naturally rather then plumbing the depths for the curd and forcing it to rise"? If you knew me when I was a little boy you would have had a hard time thinking that I would grow into the man I am today but I must say that I believe it is truly because of adversity that I am who I am. I am not crazy I am just touching the bare wire of human consciousness and your looking at everyone all at once when you look at me.


How we name our years is part of the problem. Those three zeros in the millennium form a convenient barrier, a reassuring boundary by which we can hold on to the present and isolate ourselves from whatever comes next. Still, there is more to this shortening of the future than dates. It feels like something big is about to happen: graphs show us the yearly growth of populations, atmospheric concentrations of carbon dioxide, Net addresses, and MegaBytes per dollar. They all soar up to form an asymptote just beyond the turn of the century: The Singularity. The end of everything we know. The beginning of something we may never understand.

I think of the oak beams in the ceiling of College Hall at New College, Oxford. Last century, when the beams needed replacing, carpenters used oak trees that had been planted in 1386 when the dining hall was first built. The 14Th-century builder had planted the trees in anticipation of the time, hundreds of years in the future, when the beams would need replacing. Did the carpenters plant new trees to replace the beams again a few hundred years from now?

-Danny Hill

Just to avoid it...

If I told anyone that I knew both the manner and the hour in which I would die it would not matter. You see with something like that it can be written off as crazy until you die and you were right exactly as you said or you don't die in which case you are wrong. The problem is that if your your fucking dead. Post-mortem nothing matters least of all if you were right or not.

no title

"There are so many worlds, and I have not yet conquered even one."
- Alexander the great

just how I feel...

It’s waking up every morning and not making any difference. It’s being able to move a mountain and being asked to take a seat. Its feeling like James bond and being put into Watson’s shoes. Its being 26 and totally confused. Totally purposeless. It’s having people depend on you for everything and feeling that you need to provide it for more. Its needing opiates to sleep. Its needing sleep to dream. It's waking up to escape the nightmares. It’s no one understanding. It’s no one even trying. Its people asking all the wrong questions. It’s all the right questions being very difficult to ask. It’s in finding out for yourself who everyone else is before you find out who you are. Its never having enough of anything and having too much of everything. It’s just how I feel some days and most nights.

Is Princeton reputable enough?

There are things out there that you cannot begin to imagine and because you refuse to believe it does not mean that its not true. Try focusing for a 15 minutes and clearing your mind of every thought and emotion. After the 15 minutes has passed then try to do somthing that you previously thought impossible only this time believe that it is. Success will come sooner then you think. Princeton has a project going on that is very interesting because it deals with the effects of your consciouness on reality. No not if what you think can influence the world around you any some way, they have already proven that. No, this is a matter of how much one person and maybe a thousand can change the physical world. Its called The Global Consciousness Project and I think that everyone shoudl at least open their minds to this venue of thinking.