0104

I am so alone in a crowded room...I don't belong here...I am meant for great things...I can be perfect if I try...I have a deep sickness in my mind that will one day put me in a padded cell...Alone again...Sadder then I have ever been...How long can I keep it together...Does anyone else wonder if they are insane...Do they wish they were so then they could escape reality under the guise of disorder...I can't wait to die...I am not suicidal...Anymore...I just want to go home...I really don't belong here...I miss my wife...I am the weakest man alive...I have never been wrong...I need to cry more...I need another tattoo...All my needs are met...I am not lost...I have never been lost...I am not flesh and blood...Who is inside my head staring out of my eyes...Why don't I recognize me sometimes...What do newborn babies dream about...I think do things while I sleep...I feel I have more in common with animals then people...I don't know how I ever got this smart...I know I am not stupid anymore...I think I used to be retarded in some way...I wish I could finish school...I hate money...I love to work with my hands...I want to build a spaceship...If I don't dream then who will? Somebody please stop me.

1am

I cannot sleep. I feel like I have glass shards stuck in my brain. I am dizzy and I itch all over. I hope I don't have fleas. I think that its funny to see how many people don't fit in because if no one fit in then would we all not be in the same group? I have learned a new trick with people I am around all the time. I think that its either psychological trickery or I can really make suggestions to people within a certain area of me. I would explain further but I have to find a scientific way of testing this. I think I will have people give me a phrase and attach an emotion to this phrase like "Rise about the clouds"..."Happiness" an then I will try to get someone else to think this statement and say they are happy. Yes that is what I will do and then if I can do this I will try to perfect it and then I will bottle snake oil and sell it as a curative tonic to the sick and lame. Yes! I bet this has never been done before! I am so original...I am so creative....

The lunatic fringe

I never realized that I grew up on the totally crazy end of christian living. I thought that learning how to cast out demons and binding spirits was normal. I guess not. The more I look at it the more I see now why I feel like such a fucking freak. I think that I could improve on the ideas that I was taught but I am still debating on if moving farther out into the realm of the insane is a good idea. I am learning more and more how far from normal I am and I think it scares me. If I grew up on such a strange diet of latino living and christian voodoo and everyone thought I was weird...makes me feel a little sad.