The bending of being

I had a dream. I was sitting on a sphere with all who have ever exsisted. This sphere was large but not nearly as big as one might think. As I looked around some of us were watching the slow rotation (which was on every axis) but most seemed to have their heads down as if they were sleeping. As I looked ahead I could almost hear somthing calling into my mind to come forward. We were so tightly packed on this eternal etheral moon I did not know how I would move let alone move past the horizon. This voice was so soft and soothing it was almost like the sound of the smallest chime ever struck. It was neither gender but it had a strength to it that compeled me to obey. So I sat back in my place and lamented my inability to transcend my place among the mass of others like me. As I sat down I decided the only way to get anywhere was to try to find another way around my problem. Once I began to relax I felt my mind being pulled from where my body resided and I was quickly brought to a place at the edge of where people resided. I looked around to see what or why I was brought there and all of time flashed before my eyes. It has all happened before I thought. Then I looked above me and the edge of a giant storm. Lightning flashed and winds whipped featureless terrain into a frenzy of blunted weapons and chaos. I was left small and insignificant by the sight of this force of time. As I began to retreat I saw that all of those on the edge of this goliath storm all had their heads down. Did they not see this thing encroching on their space? did they not care? could they not see this is what has wiped the slate clean time and again and all they were doing was exactly what has always been done? ignoring it and hoping it will pass them by. That will not happen I thought they are going to be torn to shreds. as the wind around me began to pick up I tried to scream at them to look ahead and see what is coming but they could not hear me. I felt like all my effort was in vain and I could do nothing to help those I saw in peril. weakened by my own emotion I fell down crying and woke up.

I have related this story as best as I could but it seems as I proofread it I have failed at conveying what I am trying to say.

The gold ring

I am turning the situations over and over in my head and I am growing quieter as the thoughts crowd my head. I am more then a little curious about how you plan on making your ammends with the dead. You cannot say goodbye to those that are gone but you also cannot wish well to those who do not believe in good. I am finding that all my questions come full circle and one has crept up on me again. In its resurfacing I find the path of those who were once strong and have grown weak. Yes when I rehashed this one I almost answered it differently then I have for so many years. I found the error and it pulled me out of my depressive state but nearly too late for any good to come from the answer.
I am glad to find you all well, though it has been so long since the last time I wrote. I begin writing again because as I see the road ahead I realize there is little to do but bite the bullet. I have no outlet that is sufficent other then this so I again must continue to write here. There are some of you I wish did not read this but I guess the wheel weaves as the wheel wills. I have, as I stated above, come out of about a month long funk of depression. I have encountered on the other side of this some younglings waiting to be taught. I dont want to teach but I have to wonder if I do not guide them down the path of my experience where will they go next for knowledge? I have been told that my mentality of "If not me then who?" is a bad one because it spreads me thin; Wears me down inside and out. I am again trying to add depth to my being by forcing my self to take on different routines. Changing up my days is already having its benefits. I think I am done for now.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

Ha ha. Do you remember that time when you stopped the car you were riding in to yell at me for smoking. I was what like 14 then? Man were you pissed to see me do what you wished I never would. You yelled at me and made me look like an ass to all my friends in my foolish attempt to look cool. I wish you knew a better way back then to be a big brother then being an ass but that was how you were and leading a double life was how I was. You never told mom or dad about that even though I gave you the middle finger when you drove away. Oh yeah then you saw me in the rear view and stopped the car to give me another piece of big brother love. fuck I look back and think how funny that was and yea still think you were an ass. You love me too much for your own good. You were always the cooler smoother version of what I always wanted to be. All I ever felt around you was fat and clumsy. Its funny to think about those times now cause I usually had no idea why you were the way you were. Rob left when you were what 13? I was 9? All those time are so fuzzy, were you just trying to be the best brother you knew how? I know if I had a little brother I would do a better job then both of you cause you always do better when someone else shows you how to do it. Did you ever know I attribute most of my parenting to you? Everyone else seems to think I got all kinds of attention that I can never remember getting. It seemed like the only attention I ever got was from you whether it was bad or good it was still attention. You were the cloth from which I was cut. You fashioned the majority of my habits and disposition. You are my doctor frankenstein. Ever thought about that? Did you know I always envy you? In your mind you are something totally different then what you are to me. You were always the last person I ever want to stab and the first person I drew the knife on. You are not just a brother you are a father figure to me, a Darth Vader kind but one never the less. Ever thought that you were the person I followed my whole life? You and your wife have been together for 12 years. You and I have been around for about 20. She still has the better part of a decade to get out of the way before she can start to match years with me. The only person I will have spent more time with by the time we are laid to rest in our graves other then you is my wife. I have been with you like a child who will not go away. You are my brother in blood and that will never change. I love you till death brings us home again. Please forgive me.