Dear....

Why are some thing so hard to say? Why are words not alive and able to convey more then nothing at all? I wish I could speak another language, a language that was alive. Something that could change emotion into expression and move expression through the conflagration of changes that its bound to do while trying to imbue the listener with a full range of images, feelings and conflicting that accompanies such convoluted drama. More then one person will read this and I doubt that for who this is intended will ever reach their eyes. These are things that I will never say and don't want to write but I cannot keep it in. This is my letter to both of you because it has to be said. I hate to lump you both together but I am in rare form today and this is more then likely I will ever be able to write this.

I have failed. I am a weak coward and a liar and I have never had any integrity. I will never measure up to either of you. I set unreal expectations for one and held the other under a microscope for too long. I am the inherent flaw and our relationships and for that I am sorry. Death is to light a penance for a bottom feeding leach like me. My own self imposed punishment is this, honesty. There is nothing worse for me, a shadow, then having to look into the mirror and admit that I have no substance. I am only the refraction of light on the breath greatness. I am the antithesis of you in that I am the inevitable darkness to your light. I beg your forgiveness and humbly plead for redemption from the creator.
I have tried to follow your example but only managed to distort your vision or truth to something perverse and unclean. I tried to be a big brother to him but feel I only succeeded in driving him further on a journey of unending questions and no answers. I am sorry that I was a bad pupil. I am sorry that I was a bad little brother. I am sorry that I don't care enough to be a good friend. I am sorry that I don't know everything. I am sorry that I am not perfect. I want to be perfect. I want to be perfect. I am going to make my self perfect. I don't care what it will cost. I will die trying, I am going to be perfect.

the person staring through
the person staring through the reflective
you've turned and run off with all
to the other side with you
and I know, I know
you try so damn hard to be so happy
so you say, what do I do now that you are me ?
I'll fade with time, just like in the dream
inherit my shoes, they were too hard to fill anyways
I want it to go well for you, start over and do it right
this time for me
open the eyes, look at this wall and notice the one that
borrows and steals
I do this to myself
stick to the side roads
they help interesting thoughts
you see what you want to see