the hero complex...

I keep having weird dreams of my back breaking and my wife poisoning me or having a heart attack and dieing and then being resuscitated. Me standing on a stage telling jokes or sitting in the basement of a house that is burning down all around me. I don't know what it all means but I think it may have something to do with being terribly insecure and maybe a bit sad. I also have a common dream that I am dead, just dead and happy.

I think I may be a depressed person. I know I was known for bouts of depression when I was little and I was always a very melancholy child. I have always felt as though the world was on my shoulders and that I am not strong enough to handle it. I used to lie a lot when I was a child and my mom never let me have sugar cause it triggered my mood swings. I wonder if that was real or if my mom made it up to try to keep me calm. I have always looked forward to death. I don't want to die but I think that being dead will be a very interesting experience and something that I may enjoy and yet be very scared of at the same time. I wonder if there will be any more answers there on the other side then there are here. I will see one day. In other news I have lost a lot of weight in my endless pursuit of the fire/police dream.