A thought on beginnings and ends...

Who knows pain?

Pain has long been a close friend of mine. When I was like 2 I spilled rice soup on my leg and left a life long third degree burn scar. A reminder and almost a memento of my early acquaintance with pain. I do not remember the burn (I still have the scar) but I do remember my first serious amount of pain after the burn. My brother convinced my to ride my bike off a jump he made. I was terrible at riding a bike and at this point I had yet to master the fine art of turning. Because I loved him and at the ripe age of seven already weighed in at a whopping 75lbs he thought I would have a higher success rate then him. Actually he thought this could really hurt me so I will let my little brother do it. The jump was a piece of plywood about 1/2in thick and about 3feet long and 2 feet wide. The cooler was about 18 inches high. If your any good at geometry you will see that is a very steep jump for a 7 year old who can only ride a bike in a straight line. So I test it as all young stuntmen do and I expressed my concern the best way I knew how. I refused to do it cause I was scared. I was then force to do it through the dare and your a chicken taunt. I was also instructed that if I rode really fast I would be fine. So at full speed from almost a block away ( I was so far cause I had to kick the pedals my feet would not reach the bottom most point of the pedal revolution). I hit the jump and sail through the air as planned and for a moment there was such freedom that my word would not be able to express it. Then gravity took over and hit the ground with such force that I was bounced from the seat to the back wheel. Where my young tender area was ground in such a way as to make me wish that I was a girl. Yes that was such pain that I wonder if even now I bear some internal scar from it. I rode that out in terrible pain until I was able to loosen my grip from the handle bars and crumble in pain. Ah yes and he was so proud he laughed yelled how proud he was! For me when the pain was gone his praises made it all worth it in the end. I think where I was going with this was evident to everyone but me until now. That story tells of the worst pain I can remember at the youngest age possible and how it tempered me and made all other pain from that point forward bearable. That is no small statement either. I have torn rotator cuffs in both shoulders broke most of my finger and three knuckles on both hands. I have pulled chunks of scalp off my head and cut through tendons in my knee and my left hand. I have broken my nose and my thumbs and my toes and chipped bone in both my elbows. I have never let out a yelp since then and that is only because I was prepared for the pain long before it ever happened. That is all physical pain but I have been tempered emotionally 10,000 times more then I have physically for similar reasons. No matter the pain now its only preparation for the future and the rewards you will get once you come out of the woods. Don't despair the metal of a man is only made harder by fire never brittle.

killing me softly audio...shit happens

Now that I have found Audioblogger you can hear the drama along with reading it. I still feel like shit but I guess thats why I have to write it all down. I would cut my wrists if I had to sit and listen to the voices that are in my head rambling about all this crap.

Killing me softly...

I have never been someone who is emotional but today is a hard day for me. I know things that the normal and even sometimes the paranormal person do not know and most of the time cannot fathom. I can see the future, my own others and even sometimes the future of animals. When you come to me to tell me you just got engaged I more then likely knew already. If your wife is pregnant? I bet I knew before either of you ever had a clue. Oh you just got a puppy and he is a super smart dog! You don't know that he will save your daughter from drowning in the pool once and then two months later he will bite your wife. Oh your like airplanes and your 22? Well at 33 you will be a pilot and at 47 you will crash your featherlite plane in a field when an unexpected updraft makes you lose control. I know these things cause they are all predetermined in a giant tapestry. I am never wrong and I never say a word to anyone about their future or what I have seen. For all you control freaks who are angry at me for not helping others change their bleak future I have this to say. You are not in control of your life and your freewill is only free to an extent. You cannot change your future and even if you could you would not. The path we all choose was not chosen for us but it is know and its the only way you will take. If I told you that you were going to die in three months of a heart-attack unless you stopped smoking right now for good. You would not stop you would have a drag and that would tip the scale and you would die. As your heart was failing you would realize that you wanted it all to happen exactly this way and no other way. That is why you would fail even though you knew the outcome you would still fail. People are flawed and I see the flaws and I know the actions that accompany them. I have seen so many lives end right in front of me and those who are dying don't even know it. This all started for me at around the age of 13 and the more I paid attention to this unfortunate gift the more I knew about others. So many other things have sprung from this little insight it would take me all day to explain it to anyone. I am writing all of this to say to all those who I knew and did not tell, to all those who I know and I will not tell. I am so sorry, so so very very sorry. Believe me or not, I knew and know that you did not and do not want to know the truth. Ignorance is truly bliss. God I want to die, and I still have 22 years left.